How Many Times Can A Heart Breaks

At first in my mind it plays so simple,

I love you and you love me, that’s it, so simple,

The secrecy and the jealousy, they are bearable,

For you and me together, a bliss in a bubble.

Waiting for the safe window deep in the night, 

Sleep turns secondary resting eyes just a slight, 

While the world in a slumber we are fresh and bright, 

Beaming and glowing, you my princess are always a delight. 

When it’s our time, seems like no one else matters, 

That one other in our love equation is a non-factor, 

Like a silent letter, it’s there but no one bothers, 

And our love ecstasy keeps getting bigger and deeper. 

But then reality sets in, sense sets in, 

And then that non-factor, factors in, 

The rapture turns ache painfully deep within, 

A concern in particular keeps peeking in. 

How many times can a heart breaks? 

How much more sorrow can my heart takes? 

Do we not realise what is at stake? 

Mustn't we muster the courage to hit the brakes? 

I love you princess then and now my feelings are true, 

Truly convinced it should have been me and you, 

With certainty I knew, they were not mere clues, 

Ever after was waiting for us, just me and you. 

Sadly now, our paths are just too far apart to come together, 

The first time you so abruptly left our fate expires, 

Our time has passed, however strong our feelings they no longer matter, 

Alone, again I’ll be left to pick up the pieces that you shatter. 

Just how many times can a heart breaks? 

Forgive me Eyg, I no longer have what it takes, to find out..

Banking On The Funny

Something funny happened today.

I received a letter from a bank. RHB Bank to be exact, the bank who claims to make banking much simpler to Malaysian; what a noble bank. Seeing RHB’s name on the letter made me happy, because I thought they miss me or something. You see, I was their credit card holder for a few years. I terminated the card a few months back quite simply because their rewards and discounts suck.

So seeing their letter I thought they wanted to wish me Selamat Hari Raya or since my birthday is coming soon (21st Oct, don’t forget!) I thought they wanted to offer me some nice pre-birthday gift. It wouldn’t surprise me if they did because I was a good little customer of theirs. I never missed a due date and once I even pay them extra money for my credit card (true story, I got my credit card bill once stating they owe me money!).

Anyway, there I was happily tearing the letter open and guess what, they are chasing after me because I haven’t settled my credit card payment! And this is the priceless part, I owe them an earth shattering grand total of RM0.04! Four cents! 4. Cents. That’s four of the ugly tiny little coins that do not have any value anymore!

Now I honestly thought I’ve settled the full amount of what I owed them when I terminated the card. Looking back though, it is possible that I just rounded up the amount owed and paid a little less. RM0.04 less. And it is possible I rounded it up because I thought a bank won’t care about the four cents. Looks like I’m wrong. Obviously that four cents are very important to them, what with banks paying their top people 100 year bonuses and all, every cent counts!

At that time surely I’d have thought they will just write off the four cents, but no, they really want their four cents. They want it so bad that they are willing to spend more than four cents in ink cartridges and paper and postage and manpower to send me a letter to remind me about the four cents I owe them. Brilliant!

I like their letter too. They try hard to be polite in telling me they are a bunch of tight-asses.

Dear Sir,

We wish to advice that your account is past due.
You may have overlooked the payment due to your busy schedule. The only thing I overlooked was the fact that you banks are tight-asses.
We appreciate if you could remit the minimum amount due to regularize the account. I’m sure your top people would appreciate my would-be four cents contribution to their 100 year bonus.
Please contact our Collection Unit if you require further clarification. Don’t count on it.
Please disregard this notice if you have made the payment. Other than writing this to ridicule your bank, I’ll disregard your notice regardless; further payment or not.

Now this is the best part. At the bottom of the letter, there is a paragraph about Bank Negara’s Counseling and Credit Management Agency. Hah, I so need counseling on how to manage my RM0.04 debt! Thanks a lot!

You know what, since they are being so polite about it I think I’m going to pay. To RHB, I hope your cash deposit machines are able to accept coins, or be prepared to scour for four little tiny ugly coins inside your cash deposit machine at Taipan.

A Quick Update

1- I’m in love. Really in love. So much in love that the future doesn’t scare me as much anymore. What looks like a dead end before now looks wide open with countless possibilities.

2- I still think women are princesses though. Princesses that I have no chance of understanding anytime soon, maybe not even ever. But that’s ok, because the one I love is totally worth it. Definitely more than I deserve.

3- I’m happy with my life right now. I feel like I have everything in order. The only thing that is left for me is to get rich. Maybe I should start buying lotteries.

4- I’ve become lazy. Not lazy personally because I have always been lazy. I’m talking about work. It’s just so hard for me to work hard now (or just work). I’m officially blaming two shit workplaces for this. But the real problem might just be myself. Because I am lazy. No denying that. So GLC here I come!

5- Eminem came out with recovery. And I love everything about it. Though he seems to be ‘nicer’, he is almost back to his old self. Great album.

6- It took me about 15mins to write an email in Malay just now. Trying to be proper in Malay is just so hard. It would be easier to write an email in Arabic.

7- Liverpool is in deep trouble. So much in trouble that I don’t really care we lost to Man Utd last night. This season is a write off to me. I don’t care where we will end up at the end of the season. I don’t care if we got relegated. I don’t care if any of the star players leave. I don’t care if Torres leaves. I just want the owners to be gone. 6th October is a mighty important date for Liverpool. Hopefully all will be cleared then. Then we can start rebuilding. I don’t care how painful the rebuilding process will be as long as the owners are gone. Yanks out!

8- I’m ashamed of my phone. To me now it looks like an ugly brick.

9- I absolutely love living alone. It is bliss. I have no words to describe just how great it is. But I’m willing to let it go, in exchange with a life together with my girlfriend. Hope it will happen soon.

10- I hate people more than ever now. I hate them so much that I prefer ants. At least I don’t feel guilty killing ants.

11- I’m old. The grey hair on my head proves that. And my hatred for text speak proves it even more. Sajew? Besaw? Pown? What the heck is that? The purpose of text speak is to shorten certain spelling so it will be easier to text. It is not to be fancy, it is not to be cool. It had a valid purpose to it but now text speak seems to beat its purpose. Arynie? I don’t get it!

12- I hardly update my blog anymore. That’s because I use my blog mainly to whine. Right now I’m happy. I’m happy because I am in love. So there’s not much to whine about.

13- I got two raya cards this year. One misspelled my name. But that’s ok, in the spirit of hari raya I forgave them. I also got duit raya this year. Getting duit raya made forgiving people who misspelled my name a lot easier.

14- My girlfriend has a new blog. A review blog for beauty products (or as I fondly call ‘benda-benda pelik’). Beauty and A Girl . Please visit and show your support. Thank you.

15- Bruce is driving pretty well right now. So that’s great. But it cost almost 5k to get it running good like now. And there’s no telling how long it will stay good. I hate Proton, but I can’t live without them. Sigh.

16- Have I mentioned that I’m in love? Because I am. I am in love.

That’s all for now. Until the next update!

Will The Real Baboon Please Stand Up!

I’m a big fan of this one guy who called himself Hassan Skodeng. Well he’s not a guy actually, he’s a baboon. Yup, that’s right, a baboon. Before anyone starts accusing me of being rude, he himself said he’s a baboon, with a red ass. His words, not mine, so I’m not being rude here.

Hassan the baboon is a blogger, or rather, he has a blog (Check it out yourself - Nose4news). In his blog he writes fictional news as a joke. So there is no truth in what he writes, all lies in fact, for comedy purpose. Pure made up news. As a joke. To make people laugh. He writes the news in his blog, in his pure fictional news blog, as a joke. For fun. To make people forget whatever problems that they may have for a while. So yeah, his news blog is one big joke blog. Not real news. Fictional. Fake news. Not real. Not the truth. All lies, just to make his readers happy.

I keep stressing what he writes is a joke, not the truth, because it is important. You see, some people have problems understanding that. His banner for the blog clearly states ‘The truth is out there (not in here)’. ‘True lies. Total horsecrap. Absolute fiction. So don’t sue me. Ain’t got no money anyways’. For some reason, some people do not understand that. They think the news he writes are all true.

The banner even has a picture of Pinocchio with the long nose, just to make it absolutely clear that the news in that blog are total lies. Still, many people think it’s true. They take it seriously. Even though the content of the news could not be more obvious that it is a joke, some people just don’t get it. Sigh, that’s okay I guess. If they don’t get it, they just won’t get it. What can we do, it’s not their fault that they are not blessed with any sense of humour. Poor people.

So not getting the joke is okay. However, what makes it not okay is accusing him of bad intent with his writing. Accusing him of malicious intent. “Writing/spreading inappropriate material with the intent to hurt”, that’s what he is being investigated for right now. Yup, he is officially being investigated under the section 233 of the Multimedia Act (I’m quoting Hassan Skodeng here, so if section 233 Multimedia Act doesn’t exist, blame him. He’s a big fat liar after all, so you can never be too sure). Just because a joke he made, which he clearly stated as a joke just to make people laugh and without any bad intention, some sensitive people made an official report against him. So now he is in trouble.

The fake news that got him into trouble is about TNB suing WWF on Earth Hour. He has deleted that sensitive piece of fake news (IT IS A JOKE!) from his blog. I wish I can show here that fake news, but the baboon in his blog made a request to other people not to post that fake news anywhere, and delete it if it is already posted. So to respect his request, I’m not going to tell more about the content of that fake news. Just go to his blog, read his other work and you can pretty much know the content of the said fake news. TNB, WWF, Earth Hour…..well surely you’ll get it.

As I understand it, although it is a JOKE, TNB failed to see the funny side of it. Even after this came out in The Star online dated March 28, where it clearly stated that it is a JOKE, and that the baboon apologized for “making his fake news appear too real”. Even after Hassan Skodeng repeatedly stated in his blog that it is just a joke by answering the angry comments from the people who thought the news was real or has bad intention. Even after all that, TNB still lodged a report against the poor baboon.

Well, what can I say?

I can say a lot actually. I am very disappointed with all this. I just cannot believe that this is happening.

I cannot believe how some people cannot see the joke in it.
I cannot believe how some people do not think it’s funny.
But like I said, that is fine. Some people just do not have any sense of humour. It’s not their fault I guess.
But, I really cannot believe how some people can still be angry after they were told that it is only a joke.
I really cannot believe how some people can accuse the writer of writing it with bad intention.
And…
I really, really, cannot believe TNB actually made a report against Hassan. I mean, what in the world are they thinking?

If TNB came out and say ‘Well we understand that it is just a joke. We support Earth Hour”, then TNB will come out from this with better and bigger reputation. It is a perfect opportunity for them to strengthen their image. Instead, they made a report against Hassan. Why? Because they thought what he wrote tarnished their image? Well I can say this, because they made that report, to the readers and fans of Nose4news, TNB is ‘not so bright’. In the end, they are tarnishing their own image. Good job! (Click here and read the comments for that posting, and you will realised I’m being extremely nice when I say ‘not so bright’).

I just cannot understand TNB’s point of view. Don’t tell me they don’t know what Hassan wrote about them in that piece of fake news is only a joke. Surely TNB is smart enough to understand this. As one of the biggest company in our country, they must have brilliant people running it. How can these people not see that there is no bad intent in what Hassan wrote? So to me that only leaves two possibilities.

One, someone in TNB has a personal grudge against primates. Maybe that someone is staying/stayed in Kuala Selangor and the notorious Kuala Selangor lotong always mess up that someone’s garbage, thrash that someone’s car and steal that someone’s yummy mangos. So when that someone realized Hassan Skodeng is actually a baboon, that someone smells blood. A baboon is not exactly a lotong but this is a great opportunity to get even. This is as close as it gets. And here we are..

Two, TNB thinks Malaysians are too stupid. That Malaysians actually believe TNB is suing WWF because of Earth Hour. Well like I said, some people did believe the story actually. When they read it the first time, they believed it because Hassan writes his fake news really well and he writes them just like how a real news is written. But then, Hassan stated in the comments column for that fake news that it is only a joke. That TNB is not suing WWF. Then, as I stated above, Star Online ran this story on their website, clearly stating that it is only a joke. (See the news, click here). Hassan even came out with 3 postings in his blog about this incident, again stating that it is only a JOKE. Unfortunately according to TNB, Malaysians are just too haplessly stupid, none of those can make them understand what is really going on, and here we are..

So, which one is it, possibility 1 or 2? Hmm, I just thought of another possibility, a third one. Maybe, just maybe, it is true that TNB is not happy with WWF's Earth Hour. That is why they were really riled up about what Hassan wrote. That make sense!

Or, maybe it is true what they said, TNB is 'not so bright'. Maybe understanding jokes is outside TNB’s capability. Loosening up is impossible for TNB. Maybe TNB really feels that the red ass baboon is really out to get them. And again, here we are... Scary isn't it, when we have people like this supplying electricity to the whole country.

So which one? I’ll let you decide for yourself.

The reason I’m very disappointed with all this is because Hassan is a good writer. He writes really well, he writes really funny and intelligent stuff. For some reason we do not realise that. We cannot appreciate his work. In fact we are shutting him down. Now I don’t know this baboon. All I know about him is his blog, Nose4News. He might be a devil outside his blog, he might be a real angel, I wouldn’t know. But what I do know, I like his writing, I like his blog, I like his work and he didn’t do anything wrong. He certainly should be allowed to continue writing.

We should encourage more people like Hassan, not stopping them. There are lots of bad things being said about Malaysian, about our intellectual level, the narrow mindedness. Sadly, this whole incident shows just that, the narrow mindedness, and it is hard to understand let alone to defend TNB in this.

Currently he is taking a ‘break’ from writing because of this case. He doesn’t say when he will be back. I’m guessing it depends on whether or not he manages to get out from this trouble. Bummer! I hope they won’t charge him with anything because I don’t think he did anything wrong and I love his work. When people talk about comedy gold, his work is pure comedy gold. So it will be a great pity if he is not allowed to continue writing for his blog.

To Hassan Skodeng, all the best. I hope you will get out from this unscratched. And I hope your sucking up to MCMC people will work so you can return soon, doing what you do best, making people laugh. Good luck..

To TNB, I'd like to echo a sentiment from one of the fans of Hassan Skodeng. 'If only I have alternative to TNB, I would surely boycott it. But since it's a monopoly, I guess they can do what they want and be what they want, no matter how ridiculous'.

Cheers! (Please don't sue me)
ps - Wanted to do this earlier but forgot, check out my favorite Hassan Skodeng work. It's hillarious. Sabah & Sarawak to be relocated

Sweet Problem

You know how doctors, because they think they are smart, they like to give talks, write books or articles, or simply talk to strangers in the kedai kopi, right? In their little talks or writings they always like to advise people, give annoying health tips and tell stories of their ‘precious’ experiences (yawn).

I’ve read or heard them say many times something along the line of, ‘You think this disease is only for old people? Think again, I’ve had many patients as young as 30 years old diagnosed with it’. And my response to that was always ‘Yeah yeah whatever’. I just couldn’t care less. However, the next time I hear (or read) doctors saying that, I imagine my response will be different. Different in what way will remain to be seen but it will be different for sure. Because now, their ‘30 years old patient diagnosed with it’ in their stories is me, and ‘it’ being diabetes. I have just being diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 30 years and 3 months old.

Well the story is like this. I went for my medical check up this morning, for my new job. (Yes, I’m leaving GUP, alhamdulillah). The check up started with the nurse handing me a little bottle to pee in. I’ve always worried about this peeing in a little cup business. What if I peed too much I made a mess of it? What if I can’t pee at all? What if when I handed back the little cup filled with my pee to the nurse and she threw up because it is so disgusting?

But the nurse handed me a little bottle, not a little cup, and instantly I was convinced it will go well. So confidently I walked to the toilet to do my mission and I did it perfectly. Clean, tidy and fast. And when I handed the bottle back to the nurse she just took it like it was nothing. Pheww, no embarrassing moment there!

So I sat down waiting for my turn to see the doctor happily. Text (texted?) a few of my friends telling them that I’m having my check up. I have always told everyone that I hate going to the doctor because for me doctors are the bearers of bad news. So in texting my friends I acted happy and brave, just to let them know no doctors scare me at all.

When the nurse opened the door and called out my name, I stood up quickly, pushed my chest as far forward and lifted my chin as high as I can as if to say ‘right, let’s get this nonsense waste of time over with’.

The nurse weighed me (I’ve lost weight!) and measured my height. Then the doctor asked me to sit down and she started asking me questions.

Do you have any allergies? No.
Have you ever had any operations? No
Any disease? NO!

Do you smoke?
Err, yes.

The doctor then checked my pulse, my heartbeat and my blood pressure. Then she proceeded by trying to blind me with that ridiculously bright little torchlight and looking very carefully to my eyes. I was scared that the doctor would ask me about the blue ring that circles my eyeballs, but she didn’t.

She shifted her attention to my ears and I almost say ‘damn it!’ out loud because I forgot to clean them. I was so sure she’s going to say something about it, but she didn’t. Instead she poked some cold hard metal into my ears and I instinctively tilted my head away because it really tickled. “Relax”, she said and I relaxed, and she continued examining my ears.

She did the reflex test to my knee and elbow, asked me to lie down and checked my stomach, asked me to sit up straight and checked my back. And after all that she sat down, wrote a few things down and said ‘everything seems fine’. I gave her a smile, one of those smiles that say, ‘well duh, of course everything is fine!’

I was just about to say ‘are we done here?’ when she got up, walked to a desk at the corner.

“Now it’s time for your urine test.”
Sigh whatever lah, can we just get it done quickly?

“Let see here. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….eh, you have diabetes!”
Say what?

I look straight at her quizzically and she repeated, “You have diabetes.”

“What?”, I said automatically.

“Let me show you”, she said while showing me a piece of cardboard like test thingy. “You see here it says blue is for negative and brown is for positive. Look at yours, it’s brown.”

I must have this look on my face that said ‘well either you’re stupid or your test thingy is broken’, because she then said, “I tak tipu ok. Let’s sit and do blood test.”

She took my blood sample to check my sugar level and while waiting for the reading to come out she explained to me that anything above 7 means a mild case of diabetes and anything above 10 means, well, you are screwed.

And a few seconds later the reading came out, 8.6.

“Erm, so, what does that mean?” I asked stupidly.

“Well like I said, you have diabetes,” she replied, almost to the tune of ‘I told you so’.

“Do your parents have diabetes?”
“Yes”
“Do you pee a lot?”
“Yes”
“Do you feel thirsty most of the time?”
“Yes” Okay okay I get it!

She looked at me and said, “From now on you have to watch your sugar intake. Eat brown rice to replace normal rice. And brown bread as well. Bla bla, bla bla bla. Bla bla bla bla, bla bla. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Whatever she said after that did not register at all. I just wanted to get out from there.

I didn’t see that coming at all. Diabetes, who would have thought? But to be honest it didn’t bother me that much, not immediately anyway. I mean it’s only mild diabetes, not heart problem, not lungs, not kidney, not cancer. Just a stupid annoying diabetes. What harm can it cause? As long as I don’t get some serious cuts or injuries I should be fine.

However, it did hit me later, when I was at this mamak place having my usual late lunch. I ordered roti canai with susu lembu coffee. (Highly recommended, brew coffee with susu lembu at Kanna Curry House Jalan Gasing. Believe me, it’s awesome!). As soon as the mamak walked away after taking my orders, I realised I’m not supposed to order it. Because I’m diabetic. Because I’m sick. A sad sick 30 year old with diabetes.

I’m supposed to watch what I eat and drink now until the day I die, because diabetes does not disappear. Once you have it you will stuck with it forever. And the big sacrifice with food and drinks is not to cure it, it is only to contain it. Now that sucks!

I’m not even one who takes lots of sugar, who like excessive sweet stuff. I barely eat ice creams. Ice creams are evil and I stay away from it most of the time but how come I still have diabetes? Maybe somebody injected me with sugar every night when I am deep in my sleep because I really do not understand how my sugar level is high!

Stop having a drink at mamak? You must be joking.
Stop having my favorite 3 in 1 Nescafe? Hell must be freezing over.
Brown rice? You can bet your bottom ringgit that I won’t even touch it!

And the thought that depresses me the most is, if I have diabetes now, what will I get in 5 years time? 10 years? 20 years? What other diseases will I get because of this diabetes? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Can I still donate blood? If I go to the doctor because I have back ache, or dizziness, or even a simple flu or fever, do I have to tell the doctor straight away that I have diabetes? Does my insurance cover diabetic treatment?

I feel tired and sleepy most of the time, is that because I’m diabetic? (Actually, strike that off. I'm sure it's just because I'm a lazy bum)

Would my children get diabetes?

!!!!!

Huh, doctors, they are nothing but bearers of bad news!

Random Thoughts 6 - Raya Edition

Raya! Woohoo!! Really? Woohoo?
If I have to describe how my Raya holiday is so far, I would say it is blissful. Not happy, not joyfull, but blissful. I’m happy that I get to spend time with my niece and nephew, especially now that I don’t get to see them as much as before. I’m happy that I get to spend a few days at the place where I grew up (well close to it anyway). I’m happy that I have a reason to eat lemang as much as I want. And I’m especially happy that I get to stay away from work, or should I say office, for 12 days. And that’s the problem. 12 days. How can 12 days be enough when what I really want is forever? So amidst the Raya mood that I’m feeling right now, there is a tiny bit of restlessness in knowing that with every second I’m enjoying myself, I’m getting a second closer to work. And I hate that, so I’m trying hard to ignore it. I’m trying hard to be blissful.


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So what is the best way to spend your first night of Raya? Watch football of course! Football, football and football. Well that was what I thought anyway, until a certain Michael Owen ruined it for me. He scored the winner to give his new ‘beloved’ team a priceless win against their local rival. When Owen came on as a sub late in the game, there was a voice inside me that said ‘Oh I bet my bottom ringgit that he is going to score the winner here’. Worse, there was a stupid part of me that actually WANTED Owen to score the winner because believe it or not I still want to see him do well. And you know what? He did. I just cannot believe it. Not so much that he scored, because I know very well what he can do, but I can’t believe I still want him to do well after everything that has happened. After everything that he did. I’m a big idiot!
I guess this is how it will always be, the mix feeling I will have every time I watch him play. And that sucks!


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Speed trap! I hate speed trap! I just got two summonses for speeding. RM600 to be thrown away just because I drove a little bit faster than the limit. In one of the areas that I got the summonses from, 90km/h is the speed limit. 90km/h! That is just painful. They might as well ask drivers to stop driving and push their cars instead. I mean c’mon, even 110 is too slow for me. We are talking about highways here not kampung roads that are full of potholes and cows crossing all the time. On my way to Seremban for my Raya holiday, I got no choice but to drive within the limit set because of the strict ‘Ops Sikap’ that they enforced on every holiday season. And my God it was a painful, boring drive.
I admit our accident rate is atrocious, but to blame it on speeding is just wrong. It’s the attitude of the drivers, not the speed that is causing all the accidents. I really hope they will revise the speed limit and I think 130 is ideal. There were talks about increasing the speed limit not so long ago but all we got is reduced speed limit during holiday seasons. What happened?
RM600, I could get a decent mattress for that much. Whatever, I ain’t paying!


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I’m resigned to the fact that for me to have a chance to quit smoking, I will have to fast a whole year long. I was totally fine without cigarettes during the just finished puasa month (during the day that is), but as soon as it ended my smoking habit shot back to normal. Why? I just don’t get it. This happens every year.
I guess it makes sense though. I’m so lacking will power, I need someone or something to always ‘govern’ me in everything. I’m so weak and lack discipline. So the same goes with smoking. I know I can’t smoke during the day in puasa month so I don’t entertain the thought of smoking at all. Now that I can smoke, all I can think about is smoking. I am so weak!


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I’m watching the movie Hancock while I’m writing this ‘Random Thoughts’, and I just have to say that Charlize Theron is pushing every pleasure button that I have in me. Like seriously, she is so yummy I feel like m……..
Ergh, dang! The satans are unchained!

Hey, How Are You?

It’s hard to go on when deep down you feel the same ache for years. It’s not a pain anymore, it’s an ache. An ache derived from many things, but born from the same source, hopelessness.

I’ve felt it for so long that I don’t even have the energy to talk about it anymore. No point. When I am seen, I smile, I laugh and I talk about my plans tomorrow. I tell them what I want to do, what I want to get, and where I want to go. And while all that, smiling and telling them my plans, I feel the ache so deep inside that it won’t and it can’t reflect through my expressions any longer. My smiles are genuine. When I laugh I’m not faking it. But the smiles and laugh are entangled with the ache. I can smile and laugh all I want but they will never be enough to lessen the ache.

When I am not seen, when I am all alone, I still laugh and I still smile. But they are directed to myself, at how I am now. And the ache remains there. I can’t even get down on my knees with head in hands, crying my heart out, without feeling I have no right to all that anymore. That I’m just bullshitting myself.

So this, what I’m doing now is the only thing I can think of that can cushioned the hit from the ache. I’ve written a lot of things that I can’t get myself to actually put it out, because they are too blunt and they will come across as too dramatic. But in this one I hope I managed to pour out how I really feel without the drama. I’m not asking for sympathy from anyone. I’m not even asking for help. I just need to let it out so I will be understood, and not be looked upon strangely. I just need to let it out and I like to think of this blog as my amnesty, no matter what I say.

Anyway, I’m writing this because today I was asked “Hey, how are you?”. The genuine ‘how are you’, from a friend who I talk to (chat with) everyday. To a friend that I tell all my problems and feelings to (well most of it anyway).

I was told that I didn’t sound too good, and this was through a chat session. I don’t sound too good from a chat. “What’s wrong,” she asked. Out of the blue, when we were chatting normally, while she was telling me about her work, while I was trying to help her with her work. I could’ve sworn I was being my normal self. Not even once I complaint or whine about anything but still she said I didn’t sound too good. Still, out of the blue, in the middle of our conversation about her report she has to do, she asked “Hey, how are you?”.

I guess what I’m trying to do here is to thank her for asking me the simple yet heartfelt question, and at the same time I’m trying to answer her because I didn’t say much when she asked me . I appreciate it very much and it did make me feel better.

So the next time you ask someone 'how are you', mean it, because it can really make a difference.

Awakening

I met an old friend this afternoon. I knew him from my school days, during this one tennis tournament. He beat me in a close match and we got along well after that. We stayed in touch and became quite close, until we lost contact a few years back. Never thought I would ever saw him ever again but it is a small world after all.

He didn’t change much. I recognised him instantly when I saw him. He was with this very pretty girl which I thought was his girlfriend. She was carrying a few plastic bags so I guess they were in the middle of their shopping.

Seeing me, he sent his girl away, telling her he wanted to do some catching up with me. She didn’t look please at first but after a few firm words from him, she obeyed.

We ended up having a drink, laughing at old stories and telling new ones to each other. One conversation led to another until he told me he has never been happier than he is now. The reason, he said confidently, “I made the best decision I have ever made. After I broke up with my long time girlfriend, I decided to stay single. And I've been single ever since.”

I asked him about the pretty girl and he told me, “No, she’s not my girlfriend. She is just one of the girls I’m having fun with right now.”

“Er, does she know that? She seems madly in love with you,” I asked him.

“That’s not my problem,” he said without any hesitation. “She’s a great girl and all, but I’m just looking for some fun. She makes me happy in more ways than one, if you know what I mean, but in the end she is just a girl.”

He then continued telling me, “You must be wondering what the hell happened that made me this way right? Actually nothing happened. I just woke up one morning feeling girls should be enjoyed and nothing else. So enjoying them I am!”

“And this really is making you happy?” I asked.

“Yes, happier than I have ever been,” he answered firmly.

“Are you going to call me a big bastard now?” He asked looking straight at me.

I looked straight back at him, paused a few seconds. Then I smiled and said, “Well, yes, you big bastard......well done...”

He smiled back, “I knew you would understand.”

We continued our conversation until the pretty girl came back, excitedly telling him, “Sayang, look what I got you. I bet you will look great in it!”

And we kept on smiling...

Open Letter to Mr Owen

Hi there Mr Owen,

How are you? How did you enjoy your summer holiday? Holiday is over right? I mean, pre-season is starting soon and most players are already backed with their team doing their fitness right now.

I wonder where did you go for your holiday this summer. Some exotic island maybe? Or probably you went to one of those fitness farms as you were just recovering from your injury? I’m probably far off here. Maybe you didn’t travel anywhere at all. Maybe you just spent time at home with your gorgeous wife and your beautiful kid instead. And golfing. Or maybe, yeah I think this was it, you ‘spent’ time with your race horses, one of your biggest passions, right?


I’m just playing the guessing game here. There are 1001 things you could have done and 1001 places you could have gone to during your holiday. Anything is possible, because you are Michael Owen. You have the name and you certainly have the money. You could even go to space I think, had you really wanted to.

For me, life is as usual. Actually right now it’s a bit boring to be honest because, yeah you’ve guessed it, it is the off season. No football, nothing really to look forward to. The closest I can get to football is by reading all the transfer gossips. Also I keep looking out for your news, keeping an eye on your next step and secretly hoping you would come back to Liverpool. Yes, Liverpool. I’m a big fan of Liverpool Football Club, Mr Owen. I’m obsessed about the club.

Do you know how I started supporting Liverpool? Well I have always told people I’m a fan of Liverpool since as far as I can remember. But I was one of those glory hunters then. I don’t know much about the team at all, but I wanted to be associated with them because at that time they were very successful. And I mean VERY SUCCESSFUL. (Of course you know all about it). But you know what made me a real fan? It was the 1996 FA Cup final, Liverpool vs Man Utd. We lost 0-1 in that game. I’m not going to go into the details, but the unfortunate way Liverpool lost that game made me a real fan.

But still after that game, I was nowhere near as big of a fan as I am now. It took another factor that elevated my interest to Liverpool Football Club to a near obsession. Took me another factor that made me learned everything there is to learn about the club. The tradition, the history, the success, the failure. I read up and learned all that. And that factor was you, Mr Owen. You made me the fan that I am today. My obsession with Liverpool Football Club started with you.

Like I said, after that game I started to learn more about the club. I took more interest, and that was when I learned about you. A young player making waves in the reserve team. Everyone spoke highly of you. At that time all the experts said you were the next big thing. At that time you broke every scoring record there were to break on the reserve level. Naturally I got very excited. A young player from Liverpool’s own academy on the verge of breaking through, to continue the tradition of the club in having great players playing for the team. People were dead certain you were going to take the world by storm.

And you proved them right. You took the world by storm. Just minutes into your debut you scored what would be your trademark goal - playing off defenders’ shoulder and using your perfect timing, anticipation and pace to break free from your marker and calmly slot the ball home. You announced your arrival perfectly to the world in that debut game against Wimbledon. 1997, the year a young 17 year old Michael Owen made his debut for Liverpool.

From then on you never looked back. After an excellent first full season with Liverpool, you went to the world cup and scored THAT goal. THAT goal everybody still talks about till this day. You became the most feared striker in the world. And I was really proud of you, a product of Liverpool Youth Academy. I was really, really honoured to be supporting you, to cheer for every goal you scored. At that time I was convinced you were going to play for Liverpool until you retire. At that time I cannot imagine Liverpool without you. To me, you were almost as big as the team itself.

And your personality, you were the perfect model pro. You conducted yourself perfectly on and off the pitch. People called you Mr Clean, to reflect your professionalism. In short, you were almost ‘unreal’. One of the best football players in the world with the best attitude; humble and down to earth. Like I said, you were almost unreal.

That doesn’t mean you didn’t face any problems though. Like any other mortals, you too had to face your fair share of crisis and controversies. Human nature right, we like to create heroes and then destroy them. Your style of play and your injury problems became the focus of the world. Critics said time and again you were too one dimensional. Every mistake you made on the pitch got pounced on. And I defended you time and again.

When you won the prestigious Ballon d’Or in 2001, I was so happy for you. You were officially the best player in Europe that year. How cool was that? That shut up a lot of critics didn’t it? And every time you got your injury, especially when it was your hamstring, they say you were finish. And again I defended you every time, and of course you came back with style after each injury. Way to show it to them, Mr Owen!

You gave me so many great memories, so, so many. The FA Cup final against Arsenal for instance, when you scored both goals to win the cup. I will never ever forget that. There are many more great memories from you, Mr Owen, too many to list them all here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Mr Owen. You were my hero.

And because you were the hero I used to look up to, today is so hard for me. Because you were my hero, I’m feeling deeply betrayed by the news I heard today. How could you?

I think every Liverpool fan thought you were going to stay with Liverpool forever. When you ditched Liverpool to sign for Real Madrid, there was this unbelievable outrage against you. They called you a traitor. They called you Judas. But not me Mr Owen. I was on your side. I defended you. Make no mistake, you leaving Liverpool devastated me. But still I defended you. I told everyone you were entitled to look after yourself, that you were entitled to go pursue your ambition because Liverpool quite frankly couldn’t fulfill the ambition that you had. I said you didn’t owe the club anything because you have given so much. In fact I felt you have given the club and the fans more than they deserved, so no one can question your decision to leave Liverpool.

Even with the way you left Liverpool, the coldness in the way you make the move to Real Madrid, still I defended you.

When things didn’t go to plan for you at Madrid, the fans that you left ridiculed you. They said that’s what you get for leaving Liverpool. “Suits him right, the Judas!” Still, I defended you.

When Liverpool won the Champions League on that glorious night in Istanbul, the fans mocked you by chanting “Michael where were you in Istanbul?”. Every time I heard that I always snap back “Get off his back, I have no doubt he was cheering for us because he is one of us.” I defended you.

When you chose freaking Newcastle over us they all say you were a money grabbing bastard, that you never cared about Liverpool. You only cared about yourself. “See, didn’t I tell you, he is nothing but a selfish bastard who only cares about money.” You practically spat on our faces, Mr Owen, when you chose Newcastle instead of coming back to us. But still, I defended you.

When Newcastle got relegated, again the insults they directed towards you were thick and fast. They laughed at you, Mr Owen, and still I defended you! After all that you’ve done, I still defended you.

From the height of that treble season you had with us, winning Ballon d’Or, you are now a has been out of contract who got relegated, who is the butt of jokes, who lost all the ability that once made you the most feared striker in the world. Who lost all the respects that you had. AND STILL I DEFENDED YOU!

But no more Mr Owen. Enough is enough. Your latest betrayal is too much for me to take. How could you?! Man Utd? How could you even consider this? Doesn’t Liverpool mean anything to you? You use to wear Liverpool’s jersey and kissed the club crest proudly; didn’t that mean anything to you? You really are the money grabbing cold bastard people were talking about. And to think that I’ve defended you all the time before this. You make me sick, Mr Owen! From now on I couldn’t care less about you. From now on I will never wish you well anymore.

At the time I’m writing this, your move to Man Utd is still pending the medical. But whatever happens in the next few hours, either you pass or fail the medical, either you officially become a Man Utd player or not, you are already tainted.

The bridge is burned, Mr Owen.

3rd of June

It’s here. The special day is here. It’s the 3^rd of June, one of the most important days of the year (after 21^st Oct of course). What makes today so special? Read on.

The ancient tribe of Mayan civilization celebrated ‘Poohalai’ day on 3^rd of June every year. ‘Poohalai’ is the name of their river goddess, the most powerful of Mayan’s gods, so Poohalai day was arguably the most important day for the Mayan.

It was rumoured that Shakespeare completed the most celebrated love story ever, Romeo & Juliet, on one 3rd June (sorry can't remember the year).

In October 1957, Soviet launched the first of its revolutionary satellite series, Sputnik. Rumour has it that the scientist who was instrumental in developing Sputnik’s technology completed the blueprint of the satellite on 3^rd June 1956 (hence the first Sputnik was nicknamed ‘36’). Sputnik went on to totally change aerospace technology.

Do you know that the internet was invented for the US army? During the cold war, espionage was at its peak. Countless communication strategies were used to make sure sensitive and vital information managed to reach the intended target safely and US army successfully used internet for this purpose (don’t ask me how). After the cold war was over, due to its massive potential, internet was made available to public. And guess what, the day they officially made it public was 3^rd of June, 1993 I think.

Perhaps the most effortlessly beautiful actress ever to grace the silver screen is Scarlett Johansson. She has that messy hair thing going on all the time, coupled with the almost non-existent make-up on her face, yet her beauty still clearly shines through. Amazing! And again, guess what, she made her acting debut on 3^rd June 1995!

3^rd June seems to be a very special day, isn’t it? So many extraordinary events happened on this day. However, the events above are only the small parts that make today a very special day.

What makes today a truly special and important day is this other event that happened 27 years back. 3^rd June 1982, around 5.40pm, in Hospital Bersalin Kuala Lumpur, a beautiful baby girl was born.

Everyone was born with something unique about them. For this baby girl, she had that gift of love, in both giving and accepting. There is something about her that make love flourish. Imagine a field full of green grass and beautiful flowers, that’s her heart.

27 years on, in her own way, the baby girl has filled so many lives with soul, and many hearts with love, including mine.

So to that 3^rd June 1982 baby girl, have a happy birthday. May you have all your wishes fulfilled but one, so you will always have at least one thing to keep striving for.

Happy Birthday!

Important notice - Use the facts in this posting at your own peril!

Round & Round

I am sitting in front of my newly bought netbook right now, trying hard to figure out what to write about. I just can’t think of anything to write. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, nothing to share or whine on anymore; trust me, I have lots in my mind. If someone crack open my brain at this very moment, all kind of things will pour out. And I mean all kind of things; if you look hard enough you will probably find your bank account balance in there. (Don’t ask, I’m not going to explain it!)

So what is going on? Why am I finding it hard to write?

If I’m honest enough with myself, I know the answer. Of course I know the answer.

I’m simply tired of being wrong.

I am 30 years old now. With the things I’ve experienced, I thought I have learned a lot. And naturally when you learn a lot, you know a lot. But I don’t think I know anything at all. I keep doing the same mistakes over and over again. The more I see, hear and feel, the more confuse I get. When I think I’ve toughen up, that I’ve become stronger, I actually am still weak.

You know how scientists record their experiments on journals (or at least that’s how movies portray scientists), how they record their findings for future reference? The scientist will go something like, “this is Dr X, May 8^th, 2009. Today, 5 months after relinquishing his post as the president, I can confirm that George Jr’s brain finally showing sign of mild activity”.

Well this blog is like my experiment journal. Only it is a life experiment journal, not science (obviously). I express my feelings and my thoughts through this blog. Every time I think I have learned something, I will write it here. When I write it, I truly believe it. Unfortunately for me, I’m always wrong. And later when I find out what I write is nothing more then a load of bull, it disappoints me to no end.

I’m tired of being wrong, and I don’t want to be reminded about it anymore. That’s why I haven’t been writing much. I no longer care.

So, tired of being wrong and not caring are the reasons I’m writing less and less. OR, I’m just plain lazy. That is not so far fetched. I am lazy. What I wrote in the six paragraphs above was just me being a drama queen. Hmm..

Whatever!

An Update

So here we are, in the 2nd month of 2009, and things haven’t changed much for me since the day I started this blog. I still whine a lot, especially on…erm, wait. No ‘especially’, I still whine about everything. I guess the tone for this blog, that is a ‘whine arena’ for Good Boy, was written in stone right from the start, and that is what it will always be. It seems impossible to change it. Whining is my passion.

I’m still with GUP, though right now I’m actively looking for other jobs. Got a couple of interviews and fingers crossed, I will leave GUP soon. It’s getting really hard for me getting up in the morning to go to work. I despise GUP and it has come to a point where by just being in the office is like going through a never ending mental torture. Coupled that with this new very unbelievably unreal annoying irritating girl who joined recently, I just can’t take it anymore. GUP is killing me deep inside and I need to get out of it asap, or I might end up in mental asylum. No kidding!

And I’m still broke. While I’m not exactly eating maggi at every meal, my meager saving is getting more and more pathetic by the month. And it is made worse by the ever expanding things that I want. I didn’t use to ‘want’ things before, but now I just want everything. And the fact that I am nowhere near affording those things depresses me a whole lot. Never mind a Vaio, I can’t even afford a pair of jeans now. I don’t know what I do with my money, at the end of the month my current account is always in the negatives. Sigh…

Hmm what else….Let see, I’m still a narcissist, still angry and still a crybaby. I think that just about covers it all.

Anyway, I was saying things haven’t changed much, but a few things did change.

One of them was, I’ve gotten over my ex. For real. A friend is still skeptical about it but I’m completely healed now. It took about one and a half year for me to do that, not that bad really. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. One morning I woke up and bang, I felt free! Thank God! It was a painful memory but a priceless experience nonetheless. I like to think that I’m a stronger person now. However, having said that, the damage is done really. The scar remains. Every time I hear or see similar things to what I went through, I blow my top so much that it messes up my better judgment. It works like a trigger, and unfortunately I don’t think it will ever go away.

Another thing, I’m writing less and less now. I don't even write match report for Liverpool anymore. My last few postings on the blog were just some poems I wrote about nothing. I’m just too lazy. By writing poetry I feel that I don’t need to put too many thoughts in it. I can just leave it very vague without going into too much detail and still I can call it my ‘new writings’. I feel like I’m cheating. I’m not sure what causes my laziness to write but it is either because I’m relatively happy right now or I just run out of things to say. I’ve said in one of my postings some months ago that I feel more inspired when I’m angry or sad. Right now there are not too many things to be angry or sad about, which is good I guess.

Or like I said, maybe it is because I have run out of things to say. There was a time when I posted new entry for the blog every single day. That time, I would sit in front of my PC and think about what to write. I mean I would really squeeze my brain to get ideas out because I wanted my blog to have lots of entries. Well I can’t (or wont) do that anymore. I will end up writing rubbish if I do that now. So from now on, I will only write when I have something to write about. Not just to have more entries in my blog.

Ok I think I’ll stop here for now. My stomach is feeling really weird. Must be the satay. Ciao!

D’oh!!! When You Are Already 30…

(Picking up the phone….dialling number….pressing green button….connecting….ringing….)

@@: Hello?

##: Hey. Lambatla nak taip kat chat, lagi senang call. So how? Boleh tak?
(office key…check. Car key…check. What else? Shutting down the pc. What else? Need to make a move NOW!)

@@: Erm, tak jam ke jalan nanti? Today is Friday. If 8 is the earliest you can get here then tak payahla…

##: Ha, kul 8? Eh tak. Yang pukul 8 tu kalau I keluar lambat. Sebab tu I kena keluar sekarang, to beat the jam. Sekarang ni jalan ok lagi, baru pukul 5. I rasa boleh sampai rumah sebelum 5.30. Then kat rumah kejap je, just need to take a few things then terus je la keluar balik. Kul 6.15 I boleh sampai kot. (Dang, forgot the back light! Walking to kitchen….entering kitchen….switching on the back light….Ok done, I need to go NOW….walking to sliding door….note to self, don’t forget to check the other door….ok won’t forget….erghh, forgot to check aircond in the server room, think it was on….)

@@: Hmm, I don’t want you to be in a bad mood later because of the jam…

##: There won’t be a jam, remember, because I’m leaving now….(need to go NOW….ok aircond is off….walking back to sliding door….what is she talking about? I’ve never been in a bad mood because of the jam…..she sucks….locking the sliding door….don’t forget to lock the other door….I need to go NOW!)

@@: Rasa bersalah la pulak sebab I kacau plan u….

##: Mana ada u kacau. Just a little bit of change to my plan that’s all. We can watch a movie afterwards so the plan actually got better….(locking the other door….need to go NOW!….ok everything is done here, I can go now….walking to car….unlocking the door….starting the engine….dang, forgot my cigarettes….it was on the coffee table outside….and my phone….where’s my phone? Was it on my desk? Sigh….walking back towards office….)

@@: Ok good, I think I’ll be ready by 6.40. I just need to pick up my nephew from his school. If I’m late you can go look for the present first. They might have it at Ampang Point.

##: Ok. (There it is….picking up the cigarettes from the coffee table….what else….I need to go NOW….oh my phone….where is it? On my desk? Peeking into the office. It’s not there….where is it? I need to go NOW!)

@@: So are we meeting at the normal place?

##: (Where could it be? Did I leave it in the kitchen? Why would I leave it there? Is it in the toilet? WHY WOULD IT BE THERE?! Where is it I need to go NOW!)

@@: Hello, are you there?

##: (I think it’s in the kitchen. Sigh, now I need to unlock the sliding door….hand reaching into pockets looking for office key….no key….I need to go NOW! Where is my key? Oh that’s right, it’s in my car! Sigh, so stupid! What time is it? I NEED TO GO NOW!)

@@: OI!!! ARE YOU THERE?

##: Hah?! What…..Laaaaaaa, ishh!!!! Of course, I’m talking to you!!! (Slapping forehead really hard….D’oh!!! I’m so old!! D’oh!!!)

@@: What is going on??

##: Hey, do you wanna hear a funny story….

Don't Choose Orange, It Is Cursed!

Orange is an awkward colour. It’s a bright, showy colour that needs certain qualities for anyone to pull it off wearing it. Not many would choose to wear orange when stepping out of their house. That’s why a few weeks back when I noticed that EON Bank changed its colour from white to orange, I was quite surprised (and a little bit disturbed by it). I think it was a bad move. What were they thinking?

In Legally Blonde, Reese Witherspoon said “Whoever said orange was the new pink is seriously disturbed". Well I think the person who is in charge of branding for EON Bank is seriously disturbed for choosing orange, because it is very inappropriate for a big corporate company to use it as their official colour. Orange signifies lots or energy, youthfulness, fun, playfulness, etc. So for a bank to use it as their corporate colour……hmmm, seriously, what were they thinking?

Ok, I have to hold my hands up and admit I’m not the biggest fan of the colour and therefore I must have certain prejudice on everything orange. So because of that I might be too harsh on EON Bank regarding this. Orange will certainly make people notice EON Bank more so maybe it will work out well for them. I sincerely hope so because I have nothing against them. I may hate EON service with all the hatred in the world, but I have nothing against the bank. So good luck to them.

But like I said, I’m prejudiced about the colour orange, and I have pretty good reasons for that.

You see, I have a cousin. A sweet, soft spoken, kind hearted beautiful girl. She was engaged, to a guy that had a brilliant career ahead of him. The two families, hers and the guy’s, have long been friends. It was like a match made in heaven. Unfortunately, she made one big mistake. She chose orange as the theme colour of her wedding. And guess what, one month before her big day, she called off her engagement. Out of the blue, just like that. It came as a surprise to everyone because like I said, the couple was like a match made in heaven. It was the colour I tell you, orange, it is cursed.

Think I’m talking out of my arse? Well hold your horses, I’m not done yet.

GUP, it’s going down. It is inevitable. Now all GUP can do is to wait for its certain death, like a prisoner in the death row. How can that be possible? How can right now GUP awaits certain death when it had a start that the whole country remember until now, the start which at that time left a big impact not only in the country but also on the whole world? With all the money and an all star line up of who’s who of Malaysian corporate figure leading it, how can it be in the state it is in now? Yup you’ve guessed it, GUP colour is orange!

Seriously, think about it. I’m not going to name names here, but trust me, the people who lead GUP are brilliant, with the power and connection most people would die for. They are not just some novices in their respective fields, they are the main men. Powerful, brilliant, experienced group of people, but they are failing to keep something that had a mighty strong start alive. Believe me, it’s the colour!

It is not so much the fact that we are going down that bothers me. Businesses go bankrupt all the time, companies shut down their operations every passing day. That is just how things are. Sometimes they go well, sometime they don’t. It is the manner in which we are handling us going down that bothers me. We are still in denial, instead of accepting the fact that we are in deep shit, we are ignoring it and act like nothing bad is happening. How can it be like that? Why are they acting stupid? Why do they keep telling the staff that everything is as rosy as ever? We are a small team, they should let everyone know it’s bad so we can prepare for it….but they are not. These are our jobs we are talking about. Our security. Our future. They keep lying even when being confronted. We asked them directly and they said everything is fine. Why?

IT’S THE COLOUR! CURSED AND DAMNED!

The colour orange is to be blamed for GUP’s failure. Orange is making the big bosses turn into selfish monsters. Orange is making their brains melt. Orange is making the bosses ignore the welfare of the staff. Orange is making them cowards. ORANGE!

I pity these powerful, brilliant, experienced people because orange is screwing them up, turning them into idiots. Dignified, noble people who became lowly, ignoble ogres. Poor them, it is not their fault, it is the colour.

So don’t make the same mistake that GUP did. Don’t choose orange in whatever you are doing. It is not worth the risk. Don’t play with fire. Do not choose orange. If you see the colour orange anywhere, stay as far away as you possibly can!

To EON Bank, good luck to them. They will need all the luck in the world to survive the colour. Hopefully they will manage to break the ‘orange curse’.

For all you out there, remember, avoid orange. It is for your own good.

The Year That Was 2008

The year that made me realised the saying ‘time will heal’ is both a lie and the truth.

The year that ‘freed’ me from the not-so-precious ‘Russian egg’.

The year that showed me what a spineless fool I’ve been.

The year that told me I don’t need any more drama in my life.

The year that added another angle in my views of life.

The year that liberated me from my quest for fairy tales.

The year that pointed out how I’m using tragedies as a reason to be a coward and not trying.

The year that pushed me further, be it just an inch further, from the core of my comfort zone.

The year that reminded me no matter how useless I feel, I’m still needed.



To you, thank you for showing me how trivial everything was. And for tirelessly trying to shove some sense into my head.

To you, a million thanks for tolerating my anger, and for still being there. And for understanding me, when I myself having a tough time with it.

To you, thank you for saying ‘No’, for the whole of our young friendship, your ‘No’ was the best thing that you have done for me. Thank you.

Trippin' GUP

GUP is having a company trip early next month, you know, one of those activity people do to bond. Some people feel that since we have been so busy working hard in the office and we hardly have time to bond with each other, this trip will be good for us (sigh). Great, that’s what we need here at GUP. More reason to get away from work!

And this trip will involve the big bosses as well. I DON'T WANT TO GO. It's not that I don't like where we are going, in fact I love it the last time we were there. But I can just imagine what the conversations would be like, something like this.....

Big Boss : So how are things with you right now?

Me : Erm….good. Everything is good.

Big Boss : That’s good. How do you find working with GUP after….how long have you been with GUP?

Me :16 months…

Big Boss : Yeah, 16 months. So how do you find GUP so far?

Me : Erm…..GUP is……good…

Big Boss : Yup. Working in this field will make you feel good. It’s a noble thing that we are doing. You should be proud working with GUP.

Me : Erm…yeah…I guess I should….

Big Boss : What are you working on right now?

Me : Oh….I’m working on….on this…..thing….

Big Boss : What thing?

Me : You know….that thing….

Big Boss : No, I don’t know.

Me : Err…I’m working on….nothing…

Big Boss : What was that?!

Me : I’m not working on anything…

Big Boss : What do you mean you are not working on anything?

Me : It means I’m not working on anything. Everyday all I do is ‘News Brief’, and that is it.

Big Boss : I’m not getting this. So you don’t do any work? Why is that? And what the hell is ‘News Brief’?

Me : News Brief is news summary. Everyday I look for related news on the net, then summarise it and email the link to everyone. I don’t do other things because there are no other things to work on.

Big Boss : So we are paying you.…how much are we paying you?

Me : Erm…XXXXk…

Big Boss : Right, so we are paying you XXXXk just to surf the net?

Me : Erm…I guess…

Big Boss : How can that be? You get paid to surf the net and sit around all day!

Me : I guess….if you want to put it that way….

Big Boss : So what do you do with your time in office?

Me : Well….I try to do……my own…..research. Yup that’s right, I do my own research.

Big Boss : What research?

Me : You know…..research…..

Big Boss : No, I don’t know.

Me : Well...research on….PR….you know...how we can…increase…erm….. ah screw this! You want to know how I spend my time? Well here’s how. I chat online with my friends all day. Also I’m on Facebook a lot. I like to play Mobwar. Do you play Mobwar? Fun game you should try it. And also, I spend a lot of time writing for my blog. I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but GUP is embarrassing. It is everything that is wrong with this world today. Incompetence at the top management level, no direction whatsoever. Our partners are laughing at us, you know that? We are a joke. People give us money and we spend it for things like this, fun trip, fun outings, fun whatever else. And you, we hardly ever see you. You call yourself the big boss? If not for this trip, I would have forgotten how you looked like. GUP is going straight down to hell!
There, I’ve said it all!

Big Boss : Oh…ok…hmm…

Me : ...............

Big Boss : So you have a blog? Interesting. Can I read it?

Me : No.

Big Boss : Why not?

Me : Because in it I made fun of GUP a lot…..

Ok, of course it won't be exactly like that, but you get the idea right? The big bosses, they are hardly around, so the few times that they are, they will ask a lot of questions to make it like they care for GUP. So, to avoid bad situations like above, I seriously don't want to go but I have no idea how to escape from this trip.......

Help, anyone has any ideas?

Tearing My Hair Out

You know what sucks? When the time comes for you to finally get something that you really wanted, after you’ve been waiting for so long, only for you to be told that you need to wait a little while longer.

Things happened recently that made me feel like the whole excitement and happiness in me was taken out painfully and replaced with huge disappointments.

First, I finally managed to gather all my nerve to buy an N-series. I’ve wanted to buy it since last year and since my plea to family and friends to buy it for me was ignored, I have been saving for it, bit by bit. I bought it on Tuesday, using my birthday as an excuse, excitedly planning to show it off to everyone. But to my big disappointment, it didn’t happen. I have to return the phone because there was a problem with the camera. How suck is that? I could have paraded it at my dad’s birthday dinner, could have taken pictures of the belly dancer, but no, I have to wait a little bit more.

Then I also found out that season 7 of The Shield, the greatest TV series ever, has only just started showing in US. I think they are now at the 4th episode. That means I have to wait for quite sometime for the DVD to be available. I already have season 1-6, and season 7 being the final season is going to be the best ever. Being a big fan of it, you can imagine how excited I was to complete my collection. I knew there were some problems with the production of season 7 because of the Hollywood writer’s strike, but at that time they were almost done with the shooting so I thought whatever problems occurred, it won’t take long for them to finish it. Obviously I’m wrong, and obviously I’m very disappointed right now. I'd be lucky if they started selling the DVD early next year.

My third disappointment is work related. GUP was supposed to participate in this big exhibition next weekend, it will be my project. I’ve made plan for it since August and was so happy to have something to work on because playing Mobwar all day can be a little bit boring. But then my boss ruined it all for me by saying we have to pull out because we don’t have the budget for it. We can’t even afford to pay for the exhibition fee! Why the hell did he tell me we were going to join when he knew we can’t afford it from the start?!! I was so looking forward to next weekend but now, again, I’m left disappointed.

What a tragic life I’m living right now. It’s like nothing is going right for me.

A phone that has all these features I don't need was taken away from me, the new season of the TV series that I loved is not out on DVD yet and a weekend job that I don’t get to do.

Can you see how sucky my life is right now?

Sigh, enough complaining, I have to go. I need to look for the latest update on these tsunami victims in Sri Lanka, who are still homeless after all these years. Hmm....

Sweet October

This week is definitely the fastest week for me this year. Seems like it was only yesterday that I cursed the pakcik who sold lemang for RM12 because the lemang was not that nice. Seems like it was yesterday that I got all excited about putting on my new bed sheet which has ‘sleepy head’ written all over it. Now I have less than 35 hours before going back to work. I want more holidays!

This week is also one of the most tiring weeks ever. My family and I really did ‘beraya’ this year, we went out every day since day one. I pity the kids who always come to our house for their duit raya collection because we were never home. It has been quite a while since we ‘beraya’ like this and I have forgotten how tiring it can be. But it was all fun, especially our trip to Behrang because we skipped Behrang last year (and the year before, I think).

Like I said, the week flew by too fast that I couldn’t find the time to finish a couple of posting for this blog. I planned to get it done this week because they have been pending for quite a while, now I’m not sure where I’m going to find the time to finish it. If only I had my own laptop, it will certainly make it easier for me to write. Writing using pen and paper has stopped being an option long ago. Brat!

However, there is one thing that I like about the time right now, it is already October. October is the month where it really matters every year. October is my birthday month! I’ll be officially 29 on 21st, and I’m going to buy myself that thing that I want for my birthday, at whatever cost. I have also reminded everyone about my 29th birthday since last year by telling them to put aside money every month, so they will have enough to spend for my gifts this year. I told them it would be like my birthday fund. They thought I was joking but I was not. I was dead serious and I will shamelessly claim my gift come 21st. So be prepared everyone!

Don’t know what to get me? Don’t be silly, it’s easy! I will update my wish list in this blog so be alert. You don't want to be in my bad book!

The Day Of Celebration

What hint it brings
When I breathe the air of the dawn
I can sense the hope and fear
Tangling and converging into one
As they run through my vein
Making their way to my greedy heart

What words it whispers
When the sunrise caresses my eyes
I can see the path up ahead
Clear yet misty at the same time
Urging me to explore
While doubt clouded my ungrateful mind

How many steps have I wasted
Walking around in unfounded fears
How many more seconds will go by
Squandered in my endless daydreams

What today make obvious
Is that I have never tried
And I have never lived
Frightened by reality
I stay cosy and cowardly
In my safe little world

As the colours unite under the call
As the rhyme of greatness brings tears to the eyes
I dropped tears of my own in regret
And lost in the thought of what could and should

On this day of celebration
The deep beautiful melody go on and on
As to my hope and fear for what lies in front

Selamat Hari Raya!

That guy with the weird accent has confirmed it, raya is on Wednesday. That means tomorrow is the last day of fasting, the 30th day of Ramadhan.

I have never enjoyed fasting the way I enjoyed it this year. Not sure of the other reasons but working at GUP contributed towards that definitely. Leaving home for work at 10am and leaving work at 4pm everyday made it a lot easier for me.

I’ve set three targets for me to achieve during Ramadhan and I’m proud to declare that I’ve failed in all three of them. I said I wanted to quit smoking, hah, that didn’t happen. The first three days of puasa was good where I smoked less than three cigarettes per night, but that was as good as it gets. After that onwards my smoking habit went back to normal. Well I did try….

Then I said I wanted to go to as many pasar ramadhan as I can. All in all I went to six pasar ramadhans, which was not bad for me but I passed the chance to go to at least another three because I was just too lazy. I actually planned to do reviews for the pasar ramadhan that I went to but again my laziness got the better of me. So another fail for me.

Last but not least, I said I wanted to go to terawikh every night. Hmm, how I should I put it here; I have never failed so badly in anything else before. Yup, that’s about right. It was embarrassing really, I didn’t even go for the first night! I think I went to about 9 nights of terawikh. 9 out of 30 equals to 30%, a definite fail!

I’m sad to bid goodbye to Ramadhan because I know I could and should have done a lot more. This is what I feel every year, the regret of not taking full advantage of the month. All I can do now is pray to God to give me another chance at doing better next year. Ramadhan is a privilege, hopefully I will remember that at the start of it next year, not at the end of it.

Exit Ramadhan, enter Aidilfitri. I want to take the opportunity here to apologise for all the wrongs I’ve done to everyone. Wishing everyone a fantastic hari raya, the day of celebration.

And baby darling, no, I hold no grudges at all, hope it’s the same with you. Nothing more I’d like to do than dial your number, but I’m keeping my promise. It may seem stupid, but I think it is for the best. Please accept my apology for each and every wrong I did, wishing you an ace raya!

From the bottom of my heart,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN…