Inside A Mug

Pick me up with your spoon because right now I feel so small
With all the riches in my life at the moment everything still seem so tall
Burning in the boiling water I keep telling myself to grow some balls
But I keep on running into dead ends and bumping into porcelain wall

Yeah yeah I know you have grown tired listening to all this
You would rather hear me say ‘it’s rosy let’s have some more of that kiss’
But I can’t help it if my life feels like a death sentence from the beast
At times the pain is so real it doesn't matter how hard I hold my fist

I’m at the point where I no longer bother to ask why
It’s easier to fake ignorance than to break fingers digging up the root and cry
Because as soon as the tears stop flowing and I wipe my eyes dry
I’ll be back laughing with my forsaken soul on the same pathetic high

31 years and still all I can see is only the light at the end of the tunnel
Like a never ending journey through a never ending murky canal
Don’t you dare telling me to get some perspective from the stories of them all
No chicken soup nonsense can ease the bulging ache inside from all the wobbles

Now I do understand I always come out looking like a whiny princess
A weak brat who cries like a sissy when things don’t fall into their places
But I know what I’m doing and trust me I’m not being an ungrateful jackass
This is just to let it all out so I can release all the bottled restlessness

So get lost and save your lecture because I know my life sucks
I’ve been lucky all my life and now it looks like I’m running out of luck
Looking to the past present and future I feel like a tiny hopeless little bug
Just waiting for the time, drowning and dying inside a mug




I have got to stop listening to Eminem!

7th In The 10th

So here I am seventh in the tenth
Unchanged even it’s the third and second
Self pity’s still without the end
Temper still lacking the medicine
What could it be that keep on pressing
The more I learn the more it’s confusing
Like my mind is inside a coffin
Dark, thick, rough and suffocating

Do I know why do I know how
No need to mull over no need to scout
'Cause I do know why and I do know how
Clear as crystal in my head so loud
To do and to be is all that’s left now
Screw everything, realize my unkept vows
Follow the straight line, no bend and foul
But I stay rooted still, like a silly cow

Perhaps I feel time is on my side
Enough is not enough still plenty to bite
Sun’s still shinning with no sign of the night
This is awful I know but I have tried
Despite strangely looking at myself in spite
I can feel superior, a feeling I try to hide
So what am I to do except keeping it tight
Pray for the light and keep up the fight

It should be easier now since I’ve found her
Still the fight will go on and I will try harder
The pain won’t matter, I’ll keep going forever
For as long as I have my love for her.

*I just want to rhyme, and this is inspired by the Marshall..

Meaningless

We will never tire of asking why
Looking around us trying to make sense of it all
And sometimes tracing our steps back
We got dead lost, lost sight of what’s ahead

Often the tears that we dropped
They all seem in vain; useless and wasteful
The tears might as well have been blood
And still we are nowhere, only grasping at thin air

Ever so gloom we try to look forward
Ever so hard we try to force a smile out
Back and forth between the memory and the present
Suddenly we find we are stuck in the middle

Now I’m not going to pretend I know exactly how you feel
But I can see you are confusing desperation with moving on
That feeling when you feel you’re in too deep
Impossible to crawl yourself up to the surface again

I am crying for you
With the cut deep inside I do feel for you
But between my issues and my life path
The limit is reached, however pathetic it is

So keep on walking your steps
Backward or forward it won’t make a difference
Because that day you heart broke a million pieces
Was the last time you will ever feel complete

It’s not supposed to be understood right?
Don’t worry, I understand that now

Sweet Problem

You know how doctors, because they think they are smart, they like to give talks, write books or articles, or simply talk to strangers in the kedai kopi, right? In their little talks or writings they always like to advise people, give annoying health tips and tell stories of their ‘precious’ experiences (yawn).

I’ve read or heard them say many times something along the line of, ‘You think this disease is only for old people? Think again, I’ve had many patients as young as 30 years old diagnosed with it’. And my response to that was always ‘Yeah yeah whatever’. I just couldn’t care less. However, the next time I hear (or read) doctors saying that, I imagine my response will be different. Different in what way will remain to be seen but it will be different for sure. Because now, their ‘30 years old patient diagnosed with it’ in their stories is me, and ‘it’ being diabetes. I have just being diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 30 years and 3 months old.

Well the story is like this. I went for my medical check up this morning, for my new job. (Yes, I’m leaving GUP, alhamdulillah). The check up started with the nurse handing me a little bottle to pee in. I’ve always worried about this peeing in a little cup business. What if I peed too much I made a mess of it? What if I can’t pee at all? What if when I handed back the little cup filled with my pee to the nurse and she threw up because it is so disgusting?

But the nurse handed me a little bottle, not a little cup, and instantly I was convinced it will go well. So confidently I walked to the toilet to do my mission and I did it perfectly. Clean, tidy and fast. And when I handed the bottle back to the nurse she just took it like it was nothing. Pheww, no embarrassing moment there!

So I sat down waiting for my turn to see the doctor happily. Text (texted?) a few of my friends telling them that I’m having my check up. I have always told everyone that I hate going to the doctor because for me doctors are the bearers of bad news. So in texting my friends I acted happy and brave, just to let them know no doctors scare me at all.

When the nurse opened the door and called out my name, I stood up quickly, pushed my chest as far forward and lifted my chin as high as I can as if to say ‘right, let’s get this nonsense waste of time over with’.

The nurse weighed me (I’ve lost weight!) and measured my height. Then the doctor asked me to sit down and she started asking me questions.

Do you have any allergies? No.
Have you ever had any operations? No
Any disease? NO!

Do you smoke?
Err, yes.

The doctor then checked my pulse, my heartbeat and my blood pressure. Then she proceeded by trying to blind me with that ridiculously bright little torchlight and looking very carefully to my eyes. I was scared that the doctor would ask me about the blue ring that circles my eyeballs, but she didn’t.

She shifted her attention to my ears and I almost say ‘damn it!’ out loud because I forgot to clean them. I was so sure she’s going to say something about it, but she didn’t. Instead she poked some cold hard metal into my ears and I instinctively tilted my head away because it really tickled. “Relax”, she said and I relaxed, and she continued examining my ears.

She did the reflex test to my knee and elbow, asked me to lie down and checked my stomach, asked me to sit up straight and checked my back. And after all that she sat down, wrote a few things down and said ‘everything seems fine’. I gave her a smile, one of those smiles that say, ‘well duh, of course everything is fine!’

I was just about to say ‘are we done here?’ when she got up, walked to a desk at the corner.

“Now it’s time for your urine test.”
Sigh whatever lah, can we just get it done quickly?

“Let see here. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….eh, you have diabetes!”
Say what?

I look straight at her quizzically and she repeated, “You have diabetes.”

“What?”, I said automatically.

“Let me show you”, she said while showing me a piece of cardboard like test thingy. “You see here it says blue is for negative and brown is for positive. Look at yours, it’s brown.”

I must have this look on my face that said ‘well either you’re stupid or your test thingy is broken’, because she then said, “I tak tipu ok. Let’s sit and do blood test.”

She took my blood sample to check my sugar level and while waiting for the reading to come out she explained to me that anything above 7 means a mild case of diabetes and anything above 10 means, well, you are screwed.

And a few seconds later the reading came out, 8.6.

“Erm, so, what does that mean?” I asked stupidly.

“Well like I said, you have diabetes,” she replied, almost to the tune of ‘I told you so’.

“Do your parents have diabetes?”
“Yes”
“Do you pee a lot?”
“Yes”
“Do you feel thirsty most of the time?”
“Yes” Okay okay I get it!

She looked at me and said, “From now on you have to watch your sugar intake. Eat brown rice to replace normal rice. And brown bread as well. Bla bla, bla bla bla. Bla bla bla bla, bla bla. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Whatever she said after that did not register at all. I just wanted to get out from there.

I didn’t see that coming at all. Diabetes, who would have thought? But to be honest it didn’t bother me that much, not immediately anyway. I mean it’s only mild diabetes, not heart problem, not lungs, not kidney, not cancer. Just a stupid annoying diabetes. What harm can it cause? As long as I don’t get some serious cuts or injuries I should be fine.

However, it did hit me later, when I was at this mamak place having my usual late lunch. I ordered roti canai with susu lembu coffee. (Highly recommended, brew coffee with susu lembu at Kanna Curry House Jalan Gasing. Believe me, it’s awesome!). As soon as the mamak walked away after taking my orders, I realised I’m not supposed to order it. Because I’m diabetic. Because I’m sick. A sad sick 30 year old with diabetes.

I’m supposed to watch what I eat and drink now until the day I die, because diabetes does not disappear. Once you have it you will stuck with it forever. And the big sacrifice with food and drinks is not to cure it, it is only to contain it. Now that sucks!

I’m not even one who takes lots of sugar, who like excessive sweet stuff. I barely eat ice creams. Ice creams are evil and I stay away from it most of the time but how come I still have diabetes? Maybe somebody injected me with sugar every night when I am deep in my sleep because I really do not understand how my sugar level is high!

Stop having a drink at mamak? You must be joking.
Stop having my favorite 3 in 1 Nescafe? Hell must be freezing over.
Brown rice? You can bet your bottom ringgit that I won’t even touch it!

And the thought that depresses me the most is, if I have diabetes now, what will I get in 5 years time? 10 years? 20 years? What other diseases will I get because of this diabetes? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Can I still donate blood? If I go to the doctor because I have back ache, or dizziness, or even a simple flu or fever, do I have to tell the doctor straight away that I have diabetes? Does my insurance cover diabetic treatment?

I feel tired and sleepy most of the time, is that because I’m diabetic? (Actually, strike that off. I'm sure it's just because I'm a lazy bum)

Would my children get diabetes?

!!!!!

Huh, doctors, they are nothing but bearers of bad news!

Oh Yes!

Oh yes it is wonderful!
Oh yes it is beautiful!
Rainbows, roses, candies
Everything's absolutely dandy.

Of course it is bumpy!
Of course it is tricky!
All part of a greater plan
To get to ever after in the end.

Oh sure it is true
They said it, it must be true!
Oh sure quit worrying
Feel the love and you’ll be laughing!

Oh yes!
Oh sure!

Snap!
...oh crap!

White Flag 2

Uncertainties, life is full of those, isn’t it? We can plan everything right to the last details but in the end, more often than not, nothing goes to plan. Things will end differently, better or worse, they will be different.

Life, it is all about the uncertainties. I admit to that. Life is about taking the uncertainties as a challenge. I bow to that. Life is all about the sweat and the tears, along with the laughter. I applaud that. Life is all about the struggles, the comebacks, the strives. I understand that. Uncertainties are just a norm in life. I know that.

But not my life. No more uncertainties. I know where I’m heading and I don’t like it.

I had dreams not so long ago about how my life would be. Right now I only have nightmares. No, ‘nightmares’ is not the right word. Nightmares aren’t real. Nightmares are not based on real world. What I have now are pointy clues, based on facts, calculated with logic. And the facts are not good. The logic is not flattering.

Quite ironic really, I’ve spent a big chunk of my life being depressed because of the uncertainties, but right now it is the certainty that is killing me.

I’ve been told that I’m too negative, that I tend to over analysed. ‘Stop thinking too much’ & ‘stop being a miserable pessimist’. If I had a penny every time I heard that….

Those lips telling me I’m too negative, they know nothing about me, or they are just quite plainly wearing rose tinted glasses. If only they take the glasses off, they would see what I’m seeing. They would know the only reason I’m still here is because I’m too scared to take the other option. And they would see my future and they will never utter those words to me again.

Uncertainties used to scare me, now it is the certainty that is killing me. And finding the way out from something so certain is impossible.

Take the glasses off and you will see.




**DISCLAIMER - THIS ENTRY HAS NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE, DEAD OR ALIVE**

FAO Angel

I hear whispers, on every glorious morning
Like a promise in the book
In each and every tick of the clock
The rain is ready to wet the parade
No matter how bright the day I open my eyes to
Even with your sweet lips smiling
I will soon see it upside down

I don’t know how it started
Don’t know how it got so twisted
But I do know though clouded, it is real
Like a reflection on water, it is real
One day the questions will need answering
No more vague words, no more deceptive rhymes
Just cold hard facts stripped of excuses

Angel beware
Some sins just cannot be erased
Some dirt just won’t be scrubbed off
Some bend just cannot be straightened
Angel beware
This journey will go round and round
To the damned doom

Angle leave
For I have fallen in love with you

Honest To God

I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to
I even tried to convince myself
That I need to

I wish I could smile
And say with bright eyes
I can already taste ever after
With my arms wide open
This couldn’t get any better

But it is me with all my puzzles
That's what I write and scream about
All along all through out
The barrier of all barriers
It is me and me only

What can I do to stop the resentment
What more should I say to appease
When it is as crystal
The cure can be nothing else
Of which what was first asked

I guess I can only say
I’m sorry it has to be this way
That I understand it thoroughly
That I know all this will end
For I was in the same blurring shoes

I wish it will get simpler
I wish it will be clearer
I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to

Random Thoughts 5 - I Love My Country Edition

There are so many things happening to our beloved country right now. For the deluded type, let me make it clear to you. When I say ‘so many things’, I mean BAD things. BAD, TERRIBLE things. Bad things that make me wish we let the communist rule the country back then. Sigh.
But nevermind, like most Malaysian, I am ch…… wait, I have to rephrase that. Like most MALAYS, I am choosing to bury my head in the sand, pretending everything is ok, and occupying myself with my personal life instead. The love (Malays got to have love), the relationship, the tears, the DRAMAs (and Malays definitely need dramas!), I’m choosing all that over everything else because they are most convenient for me. Who cares about the rest of the things, right?


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Well well, it is almost that time of the year again. It is almost budget time, Belanjawan! I love Belanjawan. I used to follow the live telecast every year. Not anymore, because my favorite part of it has now gone. It was the part when Anwar introduces new words to the masses. It’s like he will say “Listen up peasants, from now on I want all of you to use the word ‘XXXX’ in every single cycle of your life. Why? Because I’m standing up here, and you peasants are way below down there, so you have to listen to me!”
Then all of us will clap our hands, praise him for his brilliance in shoving himself into our faces, then we laugh, then we praise him some more. Then the next morning, in every single newspaper, the words he chose for us got printed on every page, so we will never forget. Then everybody praises him and laugh some more.
Good old times, let's bring it back!


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1Malaysia – People first, Performance now!
Now where do I start?
Let me try to make it short and simple. I think 1Malaysia is a spectacular example of ‘one way re-branding / PR’ effort (Does that term exist?). I have never come across something that on the surface, and by ‘surface’ I mean the mainstream media, have no words except for lavish compliments towards it; but just underneath the surface, and by ‘underneath the surface’ I mean regular people on the street, have no words except for spiteful criticisms. How can anything be so contrasting, I do not know. Now I’m not against controlled and moderated media, in fact I’m a firm believer of it, but on this 1Malaysia deal, it is just super-zealously ridiculous. Thank God for the internet, if not I would come to the conclusion that 1Malaysia is perceived by the people of this country as the best thing since sliced bread.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ok, on to serious stuff now. Yesterday while driving back from work, I think I heard on the radio that the government is mulling over an increase of cigarettes tax by 20cents per stick. Or maybe someone suggested for the government to do that, but that’s not the point. The point is, increase of 20cents per stick?!!! Are you crazy? Our government might be evil, our government might be stupid, but I don’t think they are crazy. So most probably, I heard it wrong. I mean, it can’t be 20cents per stick! That’s RM4 increase! Yes, I definitely heard it wrong.
Anyway, when it comes to cigarettes price increase, it is not whether it will happen or not. It is inevitable, only a question of how much, because for Belanjawan, it comes with the territory. (I remember only once the price remained, and that only because the price was increased just before budget).
I’m still waiting for someone in the parliament, or anyone important for that matter, to stand up for the smokers. I want someone in the parliament to say out loud that smokers are the most marginalised group in the country. I’m still waiting for that special someone that can give smokers the respect they lost, the respect as a human being. If people can defend gays, can make sure drug addiction becomes safer, can say wearing tudung is not wajib, surely it won’t be too much to ask to do the same for smokers. Surely?


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Below is something I found on the net. Probably it is from a standup show from some angry funny guy. I just find it really interesting. So read on, especially all you non-smokers. This guy talks sense. I’d vote for him as our prime minister!

I smoke, if this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you. I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks. My biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong. How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready? NON-SMOKERS DIE EVERY DAY. Sleep tight. See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed." I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man.

Isn’t he fabulous? One of the great minds in our era for me!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Last but not least, I have a message for what it seems the most popular couple on the planet right now. In this age of time where people pretend to care about the environment, I suggest you two built a statue on every corner of the streets in this country. You know, so we can save a lot of pages in our newspapers from having to feature your pictures every single day (and by every single day I mean EVERY FREAKING SINGLE DAY!). I bet this way, in 365 days, we can manage to save more trees in our rainforest than our anti illegal logging enforcement team can in 3650 days.
You know it makes sense!

Cracked

Tell me what you see through your pretty eyes
Your honest unbiased, pretty eyes
As it’s hard for me to look past it all
The thick cloud hovering over my head
The layers of shadows blocking away the path

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel
To end my weak steps stumbling in the dark
Is there a rainbow waiting to guide me
To the precious pot you keep telling me about
I dare not conclude what my blind eyes is telling me

And what do you hear from all this violent vibe
With the endless chaos thundering threateningly
To me the rain only pours sombre reminder
Of what I am and where I’m going
A non-entity, to a place so empty nothing matters

Your accusing screams are drowning my calling
Should there be any at all, that is
In the middle of it all, trying hard as I can
I can only hear my heart being sliced to pieces
That accompanies the sharp pain I feel deep inside

Head down, I’m on my knees
With my fingers stuck in the mud
Believe me I’ve tried to stand up
Believe me I’ve tried to look up
But the shoulders are just too heavy
And the eyes are just too fiery

Doom merchant, naysayer?
To hell with you
It just doesn’t matter anymore

One Day / Satu Hari Nanti..

When I was a little boy, a sweet innocent optimist stupid little boy, I told everybody that one day I want to be an accountant. My Along was studying accountancy at that time so because I looked up to her, I wanted to follow her footsteps. At that time I remember thinking,

“Well why not, she is going to be one, and accountant sure sounds like fun. Counting money can’t be that hard. I mean how hard can it be, I can count to a million and more!”

Then of course I started learning the basics of accounting in Form 1 and got the shock of my life when I found out being an accountant was so much more than just counting money. I immediately fell out of love with it and almost flunked the paper in my SPM.

I also remember telling everyone, “One day I’m going to work in one of those high rise buildings, with big glass windows in my office so I have beautiful views and I can look out to the beautiful scenery whenever I feel the need to take a break.”
A bit of pointless wish and I think I managed that, but I stupidly let go of it.

When I was in ITM, still clueless about what I want to do (because I dumped the idea of being an accountant a few years before that), I jokingly told my friends, “Aku nak buat PR lah, and satu hari nanti aku nak buat PR untuk Siti Nurhaliza.”
Sigh, PR it is now, but not quite Siti Nurhaliza. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

I guess like every other person in this planet, I have said lots of ‘one day’ and ‘satu hari nanti’, especially as a little boy.

One day I will drive expensive fast car
One day I will own a nice cosy little house
One day I will travel all over the world
One day I will teach my kids to play tennis
One day people will name a street after me

Things looked so simple back then, so easy, so do-able. Well things don’t look so simple anymore. What was ‘one day’ back then, it’s ‘today’ or maybe even ‘yesterday’ right now. The ‘one days’ have passed. What I am now is what I will be in the future. No more potential, no more possibilities, no more growth.

Ok, I’m not dying from any disease (not that I know of anyway) and I’m not OLD old, so I admit maybe it’s premature to say all these things. But being realistic, I can’t see any of my boyhood’s ‘one days’ happening at all. At my stage of life right now, there should at the very least some signs that point out I’m heading in the right direction. Unfortunately I can’t see any signs at all. I don’t even have a proper job!

I’m not being negative, I’m not being pessimistic and I’m not being a drama queen. I’m just being honest and maybe a little bit blunt. Anyone who says ‘Don’t worry things will fall into places soon’ or anything like that, is either trying foolishly to be nice or just plain simple deluded. So for anyone who pins their hope to me for whatever reason, stop kidding yourself.

What you see is what you get. Maybe even less.

Scary thought.

Whatever!

Patches

The night is hitting the dawn
And I just said I love you
To a girl I’m not in love with
To a girl I might even hate
All because I have the time
And she has the freedom

Told her to put the glass down
‘Cause in killing the mess
She is killing the sweetness
Though I know fully well
There is nothing sweet at all
In something so tragically fake

I’m seeing through it all now
I’m seeing past all the shows
All the tears all the dramas
The ‘look at me but stay away’ plea
The desperate loony in her thinking
Tragedies make life interesting

But all that are too late
For I still wish I can do more for her
I still wish I can rebuild the world
So it won’t hurt her anymore
I wish I have it in me to take her
To where her heart can smile again

And I still think we can heal each other
Help steer each other’s path ahead
Safely away from the threatening storm
I still think we’ll be happy together
That we will be lovely together
Simple, brilliant, perfect together

The day is hitting the dusk
And I just said I love you
To a girl I’m not in love with
To a girl I might even hate
Probably because I have the time
While she has the freedom

A Man Called Ma

Some saw him as evil. Some said he was sadistic. Some thought he was nothing but a bully. Most of the time he was so mean and cold, and my best friend absolutely hated him. However, there were some who told me he was a great friend. Many more acknowledged his brilliance in his work. As for me, until today, I still cannot make up my mind on how I feel about him.

A hard man to please, he set a high standard for his staff to follow and demanded ridiculous amount of effort to make sure everything goes to plan. One thing I can say, he was certainly full of character.

He was my boss at my previous job. The latest happenings in my current work place, coupled with a quick look at my life right now brings my memory back to him. I see my relationship with him as quite strange. On the surface, I didn’t like him too much and he didn’t seem to like me too much either. However, and I don’t know if I am just imagining it, I felt that he for some reason genuinely really wanted to mould and guide me in my work, in his own sadistic and mean way of course. I’m not saying the normal guidance a superior gives to his staff. I think it was more than that.

I don’t really have any incidents to share to show why I feel the way I feel. There were a few incidents of course, but I can only vaguely recall them. They will mean nothing if I try to tell it here.

But one of the few things that I do remember was that one of the highest compliments I got for my writing was from him. He very rarely complimented anyone personally and directly, and true to form (and ironically as well), I got that compliment from him when he berated me about my work, about a newsletter I wrote. He clearly wasn’t happy with it and while shaking his head with angry face, he said, “Hazri, when you are good, you are really good. But when you are bad, you are really bad. I have no time for work like this.” He then proceeded to strike off the newsletter I printed with his red pen, jotted down a few pointers and asked me to re-do it.

Forgive me when what he said there made me feel like I was floating. Forgive me because I only focus on ‘when you’re good…” part and completely ignoring the “when you’re bad…” part, because coming from him, that was as big a compliment as it gets.

Another incident I had with him, which I don’t think I will ever forget, was during my appraisal. At that time I was a real mess. Work pressure and the pressure from being in a relationship with a ridiculously demanding girlfriend really got to me. My work suffered, badly. And I guess he saw that. And what made it worst was my contract was almost finished. With my bad work performance, plus the restructuring of my department that was happening then, I expected my contract to not be renewed. Hell, I myself won’t even renew my contract! I was that bad!

So I filled my appraisal form as honest as I can and in the end I can only gave myself a ‘3C’, with the worst possible rating a ‘4D’. ‘3C’ was a big decrease from my previous agreed rating, a ‘2B’. At first I wanted to change it so it can at least hit ‘3B’ but because I just couldn’t care less at that time, I just let it be.

So when my turn came to face him for the appraisal, I did so emotionless, like a zombie. I sat in front of him, passed him my completed appraisal form and sat quietly while waiting for him to go through it. I fully expected an earful lecture from him about how my performance dipped terribly. About how I’m not meeting his lowest acceptable standard. But to my astonishment, he suddenly burst into a big laugh.

“3C huh? I couldn’t agree more!” he said.

Then, to my bigger astonishment, he put the form aside and asked me, “Hazri, kenapa you ni?”

He looked me straight into my eyes and told me to forget about the appraisal.

“Let’s talk about you,” he said. “Do you have anything to let me know?”

Still astonished, I kept seating in my seat quietly, motionless, meeting his eyes with a blank stare.

Seeing that I’m not saying anything, he said, “Ok then, let me do the talking. You listen to me and listen well!”

So off he went. He told me about getting my priorities right. About doing things at the rate that I can handle. Do not rush things. Think about what I want. Know what I want. Don’t bite more than I can chew.

I remember seating there, horrified, because I knew exactly what he was saying and where he was going. He was talking about my personal relationship. He was telling me that he can see how I was suffering, how my relationship with my girlfriend was killing me and everyone in the office can see it! I was so embarrassed, I felt so pathetic. I never thought anyone could tell that I was suffering.

He continued on talking until he told me about how he made his choice (he didn’t elaborate on what exactly the choice was), about making sacrifice and how his ex girlfriend was not happy about the choice he made. Then he stopped and let a loud sigh out. That part about his girlfriend was a slipped, that was clear. But whether the slipped was because he didn’t mean to let anyone know about his past experience with his girlfriend; or because he didn’t plan to use the word ‘girlfriend’, in fear I would think he crossed the line by intruding into my private life, I’m not sure. But what he said next, almost made my tears flowed out.

“Listen to me Hazri, take it from me who has been through all this before. Trust me, this is not that difficult. This is not that complicated. You might think that it is now, but later in life you will see it differently. All you have to do is make your choice now. Make a firm choice. Think this through. Decide what your priorities are. Delay things that you can delay for now. Forget about other people, think of yourself first.”

“Don’t worry about your contract. I’m offering you a new one. I want you to stay but you will have to improve from here. And go fill a new form. Make it a 3B…. Ok we are done here.”

With that, I quickly got up and walked out from his room. I didn’t want him to see me cry…

Fast forwarded a couple of months later, my girlfriend became my ex, my work suffered even more, I looked terrible all the time, and my boss disappointment in me hit an all time high.

And one night, staying back to finish a newsletter, I said fuck off to his face.

Long story short, it was approaching 10pm, I’ve done a newsletter but I had to wait for him to come back to office so he can approve it that night, because the newsletter needed to go out first thing the next morning.

And he was being his normal ass self, making me wait for so long that night just to wait for his approval. And when he came back to the office, he ridiculed my work (which was so clearly unjustified because I did well, but I’m not getting into it right now), and ask me to re-do it. That’s when I said, “Fuck off, I’m sorry but my brain is not working tonight.” Then I stormed out.

The next morning, I gave him my resignation letter.

He might think I resigned because of what happened the previous night, because we never talked about it. But the truth is, I’ve planned to resign on that day two weeks earlier. I have even sought advice on resigning from my HR friend earlier than that, and he told me to resign on that day. It got nothing to do with the ‘fuck off’ incident. But I bet until today my boss still thinks I resigned because of it.

So those were my experiences with him. Maybe I could’ve gone into more details, especially about the ‘fuck off’ and the resigning bit but writing this is really draining my energy out and I’m so tired right now. Maybe I’ll add more on those bits later. For now, I just hope in reading this, no one will jump to a conclusion on who was right who was wrong. That’s not my intention in writing this. I just want to share my experiences that I had with him because my current work situation is making my mind going back to all this.

I said earlier that I still couldn’t make my mind up on what I think of him, but that is not important. Whatever he was, there is no denying that a large chunk of what I know about my job today came from him. I met him when I was zero, he gave me a chance, I took it and I learned a lot. So for that, I thank you, Mr Ma. I hope I will be able to apply the lessons about work and life that I got from you better. I hope I will not let it go to waste.

Thank you for everything...

Hey, How Are You?

It’s hard to go on when deep down you feel the same ache for years. It’s not a pain anymore, it’s an ache. An ache derived from many things, but born from the same source, hopelessness.

I’ve felt it for so long that I don’t even have the energy to talk about it anymore. No point. When I am seen, I smile, I laugh and I talk about my plans tomorrow. I tell them what I want to do, what I want to get, and where I want to go. And while all that, smiling and telling them my plans, I feel the ache so deep inside that it won’t and it can’t reflect through my expressions any longer. My smiles are genuine. When I laugh I’m not faking it. But the smiles and laugh are entangled with the ache. I can smile and laugh all I want but they will never be enough to lessen the ache.

When I am not seen, when I am all alone, I still laugh and I still smile. But they are directed to myself, at how I am now. And the ache remains there. I can’t even get down on my knees with head in hands, crying my heart out, without feeling I have no right to all that anymore. That I’m just bullshitting myself.

So this, what I’m doing now is the only thing I can think of that can cushioned the hit from the ache. I’ve written a lot of things that I can’t get myself to actually put it out, because they are too blunt and they will come across as too dramatic. But in this one I hope I managed to pour out how I really feel without the drama. I’m not asking for sympathy from anyone. I’m not even asking for help. I just need to let it out so I will be understood, and not be looked upon strangely. I just need to let it out and I like to think of this blog as my amnesty, no matter what I say.

Anyway, I’m writing this because today I was asked “Hey, how are you?”. The genuine ‘how are you’, from a friend who I talk to (chat with) everyday. To a friend that I tell all my problems and feelings to (well most of it anyway).

I was told that I didn’t sound too good, and this was through a chat session. I don’t sound too good from a chat. “What’s wrong,” she asked. Out of the blue, when we were chatting normally, while she was telling me about her work, while I was trying to help her with her work. I could’ve sworn I was being my normal self. Not even once I complaint or whine about anything but still she said I didn’t sound too good. Still, out of the blue, in the middle of our conversation about her report she has to do, she asked “Hey, how are you?”.

I guess what I’m trying to do here is to thank her for asking me the simple yet heartfelt question, and at the same time I’m trying to answer her because I didn’t say much when she asked me . I appreciate it very much and it did make me feel better.

So the next time you ask someone 'how are you', mean it, because it can really make a difference.

Deserted

Allow me to hope
You will be in my dreams
As my reality is taboo to you
You are becoming elusive
When once I had you
Firmly in my grips

If I’m allowed one question
Why are you staying away
Even on my sunniest of days
I resent seeing you with them
While I’m standing on the side
Struggling with the tide

I cannot go on without you
All I’m asking for are moments
Not eternity, not without ends
How can you be there for them
Even when they are crying
Yet not me, even when I’m laughing

So allow me to hope
You will be in my dreams
As my reality is taboo to you
And if it's not too big a dream
One day I’ll have you again
Firmly in my grasp.

Filtering Idiocy

So, porn filter for our internet huh? Should I cry, or should I applaud it? It seems that many, many people are against it. They have their reasons of course and one of the reasons (the most valid reason imho) is because they fear the government would use the filtering for more than just porn. DS Dr Rais Yatim swiftly responded by giving assurance that the filtering will strictly be for porn, and porn only.

Now if we leave it at that, then we will all live happily ever after. Our children (ehem) will be safe and guarded from the bad influence that is porn. We will be free from pornographic culture, say DS Dr Rais Yatim. The problem is though, not many people will leave it at that, because the problem here is about trust. People do not trust government anymore. Whatever they do or say will be met with skeptical feedback. In this case, even though DS Dr Rais Yatim has given his assurance, people still think government will use the filtering system to suffocate everyone and everything that is against government. This is what I feel the government just doesn’t get. The trust is gone, completely! The sooner they realise this the better. The sooner they realise it, the sooner they can fix the dwindling support they receive. Maybe then they will stop losing elections.

Anyway, I’m not going to talk about our government here. And I’m not going to talk about the filtering plan. Instead, I’m going to talk about getting your message across without losing your class and without losing respect. See below.



Now if you need pointing out, I have a problem, a very big problem, with minute 2.10 until 2.45.

What in the world is that? Seriously, what in the world is that?

I am a supporter of the government. It pains me to see DS Anwar Ibrahim getting so much support. It pains me to see how it is fashionable to hate government now. You want to be cool, you support DS Anwar. That’s how bad things are right now.

And I’m a supporter of our national language, Bahasa Melayu (or is it Bahasa Malaysia? Sort it out DBP, and stick with it. Don’t keep changing it!) If you don’t believe me, ask my friends. Ask my family. Some of them will even tell you I’m a nationalist! And read one of my postings, Random Thoughts. Trust me, I’m very unhappy with the status of our national language now.

So I am not being a one eyed biased opposition when I feel he was way out of order there. He has a point, I couldn’t agree with him more. My problem is with his arrogant, classless approach to it.

I just cannot understand why he chose to be so arrogant. His facial expression, the look of disgust. The “Where were you educated?” question. The way he ridiculed the reporter by mimicking ‘mat saleh slang’. Absolutely no need for all that. Couldn’t he just tell the reporter in a polite but firm way to speak in Bahasa? He is after all our current Information, Communications, Culture and Arts Minister. He should at the very least know how not to look like a twat in a press conference.

Now I understand he might hold Bahasa very close to his heart and because of that he reacted emotionally and irrationally. He was one of the very vocal voices that didn’t agree with PPSMI and I respect him for that. So I’m guessing here he wants what is best for Bahasa. But pushing people away is not the way. Making people hate you is not that way. How will people listen to you if they hate you? It's common sense. You can be firm and classy at the same time. In that press conference he was so classless I'm actually ashamed to admit I see him as the better leaders out there.

I have said it many times, too many people talk about ‘English’ but no one talks about ‘Bahasa’. Bahasa is being (deliberately?) left to die. It’s getting worse and worse but still no one talks about the need to revive Bahasa. No one talks about the need to give back the respect that Bahasa deserves. So if DS Dr Rais Yatim really cares about it, he needs to do something about this. He is one of the senior, more respected figure in our government, surely he can act on it. Acting the big man like he did in that press conference won’t do any good.

So what can anyone do for a dying language that many claimed to have no relevance in the world today? I admit it is a difficult subject to get into. But no pain no gain right? I was told that foreigners who want to work in Sweden must enroll in Swedish class (or is it applicants for citizenship?). It is the law there. Honestly I don’t know how it is with us here but I bet we don’t have any laws or rules similar to that. (If I’m wrong I stand corrected).

I’m sure there are other ways that we can use to revive Bahasa. And I’m sure our smart leaders can think of the ways, if they put their efforts in. To be or not to be, that’s how I see it.

I don’t expect miracles in all this but I want to at least see some one who matters, in our world class government, to start making noises about Bahasa, not just English.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Love Poetry

Sometimes you are the definition of simplicities,
To think what I write is my exact reflection,
When my little fingers tapping the keys,
Often only to fill the void, as a relaxation.

Now you don’t always get it wrong,
As your hunch can be eerily accurate,
But in this you can’t possibly be more wrong,
Because they are just made ups, things I create.

So say it no matter how many times,
You can spin it in any ways you want,
Point your fingers to me until they are numb,
The fact is I’m just having a bit of fun.

And just to prove that I’m right.
I’m not going to write her love poetry,
Not now, not this time, not tonight,
Simply because you expect me to, sweetie.

I’m not going to write her love poetry,
‘Cause you want me to,
As you expect me to..
:p

Inspired by 'Love Song', Sara Bareilles...

Endless

*To fully appreciate this poem, read it to the tune of the song that kids sing when they are playing jump rope or something like that. I hope you know what I mean...

Round and round and round it goes,
How it will end well no one knows,
Bigger higher deeper it grows,
Stronger and faster down to the toes.

Been holding on to what they told me,
Keep believing and surely you’ll see,
Nothing to worry it will be easy.
Hold your ground and don’t act silly.

So wait and wait and wait I did,
Head down brave face gritted teeth,
Smiling laughing full of wit,
But in the night is when it hits.

Deep in the night it hits me in waves,
The tide that swept me to the edge of the grave,
And deep in the night I’m nothing but a slave,
Of my own memories that I once craved.

But humbly still I wait and wait,
And humbly still I’m keeping the faith,
One day all will be fully paid,
Like they told me like they said.

Round and round and round it goes,
When it will end well I don’t know…

50 Questions

Shamelessly stolen from Reading Ayu...

1.Your name spelled backwards.

Irzah. Pretty name. I’m still working on getting my friends to name their daughters that.

2. Where were your parents born?
Don’t know. I don’t know anything about my parents. How old they are, the year they got married, etc2. I should get an award for being the most useless son ever.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Mariah Carey’s Butterfly. The best album ever. Brings back the memory.

4. What's your favourite restaurant?
Don’t know. I don’t think I have one. KFC maybe… Shut up!

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
3-4 years back maybe? Bad news for all you girls out there, I may never again swim in a pool.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yes, in this slapstick Ultraman play. Do you know the version of Ultraman where it needs a guy and a girl to combine to become one? That was me! Err, as the guy I mean, not the girl.

7. How many kids do you want?
Two. A boy and a girl.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Dangdut. Funnily enough I recently referred to my style of writing as ‘the dangdut of writing’.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes. Voted for the opposition even though I’m a supporter of the government.

10. Are you homesick?
I wish. Trust me, I wish I am. :-(

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Now why would I want to do that?

12. Ever prank call anybody?
Stop giving me ideas!

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Yes, and I ain’t paying.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Only if my life depends on it.

15. Furthest place you ever travelled?
Anfield. On a big European night, with the Kop going all out with the flag day (through the idiot box of course).

16. Do you have a garden?
I used to have one of those little cacti in the little pot. Does that count?

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Calvin & Hobbes, Baby Blues, Dilbert.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
I even know Rukun Negara, Negeri Sembilan anthem and that ‘Setia’ song.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, morning and night, all the time. Because I'm lazy.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I love you man.

21. Favorite pizza topping?
I don’t know. But I sure don’t like the Tandoori topping. Ridiculous.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Popcorn.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Err… This is what I get for answering 'chicks' questions.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
I didn’t even know it was possible.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
I’ve been in a ‘Pakaian Beragam’ contest while in kindergarten, dressed as a baby. Complete with botol susu and puting. I lost. Stupid judges.

26. Orange or Apple juice?
Apple I guess.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
With my friend from Subang. Dinner at uptown SA.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Snickers. By far!

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
The last election.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
How about never?

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes. My biggest trophy (literally) has got to be the one I won in my school tennis tournament. It was only a school tournament, but my god our coach really like to glamorise us, hence the very huge inappropriate trophy.

32. Are you a good cook?
I roasted grasshoppers a few times when I was a kid. Then I fed them to the ants. I guess the ants would say I was a good cook.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Yes. It’s not rocket science.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
I think I ordered one thing for my mum. Can’t remember what it was.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
Are there any difference?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
No. But I have a friend who does. Loser!

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
A brush you use for showering. A God sent!

38. Ever throw up in public?
Yes, when I was a kid. Think I get car sick back then.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Millionaire. Then I can buy love. Who cares if it’s true love or not.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, but I also believe in Santa Claus.

41. Ever call a 1-800 number?
Hmm, I don’t think so..

42. Can exes be friends?
Why? We should all want our exes to die horrible deaths.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Thankfully a friend who gave birth.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I’ll ask my mum later.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
Standard message that the telco provides. I have stupid voice. And I can't pronounce words properly. Instead of leaving messages people would just laugh.

46. What's your all time favourite cartoon character?
Homer J Simpson – “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems”.

47. What was the name of your first pet?
I never named my pets.

48. What is in your purse?
I don’t have a purse thankfully.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
You don’t wanna know.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That I can still ‘feel’. Seriously, I’m grateful for that. That's what I prayed for a few years back and now I 'feel', full blast!

My Life

My life,
It doesn’t have a sweet voice narrating it
No loud trumpets announcing victories
No gloomy days accompanying my tears.

My dreams,
They are filled with your faces
When the lids are closed I can hear you clearly
In every motion, in every emotion.

My wants,
A constant struggle against what I need
Greedily trying to grasp too much wrong
When I can’t even grab the simplest of right.

My words,
No more than just worthless broken records
I continue asking all the wrong questions
While scouring for the right answers.

My vengeance,
It’s spreading wider than I dare to admit
Like a time bomb dangerously ticking away
With only a few more seconds to spare.

My sanity,
It has been tested ever so vigorously
With every calamity a piece is taken away
While no rapture can mend it back together.

My Life,
A sorry reminder of the power above.