My Flaw - Because I Care

I have a flaw. Well I have many really, but one of my flaws is that I like to point out mistakes made by the people close to me. I just can’t let it go. Why? Let me try to explain how I see it.

If you see a curious two year old toddler playing with a knife, what would you do? I think the answer is quite obvious. We take away the knife because it is dangerous, and then we tell the toddler not to play with the knife again. We all know a toddler playing with knife could results in injury, and we know the toddler is not aware of the danger. That’s why we need to take the action, because the toddler doesn’t know better. There is no problem in dealing with that. It’s not complicated at all.

However, it gets complicated when instead of a ‘two year old toddler’, we have a fully mature grown up. And instead of a physical danger, it is a danger in other form.

You see, as we all get older, our ‘playing with knife’ change to something different, something that can bring different kind of cuts and bruises, and something vague with its danger. The knife that we play with could be anything. It could be a big life decision. It could be the way we perceive things or simply how we treat other people. It could be something that we don’t even realise wrong.

“Kuman seberang lautan…., gajah depan mata….”

That saying is true, but contrary to popular belief, it is not a bad thing. That’s just how it is. It’s not that we purposely turn a blind eye to our mistakes all the time. It’s just that sometimes, most of the times, we really can’t see it. We need others to point it out to us.

So when I see anyone that I care about being blissful to it, what do I do? I let it go for the first couple of times in hope the person will realise it, but if it keeps on happening, I tell that person off. Not because I think I'm better, not because I want to dictate that person life and not because I want to intrude, I just don’t want that person to get into trouble. That's why I just can't let it go.

Now I’m always the first one to hold my hands up and admit that I probably have more flaws than any guy next to me. But as I said, some of our mistakes are clearer for everyone else to see than us. Do you know how a joke between friends can results in one guy laughing out loud and the other feeling offended? Now the guy who laugh most of the time doesn’t realise he is being insensitive. That is one of the mistakes I’m talking about. You don’t need to be perfect to see it. I’m far from perfect but I’m not totally blind to rights and wrongs.

But pointing mistakes often brings trouble. People will get offended. They will tell you to mind your own business. They will accuse you as being nosy and intruding. They will say ‘Hey you’re not without flaws you know, do you want me to list it down?”

Actually, to my friends, yes. If you care about me that is. Please do that. Whatever my flaws are, I want to know, so I can at least try to change it so I won't get into trouble because of it. And if I don’t agree with my alleged flaws, I want to be able to put it straight and defend myself.

Intention is the key here.

The point is not to make other people bow to your acceptable standard of behaviour. The point is to make them realise they might be in the wrong, and what they do might cause them ‘unpleasantness’ in the future. *It is a view from outside the bubble*. When you’ve done that and they say, "Ok I understand what you’re saying but I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, I know what I’m doing", then fair enough. Just let it be.

When someone criticises you, don’t go straight jumping your gun. Think first. Try to see if that person is being sincere or just out to get you. Is that person trying to humiliate you or trying to save you from humiliation? Take it from there.

Don’t agree with me? Then think about this, why does Rafael Nadal need a coach? Unless his coach is Pete Sampras, what can the coach possibly teach Nadal? He is untouchable at the moment but still it doesn’t mean he has no room to improve.

I care for the ones dearest to me. That’s why I will always say it when I feel my dearest are in the wrong. Rather than letting them being talked about behind their back, being hated and despised, I’d prefer them to be angry at me for a while.

Because like I said, I care. If I stopped doing it, it means I no longer care.

*Copyright The Notebook

3rd of June

It’s here. The special day is here. It’s the 3^rd of June, one of the most important days of the year (after 21^st Oct of course). What makes today so special? Read on.

The ancient tribe of Mayan civilization celebrated ‘Poohalai’ day on 3^rd of June every year. ‘Poohalai’ is the name of their river goddess, the most powerful of Mayan’s gods, so Poohalai day was arguably the most important day for the Mayan.

It was rumoured that Shakespeare completed the most celebrated love story ever, Romeo & Juliet, on one 3rd June (sorry can't remember the year).

In October 1957, Soviet launched the first of its revolutionary satellite series, Sputnik. Rumour has it that the scientist who was instrumental in developing Sputnik’s technology completed the blueprint of the satellite on 3^rd June 1956 (hence the first Sputnik was nicknamed ‘36’). Sputnik went on to totally change aerospace technology.

Do you know that the internet was invented for the US army? During the cold war, espionage was at its peak. Countless communication strategies were used to make sure sensitive and vital information managed to reach the intended target safely and US army successfully used internet for this purpose (don’t ask me how). After the cold war was over, due to its massive potential, internet was made available to public. And guess what, the day they officially made it public was 3^rd of June, 1993 I think.

Perhaps the most effortlessly beautiful actress ever to grace the silver screen is Scarlett Johansson. She has that messy hair thing going on all the time, coupled with the almost non-existent make-up on her face, yet her beauty still clearly shines through. Amazing! And again, guess what, she made her acting debut on 3^rd June 1995!

3^rd June seems to be a very special day, isn’t it? So many extraordinary events happened on this day. However, the events above are only the small parts that make today a very special day.

What makes today a truly special and important day is this other event that happened 27 years back. 3^rd June 1982, around 5.40pm, in Hospital Bersalin Kuala Lumpur, a beautiful baby girl was born.

Everyone was born with something unique about them. For this baby girl, she had that gift of love, in both giving and accepting. There is something about her that make love flourish. Imagine a field full of green grass and beautiful flowers, that’s her heart.

27 years on, in her own way, the baby girl has filled so many lives with soul, and many hearts with love, including mine.

So to that 3^rd June 1982 baby girl, have a happy birthday. May you have all your wishes fulfilled but one, so you will always have at least one thing to keep striving for.

Happy Birthday!

Important notice - Use the facts in this posting at your own peril!

Six Feet Under

I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy. Or feeling that everything is going to be ok, no matter what deep shit I was in. I used to be so optimistic. I used to think that however twisted the situation I faced, everything somehow was going to fall into place. I was convinced that the universe has pre-set my life to have a happy ending. Blind optimism.

Now I'm thinking I might never get to look back to my life feeling proud. I won't be able to say, 'Look, I could or could not have done better with my life, but nobody can say I didn't live it to the fullest and gave it my best shot.'

Why am I suddenly thinking about this? Well over breakfast today, my mum told me about this friend of my family and how he is having a tough life. He must be close to 50 years old right now. I remember him. He is the son of a canteen operator at the school my dad used to teach. He is a nice guy, an honest, hardworking guy. I used to think he was really cool and I kind of looked up to him. Now, he is finding life quite difficult.

So I sat there listening to my mum telling me about him while stuffing my face and thought, if a guy like that having it tough right now, how will I have it in 10 years time? How about in 20 years time? 30 years?

I feel like right now my life is going nowhere. I have no plans. I made fun of myself, in hope I won’t be too miserable thinking about my life direction. I have no guts. People have told me countless times never to give up. Well I don’t think they have to worry about that. I’m too embarrassed to even feel like ‘giving up’, because quite simply I feel I don’t have the right to it. I mean how can I give up when I have never even tried in the first place?

Funny isn't it, when I realise my life is going downhill (I can even blog about it for god's sake) and still I let it be. To make it worse, I certainly know where I'm going wrong, I know what I should do to make it right but I'm just not doing it!

Why? I'm sorry, I have no answer to that...

Mother's Day Rant

I don’t get mother’s day. What is it about? Is the point of the day to celebrate the birth of mothers all over the world? Surely not. Each mother has their own birthday. They are not like Agong, once they become mothers their birthdays are fixed to one day, a day pegged to mothers only.

Or maybe it is to celebrate the day women become mothers. What a beautiful thought, but that can’t be the point. I can’t imagine if women can only get pregnant on one pre-set day. I could only see chaos.

So what is the point?

It is a day to celebrate mothers you idiot. It’s the day where we give them the appreciation they are due. Before you try to be a smart ass and be corny, no, this is not the only day we should show them love, this is not the only day we should appreciate them. This is the day dedicated to just mothers, so they will receive more love then any other days. This is their day. By having this day, we are teaching our young ones to appreciate mothers more. Don’t try to ruin it by being a smart ass. You might think you are being clever but trust me you’re only being a cliché.

Hmm, good point. Final nail on the coffin that. Maybe I should shut up now..

I won’t though and I’m not trying to be a smart ass here. I just really don’t get it.

Mother’s day is being too commercialised that the very objective of it is becoming one of the reasons mothers get less and less respect nowadays. It’s all good when you want to teach the young ones the value of showing appreciation and love towards mothers. But for me it is not being done in the right way. No explanation is given to the young ones (or not enough). They are told to do cards, buy gifts and give hugs and kisses to their mothers on the day ‘because mother’s day is a very special day and it is a day where we should all show our mothers how much we love them’.

I’m far too lazy to explain right now but I can see one day, on any other day, when they are told to clean the house, do the laundry and buy that nice bag for their mothers, they will go ‘Why? Her birthday will only be in six months and today is not a mother’s day”.

What I’m saying here is, mothers are special people that should be appreciate every single day, not just for one day, and that fact should be highlighted more. Unfortunately, for me, mother’s day will contribute to the exact opposite of that, and that is a pity.

Such a nice concept, such a nice theory but the applications of it are bull. For me mother’s day is nothing more than a scam, just like Valentine’s Day. They just want to make money out of it. I mean, how in the world is ‘Anugerah Mummy Bestari’ supposed to make you appreciate your mother more? Some people will use any reason to party! The day is becoming more important then mothers. We don’t celebrate mothers, we celebrate the day.

And what amuses me more is nowadays we have many who says ‘You don’t celebrate mother’s day? Man, what kind of son are you?’. For them, this is a very important day. Let’s stone and use sharp stick to stab people who ignore it. Sigh.

I can’t remember in my school days ever to celebrate the day. However, someone decided to make more money out of the day so they started telling Malaysians how even the Himalayan celebrates this day massively and that we were being primitive idiots for not doing the same. We then thought 'Wow the whole world, and most importantly the ‘mat saleh’ celebrate the day so we must too, because we want to be seen as trendy as them'. So here we are right now, we jumped on the bandwagon so we will be trendy. And we wanted our kids to be trendy as well. So that’s what we did. We told them to make cards for mummy, and think our job is done.

It’s like when you portray yourself as someone’s friend and you buy that person expensive birthday gifts and birthday treats, but then you ignore that friend for the rest of the year. That’s not nice, isn’t it?

I pray to God it won’t be like that with our mothers. It is fine to celebrate mother’s day as long as you realise the significance of it. Take note of the spelling. It’s mother’s, not mothers’. Think about it.

Round & Round

I am sitting in front of my newly bought netbook right now, trying hard to figure out what to write about. I just can’t think of anything to write. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, nothing to share or whine on anymore; trust me, I have lots in my mind. If someone crack open my brain at this very moment, all kind of things will pour out. And I mean all kind of things; if you look hard enough you will probably find your bank account balance in there. (Don’t ask, I’m not going to explain it!)

So what is going on? Why am I finding it hard to write?

If I’m honest enough with myself, I know the answer. Of course I know the answer.

I’m simply tired of being wrong.

I am 30 years old now. With the things I’ve experienced, I thought I have learned a lot. And naturally when you learn a lot, you know a lot. But I don’t think I know anything at all. I keep doing the same mistakes over and over again. The more I see, hear and feel, the more confuse I get. When I think I’ve toughen up, that I’ve become stronger, I actually am still weak.

You know how scientists record their experiments on journals (or at least that’s how movies portray scientists), how they record their findings for future reference? The scientist will go something like, “this is Dr X, May 8^th, 2009. Today, 5 months after relinquishing his post as the president, I can confirm that George Jr’s brain finally showing sign of mild activity”.

Well this blog is like my experiment journal. Only it is a life experiment journal, not science (obviously). I express my feelings and my thoughts through this blog. Every time I think I have learned something, I will write it here. When I write it, I truly believe it. Unfortunately for me, I’m always wrong. And later when I find out what I write is nothing more then a load of bull, it disappoints me to no end.

I’m tired of being wrong, and I don’t want to be reminded about it anymore. That’s why I haven’t been writing much. I no longer care.

So, tired of being wrong and not caring are the reasons I’m writing less and less. OR, I’m just plain lazy. That is not so far fetched. I am lazy. What I wrote in the six paragraphs above was just me being a drama queen. Hmm..

Whatever!