If only I was stronger, if only I held on more firmly, I wouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling now. Miserable, good for nothing, lost…Am I any better than the killers out there? Am I more human than the monsters that always hog the headlines? The sadistic animal that exist, am I much different than them?
Throw me into the world without any cotton wool wrapper and I drifted hopelessly. Reckless, thoughtless….stupid. It’s like there was no limit for me. Broken homes, bad childhood, rough poor life, at least they had their excuses. What were mine?
So much trusts and hopes were pinned on me by my loved ones, and I broke every single one of it. Naively or not, it doesn't matter. I screwed up.
Now I cry at night, the pain is like nothing I ever imagine before. The hate and anger just won’t go away, bitterness and sadness alike. And yet I miss her terribly.
The scariest thing is, put me in the same situations, give me the same choices and there is not a tiny doubt in my mind that I will go down the same way all over again. With what I’ve experienced, I will do things just as bad, if not worse.
God, please don’t give up on me…
If only I did things differently, if only...
