My Life

My life,
It doesn’t have a sweet voice narrating it
No loud trumpets announcing victories
No gloomy days accompanying my tears.

My dreams,
They are filled with your faces
When the lids are closed I can hear you clearly
In every motion, in every emotion.

My wants,
A constant struggle against what I need
Greedily trying to grasp too much wrong
When I can’t even grab the simplest of right.

My words,
No more than just worthless broken records
I continue asking all the wrong questions
While scouring for the right answers.

My vengeance,
It’s spreading wider than I dare to admit
Like a time bomb dangerously ticking away
With only a few more seconds to spare.

My sanity,
It has been tested ever so vigorously
With every calamity a piece is taken away
While no rapture can mend it back together.

My Life,
A sorry reminder of the power above.

The Untold

It is a terrible feeling isn’t it, when you have to run away from happiness. You certainly don’t want to, but you have no choice, you just have to. A terrible, terrible feeling.

Imagine being happy in the moment with that warm tingling feeling, feeling appreciated, feeling that you belong. So you smile and laugh, your eyes bright and sparkle reflecting the warmth. Then you allow yourself to go deeper in the bliss without a care in the world. And you allow yourself to dream. You convince yourself that you can make it work and it is working, that you have a lot to give and can make it better, and that you are needed.

But somehow, in the middle of all that, when you are right at the peak of the happiness, when you are convince that this time it is for real, somehow, you manage to snap out of it. Sense comes rushing in. Logic and reality take their places. And you crash down so violently.

That’s when you feel it, the first of the terrible feeling. The pain, like a dagger through your heart. You feel it deep, the feeling of reality, and it just hurt so badly. You feel worthless and defeated.

Immediately you want to chuck away the feeling. You want it gone straight away. And because of that, you resort to anger. You cry foul. You choose to point finger. By any means, you want the feeling to go away.

And again reality takes place. The realisation of the truth hurts you more. The realisation that the finger should only point to you. It is unfair to be angry. So you keep on smiling. You try to maintain the bright sparkling eyes even though inside you are sinking.

You force a smile for the root of it all when it is right in front of you. You have no choice but to control the feelings you feel in the first place. You allow yourself to indulge in it for a little bit and at the same time you built up walls around you so you won’t get lost in the happiness. And it’s hard, so hard to pull yourself out every time you get too deep, but you just have to. Every time the happiness gets too overwhelming, you run away from it but only to be pull back in. And this keeps on happening, keeps on repeating. The longer it goes on, the more it keeps repeating, the harder it gets. And it is so hard.

The thought of saying goodbye for good cross your mind but you lack the strength to do it. You can’t muster enough courage and will power to say it out loud. Why? Because although you know it’s impossible, you can’t help but continue to hope that someday you won’t have to run anymore. Although it is ridiculous, your heart overrules your mind. You keep on hoping that one day you won't be allowed to run.

So you stay guarded within the walls you built to taste a bit of the happiness again, although you know well it is going nowhere. Even when you fully understand you will have to keep running, even when you know you have to keep disappointing your heart every time it gets too much.

And that's when the misery complete, that's when the terrible feeling complete. The terrible, terrible feeling.

All because the root of it all is so precious to you.

And it is so hard...

White Flag

Volatile heart is mine,
And true enough only volatile hearts linked to mine.
A curse or simply order of the world,
In the end we all get what we deserve.

My downfall is I remember too well,
The colours and the scent, all too well
All planted deep in my memory, unforgivingly,
Anchored by my hatred and wrapped in self pity.

I don’t mean to hang on to it too much,
But they keep on playing in my mind like a chant.
And no longer I know the right from the wrong,
Addled by bitterness my judgement is gone.

Oh how I long for the lost times,
When the heart was still smiling and calm,
How I’m tired of the lonely rainy days,
When even the mind has nothing to say.

I’m giving up, because I can’t see the point anymore.

Six Feet Under

I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy. Or feeling that everything is going to be ok, no matter what deep shit I was in. I used to be so optimistic. I used to think that however twisted the situation I faced, everything somehow was going to fall into place. I was convinced that the universe has pre-set my life to have a happy ending. Blind optimism.

Now I'm thinking I might never get to look back to my life feeling proud. I won't be able to say, 'Look, I could or could not have done better with my life, but nobody can say I didn't live it to the fullest and gave it my best shot.'

Why am I suddenly thinking about this? Well over breakfast today, my mum told me about this friend of my family and how he is having a tough life. He must be close to 50 years old right now. I remember him. He is the son of a canteen operator at the school my dad used to teach. He is a nice guy, an honest, hardworking guy. I used to think he was really cool and I kind of looked up to him. Now, he is finding life quite difficult.

So I sat there listening to my mum telling me about him while stuffing my face and thought, if a guy like that having it tough right now, how will I have it in 10 years time? How about in 20 years time? 30 years?

I feel like right now my life is going nowhere. I have no plans. I made fun of myself, in hope I won’t be too miserable thinking about my life direction. I have no guts. People have told me countless times never to give up. Well I don’t think they have to worry about that. I’m too embarrassed to even feel like ‘giving up’, because quite simply I feel I don’t have the right to it. I mean how can I give up when I have never even tried in the first place?

Funny isn't it, when I realise my life is going downhill (I can even blog about it for god's sake) and still I let it be. To make it worse, I certainly know where I'm going wrong, I know what I should do to make it right but I'm just not doing it!

Why? I'm sorry, I have no answer to that...

Stripping Me

I’m free falling.

I used to be this innocent naïve guy who viewed the world as all nice, dandy & beautiful. When I saw and heard of bad things, I feel that it was extremely unlucky for whoever the bad things fall upon, I feel it was a one in a million thing and bad things only happen to bad people. And bad things will never ever happen to me.

Now, I have change. Things happened to me, awful things. I may still be naïve, but I’m certainly not innocent anymore. I don’t see the world as all nice, dandy & beautiful any longer. When bad things happened, I will say shit happens. Bad things happened to everyone all the time. You can do all the good that you want but you will still be cursed.

Some people may see that as being realistic. Being realistic is not that bad, isn’t it? Yes, it’s not a bad thing on its own but when you use it to gain sympathy or to get attention for yourself, it becomes dangerous. And I fear that I’m doing it now, using my tragedies to take advantage of people. Most people still see me as an innocent & naïve guy who made mistakes, and I’m using that to benefits me.

The things I swore I will never do are now somewhat part of the norm to me. I swore I will never play with hearts but I think I did that. I manipulate. I acted like I’m a caring sort of guy who is just there to help, to make sure others won't make the same mistakes as mine. In truth, I probably am just going for what I want, my own agenda. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing all this purposely. I’m saying I might do all this without knowing or realising it. But that doesn’t make it ok. The most terrible and dangerous thing is to be evil without even realising it. I genuinely believe that Hitler did all the inhumane thing to the Jews while thinking he was doing the world a favour. That doesn’t make him less evil now does it?

One of my favorite topics to talk about is on hypocrites. I will tell people I’m the biggest hypocrite alive and I will make it sound like I was dead serious. Of course then they will think that no hypocrites will admit that they are. It’s the reverse psychology, just to confuse people up. They will first think I’m serious because I will say it seriously, but after a while they will conclude that I’m not. And again I’m not doing this purposely. When I say those words, that I’m a hypocrite, I will feel that I’m warning them about me. But deep inside I know the real reason. I’m just manipulating, to get people trust.

I’m an angry person. But I don’t lash my anger out to everyone. My colleagues, they see me as a nice, quiet and patient guy who is harmless and mean no harm to anyone. And yes, that is how I am at work but not because that’s who I really am. I just don’t feel comfortable with people I’m not close to. To the people I’m close to however, I will have no qualms in showing my anger to them. The more comfortable I feel with them, the more of the real me will surface. I hurt the ones who I ironically care about the most.

Like I said, the things that I swore to never do is now fairly the norm to me. I’ve become this horrible monster that I’m afraid to admit. Once I told a friend if it gets out of control, just kill me. It’s certainly getting out of control now.

I have change a lot, and I don’t like what I have become.

A Plea To Self

The anger I have inside is getting ridiculous. Slowly it’s killing me. It’s killing the people around me. I need to get rid of it but I don’t know how.

The longer I keep it inside the worst it will get. I’m fully aware of that. Then why is it still there? Why can’t I free myself from it? I have tried all I can. This is not because of other people anymore. This is all me. I’m holding up my hands. I admit the problem is me. I can’t take it any longer.

They say admitting it is the first step. Now what? Confront it? Confront what? Who? What is the cause of my anger? I honestly do not know.

One day I will have to pay for all this. One day the consequences will get to me. By that time it might be too late. By that time maybe regretting is all I can do but it wont be of any good. Regrets wont turn back time. I need to do something now.

My anger is affecting me personally, my family. It’s affecting my work, my friends. It’s affecting everything that I care about. I can’t let this to continue. I have to put a stop to it.

If I’m really honest with myself I know what I have to do. But why am I not doing it? Have I strayed too far until I can’t see the path anymore? Maybe what I need are tragedies. Tragedies all the time. Maybe only then I will find my way back.

If that’s really what I need then be it. I deserve it.

Square One

He walked and watched
and tried to understand
Everything seemed too big
too overwhelming

He strived and struggled
and tried hard as he can
Everything was too difficult
too intimidating

He learned and wised up
and tasted success
Everything seemed so smooth
so in the grasp

So he ran and jumped
and enjoyed his harvest
Everything seemed so perfect
so very assured

He began to wander and explore
and try new things
but again everything seemed too big
too overwhelming

And now he’s back to walking and watching
and trying to understand
Like once everything seems too difficult
too intimidating

He’ll keep on striving and struggling
and trying hard as he can
Maybe one day he’ll go back to running and jumping
and truly enjoying...

The Minute I Said Goodbye

I missed you the minute I said goodbye

The minute I said goodbye,
I wished for more

I felt empty
I threw away my inspiration.

The minute I said goodbye,
I killed part of me
I suffered

I surrendered to pain.

The minute I said goodbye,
I drowned in sorrow
I gave up
I fell into misery.

I lost a friend the very minute I said goodbye

I’m missing you, I wish you well.

That Morning...

Do you remember that morning when my car got clamped?

I still remember it clearly, I had to pay RM50 to the guards! You had to come down to deal with them. I was already late, so you had to rush down. No time to take your shower, your hair was all messy but you were so beautiful that morning. So beautiful!

You came down, smiling sheepishly. You told the guards that we were engaged. Haha, not that it mattered. You wore the pink sweater, your face clearly showed you didn’t get enough sleep. Actually both of us didn’t get much sleep..

One regret that I have about that morning, I didn’t tell you how beautiful you were. Rushing to work, all I can think about was what I’m going to tell my boss for being late. But really, I should have told you that. I should have said that you made my heart skiped a beat, that was how beautiful you were. Well, I don’t think I even kissed you goodbye…

Memories, aren’t they wonderful? Memories are all I have now.

I miss you so much…

The 'Big Ifs'

If only I was stronger, if only I held on more firmly, I wouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling now. Miserable, good for nothing, lost…

Am I any better than the killers out there? Am I more human than the monsters that always hog the headlines? The sadistic animal that exist, am I much different than them?

Throw me into the world without any cotton wool wrapper and I drifted hopelessly. Reckless, thoughtless….stupid. It’s like there was no limit for me. Broken homes, bad childhood, rough poor life, at least they had their excuses. What were mine?

So much trusts and hopes were pinned on me by my loved ones, and I broke every single one of it. Naively or not, it doesn't matter. I screwed up.

Now I cry at night, the pain is like nothing I ever imagine before. The hate and anger just won’t go away, bitterness and sadness alike. And yet I miss her terribly.

The scariest thing is, put me in the same situations, give me the same choices and there is not a tiny doubt in my mind that I will go down the same way all over again. With what I’ve experienced, I will do things just as bad, if not worse.

God, please don’t give up on me…

If only I did things differently, if only...

Feverish anger

How can anyone feel they have a god given right to be loved? Fuck it, are you really that thick?! “No matter what I do, love me, adore me, be there for me. Don’t expect anything from me, cause you are irrelevant. It is me, and only me that matters. JUST LOVE ME!”


Unconditional love? It exists but don’t expect it. You can hope, pray & dream but don’t you ever expect it, especially when you have done nothing to deserve it. You destroyed everything, you manipulative, 2 faced parasite!

You don’t deserve to be happy, ever!

Never again will I be so stupid.

Never again will I be so weak.

Good riddance, wish it had happened sooner!

My so called life (it's corny, I know)

What do you make of your life? Wonderful? Sad? Non-existing? Well whatever it is, it’s your life. You have no choice but to accept your fate. Just get on with it…hmm, on second thought, maybe you do (have choices).

My life started out fine. The first 17 years, that’s what I thought. It was not extraordinarily good or bad, it was just…safe. Nothing to worry about, nothing to care about. The key word here is nothing. I certainly didn’t think enough about it at that time. They say ignorance is bliss. Well that is true, but when it turn around and bite you in the arse, you know you are screwed.

Like I said, at that time I thought my life was fine but looking back now it certainly wasn’t. It was sad. My motto at that time was, ‘when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose’. (My Along once added, “and you will have nothing to gain either”. And she’s right…not because I gave it a lot of thought, but because she’s always right, always!). I was a spoiled brat (maybe still am), ultimate original brat. The word brat was created for me. Pampered by my family, my family’s friends, teachers, and even my seniors and friends at school (weird!).

I got most things that I want, I was satisfied with everything I have, no goals, no ambitions. Spoon-fed all the time. I just sit still in my comfortable safe little world. I don’t take risk, I don’t take opportunities, I did nothing at all. I stayed out of trouble, behaved well most of the time (once got caught for not going to assembly and thought I was so cool). While my friends go here and there, do this and that, I just sit at home reading comics, daydreaming and playing mom’s favorite little brat. And the best part is, at that time, I thought I was the most ‘self-aware’ human being on the entire planet. I thought I was smart!

Now 10 years on, the feeling is still there. That uncontrollable ‘self-aware’ feeling. Only this time it makes me sad, because I know it’s not true…