The Untold

It is a terrible feeling isn’t it, when you have to run away from happiness. You certainly don’t want to, but you have no choice, you just have to. A terrible, terrible feeling.

Imagine being happy in the moment with that warm tingling feeling, feeling appreciated, feeling that you belong. So you smile and laugh, your eyes bright and sparkle reflecting the warmth. Then you allow yourself to go deeper in the bliss without a care in the world. And you allow yourself to dream. You convince yourself that you can make it work and it is working, that you have a lot to give and can make it better, and that you are needed.

But somehow, in the middle of all that, when you are right at the peak of the happiness, when you are convince that this time it is for real, somehow, you manage to snap out of it. Sense comes rushing in. Logic and reality take their places. And you crash down so violently.

That’s when you feel it, the first of the terrible feeling. The pain, like a dagger through your heart. You feel it deep, the feeling of reality, and it just hurt so badly. You feel worthless and defeated.

Immediately you want to chuck away the feeling. You want it gone straight away. And because of that, you resort to anger. You cry foul. You choose to point finger. By any means, you want the feeling to go away.

And again reality takes place. The realisation of the truth hurts you more. The realisation that the finger should only point to you. It is unfair to be angry. So you keep on smiling. You try to maintain the bright sparkling eyes even though inside you are sinking.

You force a smile for the root of it all when it is right in front of you. You have no choice but to control the feelings you feel in the first place. You allow yourself to indulge in it for a little bit and at the same time you built up walls around you so you won’t get lost in the happiness. And it’s hard, so hard to pull yourself out every time you get too deep, but you just have to. Every time the happiness gets too overwhelming, you run away from it but only to be pull back in. And this keeps on happening, keeps on repeating. The longer it goes on, the more it keeps repeating, the harder it gets. And it is so hard.

The thought of saying goodbye for good cross your mind but you lack the strength to do it. You can’t muster enough courage and will power to say it out loud. Why? Because although you know it’s impossible, you can’t help but continue to hope that someday you won’t have to run anymore. Although it is ridiculous, your heart overrules your mind. You keep on hoping that one day you won't be allowed to run.

So you stay guarded within the walls you built to taste a bit of the happiness again, although you know well it is going nowhere. Even when you fully understand you will have to keep running, even when you know you have to keep disappointing your heart every time it gets too much.

And that's when the misery complete, that's when the terrible feeling complete. The terrible, terrible feeling.

All because the root of it all is so precious to you.

And it is so hard...