Random Thoughts 3

I love driving. Be it short or long distance, through the jam or through the highway, I would want to be the one who drives. This doesn’t mean I drive with a smile on my face all the time though. Like a normal person, I will still complaint about the jam, about other idiot drivers, about being tired, about being lazy to drive and also if my co-driver just sit on his or her ass doing nothing, not even helping to look for parking. Why do I like driving so much then? I think a big part of it is because driving puts me in control. In fact I think driving is the only time where I feel confident and in full control of myself and my life. Plus, there are very few people that I trust to drive me. What can I say, there are too many idiots in this life so you can never be too careful. I prefer to put my safety in my own hands.

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Siti Nurhaliza knows CPR! I’m quite impressed with that. She tried to help Yasmin Ahmad with CPR when she collapsed. Wow, I guess being the ambassador of Red Crescent really paid off… I don’t even know what CPR stands for. To think about it, it is important to learn CPR. You can never know when you will need it. I guess it is in our culture to ignore these kind of things. Hmm, maybe I will start learning it. Maybe Megan Fox can be my CPR dummy. Just as an added incentive..

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Have you heard about the dog, Chiko? Or maybe Kiko? Not really sure about the name but the dog was from Japan, famous for being very loyal. In fact, the dog’s loyalty is legendary. I first heard about the dog’s story in Mix.fm, in one of those advertisements/campaigns narrated by Jojo something (a VJ I think). And then I heard that the story of the dog will be made into a movie with Richard Gere in it. Wow, not bad for a dead Japanese dog. Apparently, a lot of people are touched by the story of this dog. The dog waited for his master/owner/whatever to return from work at a train station everyday, at a specific time without fail. One day the master died and obviously never come back ever again. But this dog kept on waiting as usual everyday at the same place until it died. And because of that the dog gained the status of legendary. Wow, loyalty huh? Will it be so twisted if I see it as stupid? Because I do see it as stupid. And I can’t believe anything would gain legendary status for their stupidity. Except for Forest Gump of course…

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Being mysterious is not the same as being cool. Having secrets is not the same as being cool. Some people think it is though. They want to be cool so they go as far as faking it. Can you imagine faking about having secret and being mysterious? It’s fine if you have secrets. Everybody has secrets. But the thing is, a secret is a secret. You don’t want other people to know about it, that is why it is called secret. Duh! But for the people who think it’s cool having secrets, they think it’s cool to make everyone else wonder about them having secrets. So they will be like “Ooh I have a secret, but I can’t tell you. I’m so cool because I have a secret that you don’t know”. If you have a secret and you don’t want anyone else to know about it, keep it to yourself. Why would you go around telling people that you have a secret? It’s stupid.
There, I’ve said it! Phew…

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I can’t wait for Mix.fm Dearly Deported to start. It’s the latest in the line of potentially cruel inhuman reality show to hit our country. The show offers you to be reunited with your love ones who you haven’t seen in at least 5 years, provided you managed to answer questions about that person correctly. While you answer these questions, you will get to see that person through a glass wall. But that’s all, you cannot go hug that person or say hi. You can only watch. After you’re done with the questions, depending on how you did, they will let you spend time with your love ones, with two weeks being the maximum. If you failed to answer any question, you won’t even get to say hi, they will send the person back to where ever he or she was from. Now you know what I mean by ‘potentially cruel inhuman’ show? But it is ok, we like to watch other people suffer and I’m sure Mix.fm will make a lot of money from this. That is why the show is ok, that is why the show is allowed.
One thing for sure, it will be fun!

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Something terrible happened to me last night. Until now I cannot believe that it actually happened. It was something that you read in the news, something that I always feel will only happen to somebody else. But it happened to me, and I cannot believe it. I’m actually lucky to be able to blog about this. That’s how unbelievable it was. But I can’t tell you, because it was just too amazingly unbelievable so I better keep it to myself as my deepest secret.
You see, now I’m cool, because you know I have a big secret but you can never know what it is. Boo hoo…

The Untold

It is a terrible feeling isn’t it, when you have to run away from happiness. You certainly don’t want to, but you have no choice, you just have to. A terrible, terrible feeling.

Imagine being happy in the moment with that warm tingling feeling, feeling appreciated, feeling that you belong. So you smile and laugh, your eyes bright and sparkle reflecting the warmth. Then you allow yourself to go deeper in the bliss without a care in the world. And you allow yourself to dream. You convince yourself that you can make it work and it is working, that you have a lot to give and can make it better, and that you are needed.

But somehow, in the middle of all that, when you are right at the peak of the happiness, when you are convince that this time it is for real, somehow, you manage to snap out of it. Sense comes rushing in. Logic and reality take their places. And you crash down so violently.

That’s when you feel it, the first of the terrible feeling. The pain, like a dagger through your heart. You feel it deep, the feeling of reality, and it just hurt so badly. You feel worthless and defeated.

Immediately you want to chuck away the feeling. You want it gone straight away. And because of that, you resort to anger. You cry foul. You choose to point finger. By any means, you want the feeling to go away.

And again reality takes place. The realisation of the truth hurts you more. The realisation that the finger should only point to you. It is unfair to be angry. So you keep on smiling. You try to maintain the bright sparkling eyes even though inside you are sinking.

You force a smile for the root of it all when it is right in front of you. You have no choice but to control the feelings you feel in the first place. You allow yourself to indulge in it for a little bit and at the same time you built up walls around you so you won’t get lost in the happiness. And it’s hard, so hard to pull yourself out every time you get too deep, but you just have to. Every time the happiness gets too overwhelming, you run away from it but only to be pull back in. And this keeps on happening, keeps on repeating. The longer it goes on, the more it keeps repeating, the harder it gets. And it is so hard.

The thought of saying goodbye for good cross your mind but you lack the strength to do it. You can’t muster enough courage and will power to say it out loud. Why? Because although you know it’s impossible, you can’t help but continue to hope that someday you won’t have to run anymore. Although it is ridiculous, your heart overrules your mind. You keep on hoping that one day you won't be allowed to run.

So you stay guarded within the walls you built to taste a bit of the happiness again, although you know well it is going nowhere. Even when you fully understand you will have to keep running, even when you know you have to keep disappointing your heart every time it gets too much.

And that's when the misery complete, that's when the terrible feeling complete. The terrible, terrible feeling.

All because the root of it all is so precious to you.

And it is so hard...

Awakening

I met an old friend this afternoon. I knew him from my school days, during this one tennis tournament. He beat me in a close match and we got along well after that. We stayed in touch and became quite close, until we lost contact a few years back. Never thought I would ever saw him ever again but it is a small world after all.

He didn’t change much. I recognised him instantly when I saw him. He was with this very pretty girl which I thought was his girlfriend. She was carrying a few plastic bags so I guess they were in the middle of their shopping.

Seeing me, he sent his girl away, telling her he wanted to do some catching up with me. She didn’t look please at first but after a few firm words from him, she obeyed.

We ended up having a drink, laughing at old stories and telling new ones to each other. One conversation led to another until he told me he has never been happier than he is now. The reason, he said confidently, “I made the best decision I have ever made. After I broke up with my long time girlfriend, I decided to stay single. And I've been single ever since.”

I asked him about the pretty girl and he told me, “No, she’s not my girlfriend. She is just one of the girls I’m having fun with right now.”

“Er, does she know that? She seems madly in love with you,” I asked him.

“That’s not my problem,” he said without any hesitation. “She’s a great girl and all, but I’m just looking for some fun. She makes me happy in more ways than one, if you know what I mean, but in the end she is just a girl.”

He then continued telling me, “You must be wondering what the hell happened that made me this way right? Actually nothing happened. I just woke up one morning feeling girls should be enjoyed and nothing else. So enjoying them I am!”

“And this really is making you happy?” I asked.

“Yes, happier than I have ever been,” he answered firmly.

“Are you going to call me a big bastard now?” He asked looking straight at me.

I looked straight back at him, paused a few seconds. Then I smiled and said, “Well, yes, you big bastard......well done...”

He smiled back, “I knew you would understand.”

We continued our conversation until the pretty girl came back, excitedly telling him, “Sayang, look what I got you. I bet you will look great in it!”

And we kept on smiling...

White Flag

Volatile heart is mine,
And true enough only volatile hearts linked to mine.
A curse or simply order of the world,
In the end we all get what we deserve.

My downfall is I remember too well,
The colours and the scent, all too well
All planted deep in my memory, unforgivingly,
Anchored by my hatred and wrapped in self pity.

I don’t mean to hang on to it too much,
But they keep on playing in my mind like a chant.
And no longer I know the right from the wrong,
Addled by bitterness my judgement is gone.

Oh how I long for the lost times,
When the heart was still smiling and calm,
How I’m tired of the lonely rainy days,
When even the mind has nothing to say.

I’m giving up, because I can’t see the point anymore.

Random Thoughts 2

I love Evanescence. I really like Amy Lee’s vocal, I like their lyrics and I like their style of music. I used to listen to them all the time. Not anymore though. I haven’t listened to them in quite a while, until last night when I couldn’t sleep and was bored to the bones. And last night, as soon as I heard the first note of one of their songs, I remembered why I’ve stopped listening to them. They remind me too much of the ‘happenings’. The pain, the fear, the loneliness….the craziness. Such a pity. Well I hope they will come out with a new album soon so I can link new memories to their songs.
But, do they even exist anymore?

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Puasa is coming soon and then raya. A bit of a cliché but I really feel it was only yesterday I grumpily woke up for sahur and then contemplating whether to go to terawikh or not. Like it was only yesterday I went to buy baju melayu at Semua House, where the salesgirl laughed at me because I can fit the baju well, but not the pants. Stupid girl. It will be interesting this coming puasa to see if I dare to come out with any resolutions like I did last year. Yup last year, when I spectacularly failed all my resolutions.
I think I’m going to spend a bit for this year’s raya. Not too much though, I have to save some money for Bruce, another major service is coming up. The last time I sent Bruce for a major service, I ended up paying over 1k!!

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My family always takes time out for a holiday at least once a year. We used to go more often than recent times, understandably as now everyone got busy with their own lives, so it’s really difficult to gather everyone at the same time. I’m hoping to get my way if we were going for another holiday. I want to go to Tasik Kenyir! I’ve been there once, when I was 7 I think. And until now I can remember how I was in a real awe with Kenyir. What made me so in awe was that I can’t believe how they had almost everything in the lake. At that time they had jungle tracking, waterfalls, and big islands. They had all kind of animals and I remember when during the jungle tracking we found an ‘elephant alley’. The guide told me elephant only uses their alleys to move around, they won’t just wonder and roam randomly. And the guide told me that’s why we can’t stay at an elephant alley for too long because of course, being in the way of rampaging wild elephants is never a good idea. But then again, the guy might have been bullshitting me, seeing how I was so eagerly interested and gullible.
Anyway, ever since then I’ve been dreaming to go back to Tasik Kenyir and hopefully I can go there soon. I heard that place is now ‘developed’ with resorts and more activities. I just hope they haven’t ruined it yet.

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Pre-season football is starting soon. Really, really can’t wait. I haven’t watched TV in a long time because there is no football (no Liverpool anyway). And when there is no football to watch, TV is just not worth it anymore… I hope Rafa will get it right this season. The way we played towards the end of last season was unbelievable. I will be very disappointed if he changed back to his defensive play. And I’m still hoping for David Silva. Slim chance I know, but he is what we need. Just get him in and we will be in for a shout again. The new season can’t come too soon for me!

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I cannot understand why ‘The Shield’ is not getting the recognition it deserves. For me, it is the best TV series ever, bar none. The script, the plot, the acting are all superb. It got a lot of hype and awards during its first and second season but then what happened? Don’t tell me they are just like the other series where the stories and plots got really messy. The Shield stayed consistent right till the end. I’ve finished watching the final season (season 7) and the ending was amazing. Looking back on it now, it’s incredible to see how they managed to control the story to still be realistic and not be over the top with the plot. And the acting in it is by far the best I’ve ever seen in a TV series. Nothing will ever come close to it, mark my word.