Six Feet Under

I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy. Or feeling that everything is going to be ok, no matter what deep shit I was in. I used to be so optimistic. I used to think that however twisted the situation I faced, everything somehow was going to fall into place. I was convinced that the universe has pre-set my life to have a happy ending. Blind optimism.

Now I'm thinking I might never get to look back to my life feeling proud. I won't be able to say, 'Look, I could or could not have done better with my life, but nobody can say I didn't live it to the fullest and gave it my best shot.'

Why am I suddenly thinking about this? Well over breakfast today, my mum told me about this friend of my family and how he is having a tough life. He must be close to 50 years old right now. I remember him. He is the son of a canteen operator at the school my dad used to teach. He is a nice guy, an honest, hardworking guy. I used to think he was really cool and I kind of looked up to him. Now, he is finding life quite difficult.

So I sat there listening to my mum telling me about him while stuffing my face and thought, if a guy like that having it tough right now, how will I have it in 10 years time? How about in 20 years time? 30 years?

I feel like right now my life is going nowhere. I have no plans. I made fun of myself, in hope I won’t be too miserable thinking about my life direction. I have no guts. People have told me countless times never to give up. Well I don’t think they have to worry about that. I’m too embarrassed to even feel like ‘giving up’, because quite simply I feel I don’t have the right to it. I mean how can I give up when I have never even tried in the first place?

Funny isn't it, when I realise my life is going downhill (I can even blog about it for god's sake) and still I let it be. To make it worse, I certainly know where I'm going wrong, I know what I should do to make it right but I'm just not doing it!

Why? I'm sorry, I have no answer to that...