How Many Times Can A Heart Breaks

At first in my mind it plays so simple,

I love you and you love me, that’s it, so simple,

The secrecy and the jealousy, they are bearable,

For you and me together, a bliss in a bubble.

Waiting for the safe window deep in the night, 

Sleep turns secondary resting eyes just a slight, 

While the world in a slumber we are fresh and bright, 

Beaming and glowing, you my princess are always a delight. 

When it’s our time, seems like no one else matters, 

That one other in our love equation is a non-factor, 

Like a silent letter, it’s there but no one bothers, 

And our love ecstasy keeps getting bigger and deeper. 

But then reality sets in, sense sets in, 

And then that non-factor, factors in, 

The rapture turns ache painfully deep within, 

A concern in particular keeps peeking in. 

How many times can a heart breaks? 

How much more sorrow can my heart takes? 

Do we not realise what is at stake? 

Mustn't we muster the courage to hit the brakes? 

I love you princess then and now my feelings are true, 

Truly convinced it should have been me and you, 

With certainty I knew, they were not mere clues, 

Ever after was waiting for us, just me and you. 

Sadly now, our paths are just too far apart to come together, 

The first time you so abruptly left our fate expires, 

Our time has passed, however strong our feelings they no longer matter, 

Alone, again I’ll be left to pick up the pieces that you shatter. 

Just how many times can a heart breaks? 

Forgive me Eyg, I no longer have what it takes, to find out..

Garbage

Now where do I start?

How about this; I hate myself.

That says it all right there. If I stop right there, right after ‘I hate myself’, it will still be enough to show how I’m feeling right now. I’m not feeling good. I’m feeling terrible. I feel shit actually. Things have been happening for the past week, with today the worst of it all. Today better be the peak because I don’t know if I can handle anything worse.

The thing is, this shitty feeling I’m feeling now comes from the disappointment of not being able to handle even the slightest of mishap. That’s why I hate myself. Just barely a month ago I feel like I’m on top of the world with everything going great. Like everything is in order, going the right way. Now I feel everything is falling apart. You see how stupid that is? The only place I belong to is inside a cotton wool wrapper.

Just a month ago I feel like I have completely ‘healed’, 100%. But I was mistaken. I wasn’t ‘healed’. How can you heal from something that you are? This is just me. I thought I changed because of the things that happened to me a few years back. When I really think about it though, nothing changed me. Nothing changed me into something that I thought I could heal from. This is just me. Right from the start of the time, this is me. The real me. Sometimes I managed to disguise the real me really good, even from myself. Right now though, stripped to the bone, it is becoming clear to me that how I am right at this moment is the real me. I didn’t change a few years back. I have always been like how I am now.

Realising that makes me hates myself. And if I fail to love myself, how can I love anyone else?

A Message

This is for you.

You are not unlucky, you are weak. You are not different, ‘different’ is just something you tell yourself in your attempt to justify it all. You are not a victim, you invite all the troubles. You are not sincere, you are a fraud.

You enjoy being depressed. You think you are depressed but you are not. You are just a drama retard.

Who are you blaming now? God? Your parents? Families? Friends? THEM?

Snap out of it, will you? It is getting old now.

You think you are being brave? How funny. You think you are ‘a candle who shoo darkness away for others’? Even funnier. You are just a coward. A stubborn coward that is. And you are selfish. When are you going to learn that everything you do, and everything that happens to you will affect other people? Unfortunate isn’t it, once we existed, like it or not we have that strings all over us that connect us to others. That’s a fact of life. Deal with it. Stop being a coward and stop being a selfish cow.

Stop trying to be philosophical. You don’t know the first thing about it. You look stupid when you try it. Your words, they are just empty words. No sense, no meaning. Every time something happens, you will try to make it look like you are just the victim of the circumstances.

“Oh look at that poor thing. So many problems and yet so much courage, such a strong spirit.”
That’s what you want them all to say right? Well fuck off!

And the most baffling part of it all, you actually believe that screw ups, the tragedies, will make you look good, isn’t it? You actually believe that. Mysterious. Deep. Interesting. Are those what you are going for? What are you, 13? Just how daft can you be?

You think it’s ‘cool’ to be miserable?

“Look at me ya’ll. Look at me peeps. I’m in deep shit ya’ll, but I can still paaaartay! Bejeezel deezeejel, I’m still down with it ya’ll!”

For crying out loud, STOP BEING FAKE!

You are a joke. Not because of your parents, or families, or friends, or THEM. You are the reason for all the troubles. It is you, nothing but you. And again, please try to understand this, YOU AFFECT OTHERS. No matter how much you try to take it all alone, no matter how much you think you are facing it alone, you are not. Y-o-u....a-f-f-e-c-t....o-t-h-e-r-s. That is just the way it is. You have got to start taking that responsibility. Stop hiding. Stop being a hypocrite.

And please stop blaming fate. It is really getting tiring.



Yours truly,

Me………
XXXOXOXOOOX






Eva, no, this is not about you. It's not about me either. In fact it's about no one. Yes, this is totally made up. :)

White Flag 2

Uncertainties, life is full of those, isn’t it? We can plan everything right to the last details but in the end, more often than not, nothing goes to plan. Things will end differently, better or worse, they will be different.

Life, it is all about the uncertainties. I admit to that. Life is about taking the uncertainties as a challenge. I bow to that. Life is all about the sweat and the tears, along with the laughter. I applaud that. Life is all about the struggles, the comebacks, the strives. I understand that. Uncertainties are just a norm in life. I know that.

But not my life. No more uncertainties. I know where I’m heading and I don’t like it.

I had dreams not so long ago about how my life would be. Right now I only have nightmares. No, ‘nightmares’ is not the right word. Nightmares aren’t real. Nightmares are not based on real world. What I have now are pointy clues, based on facts, calculated with logic. And the facts are not good. The logic is not flattering.

Quite ironic really, I’ve spent a big chunk of my life being depressed because of the uncertainties, but right now it is the certainty that is killing me.

I’ve been told that I’m too negative, that I tend to over analysed. ‘Stop thinking too much’ & ‘stop being a miserable pessimist’. If I had a penny every time I heard that….

Those lips telling me I’m too negative, they know nothing about me, or they are just quite plainly wearing rose tinted glasses. If only they take the glasses off, they would see what I’m seeing. They would know the only reason I’m still here is because I’m too scared to take the other option. And they would see my future and they will never utter those words to me again.

Uncertainties used to scare me, now it is the certainty that is killing me. And finding the way out from something so certain is impossible.

Take the glasses off and you will see.




**DISCLAIMER - THIS ENTRY HAS NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE, DEAD OR ALIVE**

Cracked

Tell me what you see through your pretty eyes
Your honest unbiased, pretty eyes
As it’s hard for me to look past it all
The thick cloud hovering over my head
The layers of shadows blocking away the path

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel
To end my weak steps stumbling in the dark
Is there a rainbow waiting to guide me
To the precious pot you keep telling me about
I dare not conclude what my blind eyes is telling me

And what do you hear from all this violent vibe
With the endless chaos thundering threateningly
To me the rain only pours sombre reminder
Of what I am and where I’m going
A non-entity, to a place so empty nothing matters

Your accusing screams are drowning my calling
Should there be any at all, that is
In the middle of it all, trying hard as I can
I can only hear my heart being sliced to pieces
That accompanies the sharp pain I feel deep inside

Head down, I’m on my knees
With my fingers stuck in the mud
Believe me I’ve tried to stand up
Believe me I’ve tried to look up
But the shoulders are just too heavy
And the eyes are just too fiery

Doom merchant, naysayer?
To hell with you
It just doesn’t matter anymore

My Life

My life,
It doesn’t have a sweet voice narrating it
No loud trumpets announcing victories
No gloomy days accompanying my tears.

My dreams,
They are filled with your faces
When the lids are closed I can hear you clearly
In every motion, in every emotion.

My wants,
A constant struggle against what I need
Greedily trying to grasp too much wrong
When I can’t even grab the simplest of right.

My words,
No more than just worthless broken records
I continue asking all the wrong questions
While scouring for the right answers.

My vengeance,
It’s spreading wider than I dare to admit
Like a time bomb dangerously ticking away
With only a few more seconds to spare.

My sanity,
It has been tested ever so vigorously
With every calamity a piece is taken away
While no rapture can mend it back together.

My Life,
A sorry reminder of the power above.

The Untold

It is a terrible feeling isn’t it, when you have to run away from happiness. You certainly don’t want to, but you have no choice, you just have to. A terrible, terrible feeling.

Imagine being happy in the moment with that warm tingling feeling, feeling appreciated, feeling that you belong. So you smile and laugh, your eyes bright and sparkle reflecting the warmth. Then you allow yourself to go deeper in the bliss without a care in the world. And you allow yourself to dream. You convince yourself that you can make it work and it is working, that you have a lot to give and can make it better, and that you are needed.

But somehow, in the middle of all that, when you are right at the peak of the happiness, when you are convince that this time it is for real, somehow, you manage to snap out of it. Sense comes rushing in. Logic and reality take their places. And you crash down so violently.

That’s when you feel it, the first of the terrible feeling. The pain, like a dagger through your heart. You feel it deep, the feeling of reality, and it just hurt so badly. You feel worthless and defeated.

Immediately you want to chuck away the feeling. You want it gone straight away. And because of that, you resort to anger. You cry foul. You choose to point finger. By any means, you want the feeling to go away.

And again reality takes place. The realisation of the truth hurts you more. The realisation that the finger should only point to you. It is unfair to be angry. So you keep on smiling. You try to maintain the bright sparkling eyes even though inside you are sinking.

You force a smile for the root of it all when it is right in front of you. You have no choice but to control the feelings you feel in the first place. You allow yourself to indulge in it for a little bit and at the same time you built up walls around you so you won’t get lost in the happiness. And it’s hard, so hard to pull yourself out every time you get too deep, but you just have to. Every time the happiness gets too overwhelming, you run away from it but only to be pull back in. And this keeps on happening, keeps on repeating. The longer it goes on, the more it keeps repeating, the harder it gets. And it is so hard.

The thought of saying goodbye for good cross your mind but you lack the strength to do it. You can’t muster enough courage and will power to say it out loud. Why? Because although you know it’s impossible, you can’t help but continue to hope that someday you won’t have to run anymore. Although it is ridiculous, your heart overrules your mind. You keep on hoping that one day you won't be allowed to run.

So you stay guarded within the walls you built to taste a bit of the happiness again, although you know well it is going nowhere. Even when you fully understand you will have to keep running, even when you know you have to keep disappointing your heart every time it gets too much.

And that's when the misery complete, that's when the terrible feeling complete. The terrible, terrible feeling.

All because the root of it all is so precious to you.

And it is so hard...

Awakening

I met an old friend this afternoon. I knew him from my school days, during this one tennis tournament. He beat me in a close match and we got along well after that. We stayed in touch and became quite close, until we lost contact a few years back. Never thought I would ever saw him ever again but it is a small world after all.

He didn’t change much. I recognised him instantly when I saw him. He was with this very pretty girl which I thought was his girlfriend. She was carrying a few plastic bags so I guess they were in the middle of their shopping.

Seeing me, he sent his girl away, telling her he wanted to do some catching up with me. She didn’t look please at first but after a few firm words from him, she obeyed.

We ended up having a drink, laughing at old stories and telling new ones to each other. One conversation led to another until he told me he has never been happier than he is now. The reason, he said confidently, “I made the best decision I have ever made. After I broke up with my long time girlfriend, I decided to stay single. And I've been single ever since.”

I asked him about the pretty girl and he told me, “No, she’s not my girlfriend. She is just one of the girls I’m having fun with right now.”

“Er, does she know that? She seems madly in love with you,” I asked him.

“That’s not my problem,” he said without any hesitation. “She’s a great girl and all, but I’m just looking for some fun. She makes me happy in more ways than one, if you know what I mean, but in the end she is just a girl.”

He then continued telling me, “You must be wondering what the hell happened that made me this way right? Actually nothing happened. I just woke up one morning feeling girls should be enjoyed and nothing else. So enjoying them I am!”

“And this really is making you happy?” I asked.

“Yes, happier than I have ever been,” he answered firmly.

“Are you going to call me a big bastard now?” He asked looking straight at me.

I looked straight back at him, paused a few seconds. Then I smiled and said, “Well, yes, you big bastard......well done...”

He smiled back, “I knew you would understand.”

We continued our conversation until the pretty girl came back, excitedly telling him, “Sayang, look what I got you. I bet you will look great in it!”

And we kept on smiling...

Mess

I was told that writing can be therapeutic. If you have something deep down it will be easier to let it out by writing. It will de-stress you, it will heal you, it will do…..fuck all!

Because I made a mistake by not staying anonymous. Because of that I have to mind what I write about, I can’t be totally honest when it will need my utmost honesty to let it out of my chest.

Lately I’ve been thinking about it a lot and the memory of it will stay with me forever. That is part of my punishment; I will never find happiness until the day I die. Until the day I’ll be thrown in hell.

It’s better to just disappear, at least I won’t drag anyone into this mess.

Well at least I’m still sane, I don’t see it in my dreams calling my name asking why……

Maybe I will soon.

The Dream

One night a few months back I had a dream.

I was in my school musolla. While everyone was praying at the front, I got distracted by something glowing and shining at the back. It was like a shrine, something you find in a temple. Instead of me joining the prayers, I just sat at the back watching the shrine. The shrine appealed to me more.

I wish I had woken up sweating with my heart beating fast n violent, but I did not. I woke up in a daze, confused by the dream but then went back to sleep immediately. I wish the dream would have bothered me a whole lot more but it didn’t. I have forgotten all about the dream until last night while I was listening to the tazkirah.

The dream itself might be nothing more than just a dream but the fact that I can just forget about it worries me. It kind of reaffirms my fear that I have strayed too far.

I am just too fickle. Time and again I have asked forgiveness from God only to keep doing the same mistakes. When I repent, if I can call it repent, I really meant it. I promised to never do it again, but it keeps on happening. No matter how strong the will I had I will just keep doing it. No matter how much I regretted it, it will recur. And now it has become something that I ruefully accepted, it will never go away and I can never change.

Just imagine asking for forgiveness, repenting, but at the same time knowing it will surely happens again. It’s like there is no more hope.

And for this one mistake that I once did, I have never really regretted it. I mean the regret was there, the terrible feeling is felt until today and I told friends that it was the biggest mistake in my life but I have never regretted it the way that I should. I truly realised the magnitude of what I did, but what I felt wasn't really guilt. It wasn't remorse. It was relief, because I got away with it.

And last night while listening to the tazkirah, I thought about the dream that I had a few months back. And I thought about that mistake. And tears were dropped but not because of the guilt. It was because I can’t feel the regret.

I feel dead inside.

I'm Talking To You!

Hey you, do you know how it feels?
I've put my efforts in, may not be enough you
but I’ve tried nonetheless
It’s all good that you’re doing it for yourself
but how about me?

Hey you, don’t you dare me!
I may be a breeze on the surface
but underneath this breeze will spread the fire
Better quit pushing your luck
the heat will be too much for you to handle.

Hey you, I don’t need your sympathy!
Stop feeling sorry for me
I’m not some little project you take on
to make you feel good about yourself
I’m not your charity case.

Hey you,
Stop hurting me!

Stop blaming your grief!
Stop using your mess as your shield!
Come out & come clean!

A Plea To Self

The anger I have inside is getting ridiculous. Slowly it’s killing me. It’s killing the people around me. I need to get rid of it but I don’t know how.

The longer I keep it inside the worst it will get. I’m fully aware of that. Then why is it still there? Why can’t I free myself from it? I have tried all I can. This is not because of other people anymore. This is all me. I’m holding up my hands. I admit the problem is me. I can’t take it any longer.

They say admitting it is the first step. Now what? Confront it? Confront what? Who? What is the cause of my anger? I honestly do not know.

One day I will have to pay for all this. One day the consequences will get to me. By that time it might be too late. By that time maybe regretting is all I can do but it wont be of any good. Regrets wont turn back time. I need to do something now.

My anger is affecting me personally, my family. It’s affecting my work, my friends. It’s affecting everything that I care about. I can’t let this to continue. I have to put a stop to it.

If I’m really honest with myself I know what I have to do. But why am I not doing it? Have I strayed too far until I can’t see the path anymore? Maybe what I need are tragedies. Tragedies all the time. Maybe only then I will find my way back.

If that’s really what I need then be it. I deserve it.

Feverish anger

How can anyone feel they have a god given right to be loved? Fuck it, are you really that thick?! “No matter what I do, love me, adore me, be there for me. Don’t expect anything from me, cause you are irrelevant. It is me, and only me that matters. JUST LOVE ME!”


Unconditional love? It exists but don’t expect it. You can hope, pray & dream but don’t you ever expect it, especially when you have done nothing to deserve it. You destroyed everything, you manipulative, 2 faced parasite!

You don’t deserve to be happy, ever!

Never again will I be so stupid.

Never again will I be so weak.

Good riddance, wish it had happened sooner!