Stripping Me

I’m free falling.

I used to be this innocent naïve guy who viewed the world as all nice, dandy & beautiful. When I saw and heard of bad things, I feel that it was extremely unlucky for whoever the bad things fall upon, I feel it was a one in a million thing and bad things only happen to bad people. And bad things will never ever happen to me.

Now, I have change. Things happened to me, awful things. I may still be naïve, but I’m certainly not innocent anymore. I don’t see the world as all nice, dandy & beautiful any longer. When bad things happened, I will say shit happens. Bad things happened to everyone all the time. You can do all the good that you want but you will still be cursed.

Some people may see that as being realistic. Being realistic is not that bad, isn’t it? Yes, it’s not a bad thing on its own but when you use it to gain sympathy or to get attention for yourself, it becomes dangerous. And I fear that I’m doing it now, using my tragedies to take advantage of people. Most people still see me as an innocent & naïve guy who made mistakes, and I’m using that to benefits me.

The things I swore I will never do are now somewhat part of the norm to me. I swore I will never play with hearts but I think I did that. I manipulate. I acted like I’m a caring sort of guy who is just there to help, to make sure others won't make the same mistakes as mine. In truth, I probably am just going for what I want, my own agenda. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing all this purposely. I’m saying I might do all this without knowing or realising it. But that doesn’t make it ok. The most terrible and dangerous thing is to be evil without even realising it. I genuinely believe that Hitler did all the inhumane thing to the Jews while thinking he was doing the world a favour. That doesn’t make him less evil now does it?

One of my favorite topics to talk about is on hypocrites. I will tell people I’m the biggest hypocrite alive and I will make it sound like I was dead serious. Of course then they will think that no hypocrites will admit that they are. It’s the reverse psychology, just to confuse people up. They will first think I’m serious because I will say it seriously, but after a while they will conclude that I’m not. And again I’m not doing this purposely. When I say those words, that I’m a hypocrite, I will feel that I’m warning them about me. But deep inside I know the real reason. I’m just manipulating, to get people trust.

I’m an angry person. But I don’t lash my anger out to everyone. My colleagues, they see me as a nice, quiet and patient guy who is harmless and mean no harm to anyone. And yes, that is how I am at work but not because that’s who I really am. I just don’t feel comfortable with people I’m not close to. To the people I’m close to however, I will have no qualms in showing my anger to them. The more comfortable I feel with them, the more of the real me will surface. I hurt the ones who I ironically care about the most.

Like I said, the things that I swore to never do is now fairly the norm to me. I’ve become this horrible monster that I’m afraid to admit. Once I told a friend if it gets out of control, just kill me. It’s certainly getting out of control now.

I have change a lot, and I don’t like what I have become.