How Many Times Can A Heart Breaks

At first in my mind it plays so simple,

I love you and you love me, that’s it, so simple,

The secrecy and the jealousy, they are bearable,

For you and me together, a bliss in a bubble.

Waiting for the safe window deep in the night, 

Sleep turns secondary resting eyes just a slight, 

While the world in a slumber we are fresh and bright, 

Beaming and glowing, you my princess are always a delight. 

When it’s our time, seems like no one else matters, 

That one other in our love equation is a non-factor, 

Like a silent letter, it’s there but no one bothers, 

And our love ecstasy keeps getting bigger and deeper. 

But then reality sets in, sense sets in, 

And then that non-factor, factors in, 

The rapture turns ache painfully deep within, 

A concern in particular keeps peeking in. 

How many times can a heart breaks? 

How much more sorrow can my heart takes? 

Do we not realise what is at stake? 

Mustn't we muster the courage to hit the brakes? 

I love you princess then and now my feelings are true, 

Truly convinced it should have been me and you, 

With certainty I knew, they were not mere clues, 

Ever after was waiting for us, just me and you. 

Sadly now, our paths are just too far apart to come together, 

The first time you so abruptly left our fate expires, 

Our time has passed, however strong our feelings they no longer matter, 

Alone, again I’ll be left to pick up the pieces that you shatter. 

Just how many times can a heart breaks? 

Forgive me Eyg, I no longer have what it takes, to find out..

End

I don’t know how to tell a story
The way you would want me too
The point would be blurry
No matter how I try to get it through

It won’t lift you up
When the chips are down
It won’t even take you to the path
Where you can stand on the solid ground

I don’t know how to make it interesting
Or to make you cry or even laugh
It will only leave you plotting
Your escape route no matter how tough

Like what you are doing right now..

Yesterday you were there
Smiling that smile so sweet
And love grew struck and hit
And looking down to my feet
Oh yes I was floating

But that was yesterday
Today couldn’t have been further away
Today I wish I had convinced you to stay
Just like the very first time
I’m missing you every single tick of the day

Now I see my own shadows
Sticking with me, without fail it follows
And here I am feeling so low
As the time move ever so slowly
My heart feels hollow

My time is over

Sayang Bertatih

Manis selindung gadis pilihan
Hati berkenan bersulam sayang
Badai ditepis jadi bayuan
Kerana ikhlas bukan kepalang

Ombak beralun menghempas pantai
Perahu dilanda tetap berkayuh
Bukan tiada basah di lantai
Berlapik langkah sayang menyuluh

Bertapis hama mencari padi
Berkais tanah mencari permata
Berbuai kasih cinta bernadi
Berdetik indah senada serata

Terjatuh sudah lari pun sudah
Memimpin duka mencapai bahagia
Tiada lagi yang perlu dimadah
Tinggal menyimpul ikatan selamanya


*If you think this pantun doesn't mean anything then you are not bright enough. If it does mean something then I'm a super genius*

Blank Pages

Blank pages are all you have
With time is something you don’t
So pinch harder and stay awake
No caring arms will wrap your shoulder

What’s the point of having a point
When the point is often not what it should be
And sadly the point doesn’t matter anymore
Not when the pages are still blatantly empty

A cruel, cruel world it has always been said
Unforgiving, mean and harsh all the same
Sadly still understanding that won’t help you
To fill up the blanks on the pages in front of you

No point is worth those blank pages
No point is worth draining your time
With the blanks getting louder and bolder
No point is worth your screams and cries

Whatever it takes just fill the pages
Go ahead, kick and scream until it's beaten
And whatever it takes push those arms away
If they pretend to care all of sudden

So pinch harder and stay awake
Remember no caring arms will wrap your shoulders
Remember time is something you do not have
Remember no point is worth all the troubles

Don’t know how I get to this point really
And still the pages are blatantly empty

Little Grasshopper

Little grasshopper gives lesson
Hopping here and there in no time at all
Good or bad he keeps on hopping
Without hesitation avoiding the fall

Little grasshopper won’t stay long
Guess he feels too long brings harm
Conscience is clear though he may be wrong
He fears overstaying his welcome

He probably does what he is supposed to
Hopping on the tall green grass for reasons not clear
He probably does it really good too
But overstaying his welcome will only bring tears

Sometimes he gets cozy and wants to linger
Staying on the tall green grass is what he wants
At the same time he can’t help but wonder
Why the tall green grass keeps bowing down

Little grasshopper needs to keep hopping on
As it’s clear he’s weighing the grass down
He hops off the grass for one last time
Straight on to the bare dusty ground

Maybe he’ll be back on the tall green grass
Maybe he will stay on the bare dusty ground
Whichever way he will keep hoping on
As overstaying his welcome will only bring harm

Overflowing

Perplexed
Sometimes that is how I feel
With all the sugary in front of you
You choose me instead

Overwhelming
Never have I dared to dream
Nor have I dared to wish for all this
I’m loving this feeling

To think that all this are for real
With you, I surrender myself
My love, my heart, my soul
My life, everything is for you

With you, my fears disappear
With you, the mountains are just a climb up
Even the dampening rain brings warmth
With you, I see roses without thorns

I’m committed
For life..

Zero

It’s a scary world out there
Sometimes too scary all I wanted to do is sleep
Because in my sleep everything I see is not real
Reality can’t compare to my dreams
Or my nightmares

I never cared much for anything
Greed they say is what brings all the troubles
Shrugging your shoulders ought to shield you from the pain
I guess that’s my way of staying safe
Or so I thought I’d be safe

It’s not your fault
The only thing you did wrong was to find me
As all this would have been a nothing
Nothingness can’t hurt you the way you are hurting right now
It wouldn’t beat you up silly

But there is no honour in nothingness
So we take the risk of taking the risk
Pushing aside our fears with the hope everything will be fine
Battling our fears that keep going in circle
Round and round

And it just never ends
And it just can’t go back to that point we wish it to be
Once it is gone it will never come back
Harsh it may seem but that’s the way it is
How wonderful if we could put a stop to it

I am hurting right now
If not worse probably just as much as you are
In my dreams it has never drifted to this
The point where I need to stop dragging my feet
And be face to face with reality

You

Are you dead
Or are you just disappointed with yourself
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Let me do that for you

Don’t you start pointing your finger
You should point your brain instead
To the right direction so you can see
How you mess everything up by being you

Cry cry cry
Apologies with that sad face of yours
Let the tears flow some more
Let’s do it over and over because it’s great fun

Am I being hard enough
Snigger, we both know it will never be enough
Not with you as you’re truly special
A mythical breed with legendary stories

Again, am I being hard enough
You like to rip into people right
So for sure you can take your own ripping
You can give some surely you can take some

Have a look back
See how many moments you’ve wasted
And try to guess how many moments I let it go
Perhaps you’ll understand how I’m feeling

Said it before
Now I’m saying it again
Once the headache gets too much
I’ll happily walk away

For the last time
Am I being too hard
I’ll probably regret this tomorrow
But at least I get to say this out loud

Okay, now you can go cry some more
And no, I’ll never take this down

Roses Oh Roses

Roses oh roses why are you so senseless
Isn’t it enough to be what you already are
Why do you need to shove yourself to everyone’s noses
Why do you demand to be adored by everyone near and far

Roses oh roses why are you so annoying
You’re already red, pink, white and yellow
Now you want to be blue and black and I bet you’re wishing
To have rainbow coloured leaves that can also glow

Roses oh roses enough is enough
It’s ok to be proud of yourself but don’t be a snob
You better stop it now before I turn rough
Burn all of your petals and hand you over to the angry mob

Inside A Mug

Pick me up with your spoon because right now I feel so small
With all the riches in my life at the moment everything still seem so tall
Burning in the boiling water I keep telling myself to grow some balls
But I keep on running into dead ends and bumping into porcelain wall

Yeah yeah I know you have grown tired listening to all this
You would rather hear me say ‘it’s rosy let’s have some more of that kiss’
But I can’t help it if my life feels like a death sentence from the beast
At times the pain is so real it doesn't matter how hard I hold my fist

I’m at the point where I no longer bother to ask why
It’s easier to fake ignorance than to break fingers digging up the root and cry
Because as soon as the tears stop flowing and I wipe my eyes dry
I’ll be back laughing with my forsaken soul on the same pathetic high

31 years and still all I can see is only the light at the end of the tunnel
Like a never ending journey through a never ending murky canal
Don’t you dare telling me to get some perspective from the stories of them all
No chicken soup nonsense can ease the bulging ache inside from all the wobbles

Now I do understand I always come out looking like a whiny princess
A weak brat who cries like a sissy when things don’t fall into their places
But I know what I’m doing and trust me I’m not being an ungrateful jackass
This is just to let it all out so I can release all the bottled restlessness

So get lost and save your lecture because I know my life sucks
I’ve been lucky all my life and now it looks like I’m running out of luck
Looking to the past present and future I feel like a tiny hopeless little bug
Just waiting for the time, drowning and dying inside a mug




I have got to stop listening to Eminem!

The Night I Offended 'Fate'

How are you doing right now
Have you found someone new or are you still trying
Pity you can’t see the new me laughing out loud
After that lovely night I haven’t even stopped smiling

I actually saw you in my dream recently
You were walking alone aimlessly
Wet from the rain, angry for being lonely
And I just couldn’t help from smirking, forgive me

Still don’t feel too bad though
You made me believe for so long that I was doomed
Pat yourself in the back as you very well know
You did great in turning me into a gloomy loon

But that’s all in the past now isn’t it
That night I found the guts to give you the finger
Was the night my clouded self can finally see it
You were never mine, and you’re not going to be my future

You know the night I’m talking about right
Remember, I suddenly found the courage, out of the blue
Just to tell her I love her, just to tell her that I lied
And how I’ve been denying my true feelings because of you

Thought of life without her freed me from your squeeze
And now, not just I know that you’re not mine
I can even see you’re not what you want me to believe
You are not my life path, and you’re far from being divine

That night she rescued me from you
Was the night she knocked some sense in me too
So I could wave good bye, so I could risk offending you
And that night I offended you, was me taking a forward step or two

I am never going back to you
Because I refuse to believe my destiny is anything like you
I will forever remember that night I offended you
And how she gave me a reason to walk away from you.

7th In The 10th

So here I am seventh in the tenth
Unchanged even it’s the third and second
Self pity’s still without the end
Temper still lacking the medicine
What could it be that keep on pressing
The more I learn the more it’s confusing
Like my mind is inside a coffin
Dark, thick, rough and suffocating

Do I know why do I know how
No need to mull over no need to scout
'Cause I do know why and I do know how
Clear as crystal in my head so loud
To do and to be is all that’s left now
Screw everything, realize my unkept vows
Follow the straight line, no bend and foul
But I stay rooted still, like a silly cow

Perhaps I feel time is on my side
Enough is not enough still plenty to bite
Sun’s still shinning with no sign of the night
This is awful I know but I have tried
Despite strangely looking at myself in spite
I can feel superior, a feeling I try to hide
So what am I to do except keeping it tight
Pray for the light and keep up the fight

It should be easier now since I’ve found her
Still the fight will go on and I will try harder
The pain won’t matter, I’ll keep going forever
For as long as I have my love for her.

*I just want to rhyme, and this is inspired by the Marshall..

Meaningless

We will never tire of asking why
Looking around us trying to make sense of it all
And sometimes tracing our steps back
We got dead lost, lost sight of what’s ahead

Often the tears that we dropped
They all seem in vain; useless and wasteful
The tears might as well have been blood
And still we are nowhere, only grasping at thin air

Ever so gloom we try to look forward
Ever so hard we try to force a smile out
Back and forth between the memory and the present
Suddenly we find we are stuck in the middle

Now I’m not going to pretend I know exactly how you feel
But I can see you are confusing desperation with moving on
That feeling when you feel you’re in too deep
Impossible to crawl yourself up to the surface again

I am crying for you
With the cut deep inside I do feel for you
But between my issues and my life path
The limit is reached, however pathetic it is

So keep on walking your steps
Backward or forward it won’t make a difference
Because that day you heart broke a million pieces
Was the last time you will ever feel complete

It’s not supposed to be understood right?
Don’t worry, I understand that now

Fragile

Oh how it hurts when the hurt came from your love
And how insulting when after all these years,
the scar still remains
While the hurt flows deep in you,
in your vein.

With the hurt in your blood you see nothing but blood
With your pride destroyed you feel worthless,
and deeply bitter
So you push away the warmth,
shutting it out.

An eye for an eye although they are innocent eyes
Either from your black heart or clouded mind,
it’s now blatant
You are still being tightly chained
Still being owned

And how damning when you realised the damning truth
When the blame you so eagerly pointed away,
it's equally yours
With that realisation you are resigned
to a lifetime of punishment

What a pity,
How a life can be destroyed so easily.

Before (Orient Time)

It puzzles me how I’m ok with this emptiness
Been dreading it, worrying and stressing out
But when the day arrived, nothing
Like it has always been that way

I do not want this emptiness
I do not want to lose that smiling lips
The bright eyes and the childish charm
The warmth of the assuring presence

But I’m ok without it, not even a nightmare
To mark my longing for the emptiness to be filled again
To hear the sweet voice, the giggles
And that childish charm, a charm to die for

Maybe it’s too short, as it is too short
Five pairs of the sun and the moon
Maybe it is the promise that it will continue
After the cold is replaced by the familiar rain and shine

Maybe it is, but the truth is still a mystery
And I want to not be able to live without it

It Is You

So it is you
Back and forth, up and down
And now it is sewn
It is you
And suddenly the sun is shining again

The big tall walls
I was trapped, cowed really
But now I am free
No more walls
I’m running happily with you by my side

But really
Was there ever any doubt
From the very first question
‘You like Italian football?’
To the scary almost tragedy
What a waste those two RM50 notes were

And on to the RM4
That talk, do you remember?
The sms that followed not long after
‘So tell me am I leaving you again’
Broke my heart that did
Until that call, ‘Hey I can only talk to you about this’

You might snigger hearing this
But there was never any doubt
Deep down I knew I saw I felt
Yet sometimes stupidity knows no boundaries
Oh how stupid I was
For that I owe you a lifetime of bliss

Everything I wanted and more
That is you

Oh Yes!

Oh yes it is wonderful!
Oh yes it is beautiful!
Rainbows, roses, candies
Everything's absolutely dandy.

Of course it is bumpy!
Of course it is tricky!
All part of a greater plan
To get to ever after in the end.

Oh sure it is true
They said it, it must be true!
Oh sure quit worrying
Feel the love and you’ll be laughing!

Oh yes!
Oh sure!

Snap!
...oh crap!

FAO Angel

I hear whispers, on every glorious morning
Like a promise in the book
In each and every tick of the clock
The rain is ready to wet the parade
No matter how bright the day I open my eyes to
Even with your sweet lips smiling
I will soon see it upside down

I don’t know how it started
Don’t know how it got so twisted
But I do know though clouded, it is real
Like a reflection on water, it is real
One day the questions will need answering
No more vague words, no more deceptive rhymes
Just cold hard facts stripped of excuses

Angel beware
Some sins just cannot be erased
Some dirt just won’t be scrubbed off
Some bend just cannot be straightened
Angel beware
This journey will go round and round
To the damned doom

Angle leave
For I have fallen in love with you

Honest To God

I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to
I even tried to convince myself
That I need to

I wish I could smile
And say with bright eyes
I can already taste ever after
With my arms wide open
This couldn’t get any better

But it is me with all my puzzles
That's what I write and scream about
All along all through out
The barrier of all barriers
It is me and me only

What can I do to stop the resentment
What more should I say to appease
When it is as crystal
The cure can be nothing else
Of which what was first asked

I guess I can only say
I’m sorry it has to be this way
That I understand it thoroughly
That I know all this will end
For I was in the same blurring shoes

I wish it will get simpler
I wish it will be clearer
I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to

Cracked

Tell me what you see through your pretty eyes
Your honest unbiased, pretty eyes
As it’s hard for me to look past it all
The thick cloud hovering over my head
The layers of shadows blocking away the path

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel
To end my weak steps stumbling in the dark
Is there a rainbow waiting to guide me
To the precious pot you keep telling me about
I dare not conclude what my blind eyes is telling me

And what do you hear from all this violent vibe
With the endless chaos thundering threateningly
To me the rain only pours sombre reminder
Of what I am and where I’m going
A non-entity, to a place so empty nothing matters

Your accusing screams are drowning my calling
Should there be any at all, that is
In the middle of it all, trying hard as I can
I can only hear my heart being sliced to pieces
That accompanies the sharp pain I feel deep inside

Head down, I’m on my knees
With my fingers stuck in the mud
Believe me I’ve tried to stand up
Believe me I’ve tried to look up
But the shoulders are just too heavy
And the eyes are just too fiery

Doom merchant, naysayer?
To hell with you
It just doesn’t matter anymore