Play Act

I like to play act. When I was a little boy my Alang used to say that I was arrogant. I bragged about things I know to her, acted like I’m the smartest know-it-all boy in the world. I will tell her that I’m the best in everything and I used to tell her I can get whatever I ask for from anyone because everyone loves me so much. “Apa yang adik mintak, semuanya adik dapat. Setakat ni kereta control je yang adik mintak tapi tak dapat!” That was how I used to say it. Cruel isn’t it, especially when there was some truth in it.

Actually I was that way with all of my siblings but my Along & Angah just dismissed me as being silly and cute every time I acted up because them being older certainly makes me a harmless none-threatening little boy. On the other hand, it was different with my Alang. She is just 3 years older than me, we were the youngest so we competed in everything. I think she grew up hating me.

However, as the years gone by even she can accept the fact that I was just playing around. I guess as she got wiser with age, she can clearly see the real me, scared, hopeless & insecure person.

My play acting hasn’t stop with the time though. I still do it a lot with my siblings, and now I’m doing it with the friends I feel most comfortable with as well. Not the wisest thing to do, I got into trouble a few times because of it. My family knows how to handle me when I’m acting up, they simply ignore me. But not all of my friends know and realise this. Some of them will feel I’m just being an ass and a jerk, and a sad show off. They will take offence, retaliate and react in a way that will make me sad. The will see me as an annoyance.

I can’t blame them really. I can’t expect them to know the real me, to look pass my play act. I may feel comfortable with them, feel really close but in reality they might not feel the same way. I have very few close friends and only one of them know the real me. Only one of them when I’m acting silly will actually strike back with brilliant banters, or simply ignores me.

Why am I writing about this? Well I recently lost a friend because of my stupid play acting. My play acting was not the only reason of course, but it was one of the reasons. So seriously, I need to watch it. I need to cut it down or I will end up being a friendless jerk who annoys strangers. That is a real possibility.