Patches

The night is hitting the dawn
And I just said I love you
To a girl I’m not in love with
To a girl I might even hate
All because I have the time
And she has the freedom

Told her to put the glass down
‘Cause in killing the mess
She is killing the sweetness
Though I know fully well
There is nothing sweet at all
In something so tragically fake

I’m seeing through it all now
I’m seeing past all the shows
All the tears all the dramas
The ‘look at me but stay away’ plea
The desperate loony in her thinking
Tragedies make life interesting

But all that are too late
For I still wish I can do more for her
I still wish I can rebuild the world
So it won’t hurt her anymore
I wish I have it in me to take her
To where her heart can smile again

And I still think we can heal each other
Help steer each other’s path ahead
Safely away from the threatening storm
I still think we’ll be happy together
That we will be lovely together
Simple, brilliant, perfect together

The day is hitting the dusk
And I just said I love you
To a girl I’m not in love with
To a girl I might even hate
Probably because I have the time
While she has the freedom

My Friends

My friends are so depressed
I feel the question of your loneliness
Confide...'cause I'll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will

Ex-girlfriend called me up
Alone and desperate on the prison phone
They want to give her seven years
For being sad

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

My friends are so distressed
And standing on the brink of emptiness
No words I know of to express
This emptiness

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

Imagine me, taught by tragedy
Release is peace

I heard a little girl
And what she said was something beautiful
To give your love no matter what
Is what she said

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

Red Hot Chili Peppers
One Hot Minute, 1995

A Different Twist

I failed you didn’t I
When you turned to me for help
Expected me to stand in front
And I failed you

Hope can be a burden
You put the full weight of it on me
And I crumbled
Like a quicksand like a sinkhole
Sucking you down
Deeper into the twilight

Maybe it would have been different
If I were the anchor
Stopping you from drifting further
Not the deceptive wind
Who blew you aimlessly away

You were free
Only to be caged again
You were running
Towards the wrong direction
And I failed you

And with that
The rage grew bigger
To conceal the guilt
To place the blame
Just so the finger pointed away
The bitterness shadowed the reality

Forgive me precious
For I have failed you
Forgive me princess
So I can let you go

A Man Called Ma

Some saw him as evil. Some said he was sadistic. Some thought he was nothing but a bully. Most of the time he was so mean and cold, and my best friend absolutely hated him. However, there were some who told me he was a great friend. Many more acknowledged his brilliance in his work. As for me, until today, I still cannot make up my mind on how I feel about him.

A hard man to please, he set a high standard for his staff to follow and demanded ridiculous amount of effort to make sure everything goes to plan. One thing I can say, he was certainly full of character.

He was my boss at my previous job. The latest happenings in my current work place, coupled with a quick look at my life right now brings my memory back to him. I see my relationship with him as quite strange. On the surface, I didn’t like him too much and he didn’t seem to like me too much either. However, and I don’t know if I am just imagining it, I felt that he for some reason genuinely really wanted to mould and guide me in my work, in his own sadistic and mean way of course. I’m not saying the normal guidance a superior gives to his staff. I think it was more than that.

I don’t really have any incidents to share to show why I feel the way I feel. There were a few incidents of course, but I can only vaguely recall them. They will mean nothing if I try to tell it here.

But one of the few things that I do remember was that one of the highest compliments I got for my writing was from him. He very rarely complimented anyone personally and directly, and true to form (and ironically as well), I got that compliment from him when he berated me about my work, about a newsletter I wrote. He clearly wasn’t happy with it and while shaking his head with angry face, he said, “Hazri, when you are good, you are really good. But when you are bad, you are really bad. I have no time for work like this.” He then proceeded to strike off the newsletter I printed with his red pen, jotted down a few pointers and asked me to re-do it.

Forgive me when what he said there made me feel like I was floating. Forgive me because I only focus on ‘when you’re good…” part and completely ignoring the “when you’re bad…” part, because coming from him, that was as big a compliment as it gets.

Another incident I had with him, which I don’t think I will ever forget, was during my appraisal. At that time I was a real mess. Work pressure and the pressure from being in a relationship with a ridiculously demanding girlfriend really got to me. My work suffered, badly. And I guess he saw that. And what made it worst was my contract was almost finished. With my bad work performance, plus the restructuring of my department that was happening then, I expected my contract to not be renewed. Hell, I myself won’t even renew my contract! I was that bad!

So I filled my appraisal form as honest as I can and in the end I can only gave myself a ‘3C’, with the worst possible rating a ‘4D’. ‘3C’ was a big decrease from my previous agreed rating, a ‘2B’. At first I wanted to change it so it can at least hit ‘3B’ but because I just couldn’t care less at that time, I just let it be.

So when my turn came to face him for the appraisal, I did so emotionless, like a zombie. I sat in front of him, passed him my completed appraisal form and sat quietly while waiting for him to go through it. I fully expected an earful lecture from him about how my performance dipped terribly. About how I’m not meeting his lowest acceptable standard. But to my astonishment, he suddenly burst into a big laugh.

“3C huh? I couldn’t agree more!” he said.

Then, to my bigger astonishment, he put the form aside and asked me, “Hazri, kenapa you ni?”

He looked me straight into my eyes and told me to forget about the appraisal.

“Let’s talk about you,” he said. “Do you have anything to let me know?”

Still astonished, I kept seating in my seat quietly, motionless, meeting his eyes with a blank stare.

Seeing that I’m not saying anything, he said, “Ok then, let me do the talking. You listen to me and listen well!”

So off he went. He told me about getting my priorities right. About doing things at the rate that I can handle. Do not rush things. Think about what I want. Know what I want. Don’t bite more than I can chew.

I remember seating there, horrified, because I knew exactly what he was saying and where he was going. He was talking about my personal relationship. He was telling me that he can see how I was suffering, how my relationship with my girlfriend was killing me and everyone in the office can see it! I was so embarrassed, I felt so pathetic. I never thought anyone could tell that I was suffering.

He continued on talking until he told me about how he made his choice (he didn’t elaborate on what exactly the choice was), about making sacrifice and how his ex girlfriend was not happy about the choice he made. Then he stopped and let a loud sigh out. That part about his girlfriend was a slipped, that was clear. But whether the slipped was because he didn’t mean to let anyone know about his past experience with his girlfriend; or because he didn’t plan to use the word ‘girlfriend’, in fear I would think he crossed the line by intruding into my private life, I’m not sure. But what he said next, almost made my tears flowed out.

“Listen to me Hazri, take it from me who has been through all this before. Trust me, this is not that difficult. This is not that complicated. You might think that it is now, but later in life you will see it differently. All you have to do is make your choice now. Make a firm choice. Think this through. Decide what your priorities are. Delay things that you can delay for now. Forget about other people, think of yourself first.”

“Don’t worry about your contract. I’m offering you a new one. I want you to stay but you will have to improve from here. And go fill a new form. Make it a 3B…. Ok we are done here.”

With that, I quickly got up and walked out from his room. I didn’t want him to see me cry…

Fast forwarded a couple of months later, my girlfriend became my ex, my work suffered even more, I looked terrible all the time, and my boss disappointment in me hit an all time high.

And one night, staying back to finish a newsletter, I said fuck off to his face.

Long story short, it was approaching 10pm, I’ve done a newsletter but I had to wait for him to come back to office so he can approve it that night, because the newsletter needed to go out first thing the next morning.

And he was being his normal ass self, making me wait for so long that night just to wait for his approval. And when he came back to the office, he ridiculed my work (which was so clearly unjustified because I did well, but I’m not getting into it right now), and ask me to re-do it. That’s when I said, “Fuck off, I’m sorry but my brain is not working tonight.” Then I stormed out.

The next morning, I gave him my resignation letter.

He might think I resigned because of what happened the previous night, because we never talked about it. But the truth is, I’ve planned to resign on that day two weeks earlier. I have even sought advice on resigning from my HR friend earlier than that, and he told me to resign on that day. It got nothing to do with the ‘fuck off’ incident. But I bet until today my boss still thinks I resigned because of it.

So those were my experiences with him. Maybe I could’ve gone into more details, especially about the ‘fuck off’ and the resigning bit but writing this is really draining my energy out and I’m so tired right now. Maybe I’ll add more on those bits later. For now, I just hope in reading this, no one will jump to a conclusion on who was right who was wrong. That’s not my intention in writing this. I just want to share my experiences that I had with him because my current work situation is making my mind going back to all this.

I said earlier that I still couldn’t make my mind up on what I think of him, but that is not important. Whatever he was, there is no denying that a large chunk of what I know about my job today came from him. I met him when I was zero, he gave me a chance, I took it and I learned a lot. So for that, I thank you, Mr Ma. I hope I will be able to apply the lessons about work and life that I got from you better. I hope I will not let it go to waste.

Thank you for everything...

Hey, How Are You?

It’s hard to go on when deep down you feel the same ache for years. It’s not a pain anymore, it’s an ache. An ache derived from many things, but born from the same source, hopelessness.

I’ve felt it for so long that I don’t even have the energy to talk about it anymore. No point. When I am seen, I smile, I laugh and I talk about my plans tomorrow. I tell them what I want to do, what I want to get, and where I want to go. And while all that, smiling and telling them my plans, I feel the ache so deep inside that it won’t and it can’t reflect through my expressions any longer. My smiles are genuine. When I laugh I’m not faking it. But the smiles and laugh are entangled with the ache. I can smile and laugh all I want but they will never be enough to lessen the ache.

When I am not seen, when I am all alone, I still laugh and I still smile. But they are directed to myself, at how I am now. And the ache remains there. I can’t even get down on my knees with head in hands, crying my heart out, without feeling I have no right to all that anymore. That I’m just bullshitting myself.

So this, what I’m doing now is the only thing I can think of that can cushioned the hit from the ache. I’ve written a lot of things that I can’t get myself to actually put it out, because they are too blunt and they will come across as too dramatic. But in this one I hope I managed to pour out how I really feel without the drama. I’m not asking for sympathy from anyone. I’m not even asking for help. I just need to let it out so I will be understood, and not be looked upon strangely. I just need to let it out and I like to think of this blog as my amnesty, no matter what I say.

Anyway, I’m writing this because today I was asked “Hey, how are you?”. The genuine ‘how are you’, from a friend who I talk to (chat with) everyday. To a friend that I tell all my problems and feelings to (well most of it anyway).

I was told that I didn’t sound too good, and this was through a chat session. I don’t sound too good from a chat. “What’s wrong,” she asked. Out of the blue, when we were chatting normally, while she was telling me about her work, while I was trying to help her with her work. I could’ve sworn I was being my normal self. Not even once I complaint or whine about anything but still she said I didn’t sound too good. Still, out of the blue, in the middle of our conversation about her report she has to do, she asked “Hey, how are you?”.

I guess what I’m trying to do here is to thank her for asking me the simple yet heartfelt question, and at the same time I’m trying to answer her because I didn’t say much when she asked me . I appreciate it very much and it did make me feel better.

So the next time you ask someone 'how are you', mean it, because it can really make a difference.

Deserted

Allow me to hope
You will be in my dreams
As my reality is taboo to you
You are becoming elusive
When once I had you
Firmly in my grips

If I’m allowed one question
Why are you staying away
Even on my sunniest of days
I resent seeing you with them
While I’m standing on the side
Struggling with the tide

I cannot go on without you
All I’m asking for are moments
Not eternity, not without ends
How can you be there for them
Even when they are crying
Yet not me, even when I’m laughing

So allow me to hope
You will be in my dreams
As my reality is taboo to you
And if it's not too big a dream
One day I’ll have you again
Firmly in my grasp.

Filtering Idiocy

So, porn filter for our internet huh? Should I cry, or should I applaud it? It seems that many, many people are against it. They have their reasons of course and one of the reasons (the most valid reason imho) is because they fear the government would use the filtering for more than just porn. DS Dr Rais Yatim swiftly responded by giving assurance that the filtering will strictly be for porn, and porn only.

Now if we leave it at that, then we will all live happily ever after. Our children (ehem) will be safe and guarded from the bad influence that is porn. We will be free from pornographic culture, say DS Dr Rais Yatim. The problem is though, not many people will leave it at that, because the problem here is about trust. People do not trust government anymore. Whatever they do or say will be met with skeptical feedback. In this case, even though DS Dr Rais Yatim has given his assurance, people still think government will use the filtering system to suffocate everyone and everything that is against government. This is what I feel the government just doesn’t get. The trust is gone, completely! The sooner they realise this the better. The sooner they realise it, the sooner they can fix the dwindling support they receive. Maybe then they will stop losing elections.

Anyway, I’m not going to talk about our government here. And I’m not going to talk about the filtering plan. Instead, I’m going to talk about getting your message across without losing your class and without losing respect. See below.



Now if you need pointing out, I have a problem, a very big problem, with minute 2.10 until 2.45.

What in the world is that? Seriously, what in the world is that?

I am a supporter of the government. It pains me to see DS Anwar Ibrahim getting so much support. It pains me to see how it is fashionable to hate government now. You want to be cool, you support DS Anwar. That’s how bad things are right now.

And I’m a supporter of our national language, Bahasa Melayu (or is it Bahasa Malaysia? Sort it out DBP, and stick with it. Don’t keep changing it!) If you don’t believe me, ask my friends. Ask my family. Some of them will even tell you I’m a nationalist! And read one of my postings, Random Thoughts. Trust me, I’m very unhappy with the status of our national language now.

So I am not being a one eyed biased opposition when I feel he was way out of order there. He has a point, I couldn’t agree with him more. My problem is with his arrogant, classless approach to it.

I just cannot understand why he chose to be so arrogant. His facial expression, the look of disgust. The “Where were you educated?” question. The way he ridiculed the reporter by mimicking ‘mat saleh slang’. Absolutely no need for all that. Couldn’t he just tell the reporter in a polite but firm way to speak in Bahasa? He is after all our current Information, Communications, Culture and Arts Minister. He should at the very least know how not to look like a twat in a press conference.

Now I understand he might hold Bahasa very close to his heart and because of that he reacted emotionally and irrationally. He was one of the very vocal voices that didn’t agree with PPSMI and I respect him for that. So I’m guessing here he wants what is best for Bahasa. But pushing people away is not the way. Making people hate you is not that way. How will people listen to you if they hate you? It's common sense. You can be firm and classy at the same time. In that press conference he was so classless I'm actually ashamed to admit I see him as the better leaders out there.

I have said it many times, too many people talk about ‘English’ but no one talks about ‘Bahasa’. Bahasa is being (deliberately?) left to die. It’s getting worse and worse but still no one talks about the need to revive Bahasa. No one talks about the need to give back the respect that Bahasa deserves. So if DS Dr Rais Yatim really cares about it, he needs to do something about this. He is one of the senior, more respected figure in our government, surely he can act on it. Acting the big man like he did in that press conference won’t do any good.

So what can anyone do for a dying language that many claimed to have no relevance in the world today? I admit it is a difficult subject to get into. But no pain no gain right? I was told that foreigners who want to work in Sweden must enroll in Swedish class (or is it applicants for citizenship?). It is the law there. Honestly I don’t know how it is with us here but I bet we don’t have any laws or rules similar to that. (If I’m wrong I stand corrected).

I’m sure there are other ways that we can use to revive Bahasa. And I’m sure our smart leaders can think of the ways, if they put their efforts in. To be or not to be, that’s how I see it.

I don’t expect miracles in all this but I want to at least see some one who matters, in our world class government, to start making noises about Bahasa, not just English.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Love Poetry

Sometimes you are the definition of simplicities,
To think what I write is my exact reflection,
When my little fingers tapping the keys,
Often only to fill the void, as a relaxation.

Now you don’t always get it wrong,
As your hunch can be eerily accurate,
But in this you can’t possibly be more wrong,
Because they are just made ups, things I create.

So say it no matter how many times,
You can spin it in any ways you want,
Point your fingers to me until they are numb,
The fact is I’m just having a bit of fun.

And just to prove that I’m right.
I’m not going to write her love poetry,
Not now, not this time, not tonight,
Simply because you expect me to, sweetie.

I’m not going to write her love poetry,
‘Cause you want me to,
As you expect me to..
:p

Inspired by 'Love Song', Sara Bareilles...

The Beautiful Ones

Baby, baby, baby
Whats it gonna be
Baby, baby, baby
Is it him or is it me?
Dont make me waste my time
Dont make me lose my mind baby

Baby, baby, baby
Cant u stay with me tonight
Oh baby, baby, baby
Dont my kisses please u right
U were so hard 2 find
The beautiful ones, they hurt u everytime

Paint a perfect picture
Bring 2 life a vision in ones mind
The beautiful ones
Always smash the picture
Always everytime

If I told u baby
That I was in love with u
Oh baby, baby, baby
If we got married
Would that be cool?

U make me so confused
The beautiful ones
U always seem 2 lose

Baby, baby,
Baby, baby,
Baby, baby,
Baby,
Whats it gonna be baby?

Do u want him?
Or do u want me?
Cause I want u
Said I want u
Tell me, babe
Do u want me?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Do u want me?
Baby, baby, baby
Listen 2 me
I may not know where Im going (babe)
I said I may not know what I need
One thing, one things 4 certain baby
I know what I want, yeah
And if it please u baby
Please u, baby
Im begging down on my knees
I want u
Yes I do
Baby, baby, baby, baby
I want you

Yes I do

Mariah Carey
Butterfly 1997

Random Thoughts 4

Above is the mental note I made to myself because although I know I’ve gained a lot of weight, I still look for my previous size when I’m trying out clothing. Stupidity to the max. Stupidity that leads to indescribable frustration when I’m in the dressing room. Stupidity that was born out of denial. So I hope after this when I’m choosing clothing off the rack, I’ll look straight for my new undesired size, because I’ve made that mental note for myself.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I’m thinking to get a new car in the near future. I’ve made a shortlist of the cars that I would like to have. Caldina, Hyundai i30, Peugeot 407 and Volkswagen Golf. Unfortunately I can’t afford any of those so I tossed the list away. Looks like it will be either Persona or Neo. I LOVE Neo when it first came out but I think I’m too old for it now (sigh). So Persona it is then. I’ve already browsed a few forums to see what people think of it and although complaints about stupid poor quality of Proton interior still dominated, surprisingly quite a few people claimed Persona drives better on highway than Honda City. Hmmm…..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Do you know the saying ‘Love the one who loves you’ ? (Or something like that). I think it is an incredibly stupid saying. If everyone follows the saying, no one will be in love. Everyone will only wait for the others to fall in love first. So everyone will stay single. Do you see how stupid it is?

“Why aren’t you in love?”
“Because no one loves me. We can only love the one who love us, remember?”
“But they are also waiting for you to love them first!”
“Yup, that’s the problem.”

Incredibly stupid!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I wanna quit smoking but I honestly don’t know if I can do it. It’s getting worse for me, I’m now depending on it to make sure my day doesn’t suck. (Hmm, I have to rephrase that, I’m now depending on cigarettes to minimize the suckiness of my day). I read somewhere that one of the steps to quit smoking is that you need to gradually reduce the frequency of it, that every time you feel the urge to smoke, try to delay it for as long as you can. Well I’m trying that now, but my god, I got really grumpy when I delay it! I seriously cannot control how angry I get. I know that it is the urge that making me angry but still every little thing just make me feel like headbutting the wall! I’m worried about how I’m going to cope with it this coming puasa. It was bad for me last year and now that I’m getting worse, this year promises to be a torture. Wish me luck!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The show ‘Secrets of Magicians Revealed’ is a bit like a reflection of my life right now (dramatic I know). What I mean is, every time they play the teaser for that show I really can’t wait to watch it. How magicians make the girl floats and then cut her into 2, how magicians make an elephant disappear right in front of our eyes and how magicians do that ‘magic door’ trick where suddenly out of nowhere a whole group of people can come out from behind the door when just seconds before there was nothing behind it. So the teaser always make me wait for the show excitedly and when I finally get to watch it, when I finally understand how magicians do their tricks, I got bitterly disappointed. Suddenly those tricks seem too simple too stupid. The mystery is gone and I regret watching it. It’s the mystery that I want, figuring it out is what attracts me. Once the mystery is gone, once I figured it out, I lost interest, I got disappointed and I feel stupid. Once I have it it my hands it bores me to death.
I need to be carefull about this.

Endless

*To fully appreciate this poem, read it to the tune of the song that kids sing when they are playing jump rope or something like that. I hope you know what I mean...

Round and round and round it goes,
How it will end well no one knows,
Bigger higher deeper it grows,
Stronger and faster down to the toes.

Been holding on to what they told me,
Keep believing and surely you’ll see,
Nothing to worry it will be easy.
Hold your ground and don’t act silly.

So wait and wait and wait I did,
Head down brave face gritted teeth,
Smiling laughing full of wit,
But in the night is when it hits.

Deep in the night it hits me in waves,
The tide that swept me to the edge of the grave,
And deep in the night I’m nothing but a slave,
Of my own memories that I once craved.

But humbly still I wait and wait,
And humbly still I’m keeping the faith,
One day all will be fully paid,
Like they told me like they said.

Round and round and round it goes,
When it will end well I don’t know…

50 Questions

Shamelessly stolen from Reading Ayu...

1.Your name spelled backwards.

Irzah. Pretty name. I’m still working on getting my friends to name their daughters that.

2. Where were your parents born?
Don’t know. I don’t know anything about my parents. How old they are, the year they got married, etc2. I should get an award for being the most useless son ever.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Mariah Carey’s Butterfly. The best album ever. Brings back the memory.

4. What's your favourite restaurant?
Don’t know. I don’t think I have one. KFC maybe… Shut up!

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
3-4 years back maybe? Bad news for all you girls out there, I may never again swim in a pool.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yes, in this slapstick Ultraman play. Do you know the version of Ultraman where it needs a guy and a girl to combine to become one? That was me! Err, as the guy I mean, not the girl.

7. How many kids do you want?
Two. A boy and a girl.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Dangdut. Funnily enough I recently referred to my style of writing as ‘the dangdut of writing’.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes. Voted for the opposition even though I’m a supporter of the government.

10. Are you homesick?
I wish. Trust me, I wish I am. :-(

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Now why would I want to do that?

12. Ever prank call anybody?
Stop giving me ideas!

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Yes, and I ain’t paying.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Only if my life depends on it.

15. Furthest place you ever travelled?
Anfield. On a big European night, with the Kop going all out with the flag day (through the idiot box of course).

16. Do you have a garden?
I used to have one of those little cacti in the little pot. Does that count?

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Calvin & Hobbes, Baby Blues, Dilbert.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
I even know Rukun Negara, Negeri Sembilan anthem and that ‘Setia’ song.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, morning and night, all the time. Because I'm lazy.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I love you man.

21. Favorite pizza topping?
I don’t know. But I sure don’t like the Tandoori topping. Ridiculous.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Popcorn.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Err… This is what I get for answering 'chicks' questions.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
I didn’t even know it was possible.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
I’ve been in a ‘Pakaian Beragam’ contest while in kindergarten, dressed as a baby. Complete with botol susu and puting. I lost. Stupid judges.

26. Orange or Apple juice?
Apple I guess.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
With my friend from Subang. Dinner at uptown SA.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Snickers. By far!

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
The last election.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
How about never?

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes. My biggest trophy (literally) has got to be the one I won in my school tennis tournament. It was only a school tournament, but my god our coach really like to glamorise us, hence the very huge inappropriate trophy.

32. Are you a good cook?
I roasted grasshoppers a few times when I was a kid. Then I fed them to the ants. I guess the ants would say I was a good cook.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Yes. It’s not rocket science.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
I think I ordered one thing for my mum. Can’t remember what it was.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
Are there any difference?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
No. But I have a friend who does. Loser!

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
A brush you use for showering. A God sent!

38. Ever throw up in public?
Yes, when I was a kid. Think I get car sick back then.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Millionaire. Then I can buy love. Who cares if it’s true love or not.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, but I also believe in Santa Claus.

41. Ever call a 1-800 number?
Hmm, I don’t think so..

42. Can exes be friends?
Why? We should all want our exes to die horrible deaths.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Thankfully a friend who gave birth.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I’ll ask my mum later.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
Standard message that the telco provides. I have stupid voice. And I can't pronounce words properly. Instead of leaving messages people would just laugh.

46. What's your all time favourite cartoon character?
Homer J Simpson – “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems”.

47. What was the name of your first pet?
I never named my pets.

48. What is in your purse?
I don’t have a purse thankfully.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
You don’t wanna know.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That I can still ‘feel’. Seriously, I’m grateful for that. That's what I prayed for a few years back and now I 'feel', full blast!

My Life

My life,
It doesn’t have a sweet voice narrating it
No loud trumpets announcing victories
No gloomy days accompanying my tears.

My dreams,
They are filled with your faces
When the lids are closed I can hear you clearly
In every motion, in every emotion.

My wants,
A constant struggle against what I need
Greedily trying to grasp too much wrong
When I can’t even grab the simplest of right.

My words,
No more than just worthless broken records
I continue asking all the wrong questions
While scouring for the right answers.

My vengeance,
It’s spreading wider than I dare to admit
Like a time bomb dangerously ticking away
With only a few more seconds to spare.

My sanity,
It has been tested ever so vigorously
With every calamity a piece is taken away
While no rapture can mend it back together.

My Life,
A sorry reminder of the power above.

Outside

It's hard to explain
Inherently, it's just always been strange
Neither here nor there
Always somewhat out of place everywhere
Ambiguous
Without a sense of belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway
Feeling there's no-one completely the same

Standing alone
Eager to just believe
It's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

Early on, you face the realisation
You don't have a space
Where you fit in
And recognise you were born to exist

Standing alone
Eager to just believe
It's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

And it's hard
And it's hard
And it's hard

Irreversibly
Falling in-between
And it's hard
And it's hard
To be understood
As you are
As you are

Oh, and God knows
That you're standing on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You're thrown
Where you're never quite the same
Although you try
Try and try
To tell yourself you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside
You'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

Mariah Carey
Butterfly 1997