Random Thoughts 4

Above is the mental note I made to myself because although I know I’ve gained a lot of weight, I still look for my previous size when I’m trying out clothing. Stupidity to the max. Stupidity that leads to indescribable frustration when I’m in the dressing room. Stupidity that was born out of denial. So I hope after this when I’m choosing clothing off the rack, I’ll look straight for my new undesired size, because I’ve made that mental note for myself.


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I’m thinking to get a new car in the near future. I’ve made a shortlist of the cars that I would like to have. Caldina, Hyundai i30, Peugeot 407 and Volkswagen Golf. Unfortunately I can’t afford any of those so I tossed the list away. Looks like it will be either Persona or Neo. I LOVE Neo when it first came out but I think I’m too old for it now (sigh). So Persona it is then. I’ve already browsed a few forums to see what people think of it and although complaints about stupid poor quality of Proton interior still dominated, surprisingly quite a few people claimed Persona drives better on highway than Honda City. Hmmm…..


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Do you know the saying ‘Love the one who loves you’ ? (Or something like that). I think it is an incredibly stupid saying. If everyone follows the saying, no one will be in love. Everyone will only wait for the others to fall in love first. So everyone will stay single. Do you see how stupid it is?

“Why aren’t you in love?”
“Because no one loves me. We can only love the one who love us, remember?”
“But they are also waiting for you to love them first!”
“Yup, that’s the problem.”

Incredibly stupid!


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I wanna quit smoking but I honestly don’t know if I can do it. It’s getting worse for me, I’m now depending on it to make sure my day doesn’t suck. (Hmm, I have to rephrase that, I’m now depending on cigarettes to minimize the suckiness of my day). I read somewhere that one of the steps to quit smoking is that you need to gradually reduce the frequency of it, that every time you feel the urge to smoke, try to delay it for as long as you can. Well I’m trying that now, but my god, I got really grumpy when I delay it! I seriously cannot control how angry I get. I know that it is the urge that making me angry but still every little thing just make me feel like headbutting the wall! I’m worried about how I’m going to cope with it this coming puasa. It was bad for me last year and now that I’m getting worse, this year promises to be a torture. Wish me luck!


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The show ‘Secrets of Magicians Revealed’ is a bit like a reflection of my life right now (dramatic I know). What I mean is, every time they play the teaser for that show I really can’t wait to watch it. How magicians make the girl floats and then cut her into 2, how magicians make an elephant disappear right in front of our eyes and how magicians do that ‘magic door’ trick where suddenly out of nowhere a whole group of people can come out from behind the door when just seconds before there was nothing behind it. So the teaser always make me wait for the show excitedly and when I finally get to watch it, when I finally understand how magicians do their tricks, I got bitterly disappointed. Suddenly those tricks seem too simple too stupid. The mystery is gone and I regret watching it. It’s the mystery that I want, figuring it out is what attracts me. Once the mystery is gone, once I figured it out, I lost interest, I got disappointed and I feel stupid. Once I have it it my hands it bores me to death.
I need to be carefull about this.

Endless

*To fully appreciate this poem, read it to the tune of the song that kids sing when they are playing jump rope or something like that. I hope you know what I mean...

Round and round and round it goes,
How it will end well no one knows,
Bigger higher deeper it grows,
Stronger and faster down to the toes.

Been holding on to what they told me,
Keep believing and surely you’ll see,
Nothing to worry it will be easy.
Hold your ground and don’t act silly.

So wait and wait and wait I did,
Head down brave face gritted teeth,
Smiling laughing full of wit,
But in the night is when it hits.

Deep in the night it hits me in waves,
The tide that swept me to the edge of the grave,
And deep in the night I’m nothing but a slave,
Of my own memories that I once craved.

But humbly still I wait and wait,
And humbly still I’m keeping the faith,
One day all will be fully paid,
Like they told me like they said.

Round and round and round it goes,
When it will end well I don’t know…

50 Questions

Shamelessly stolen from Reading Ayu...

1.Your name spelled backwards.

Irzah. Pretty name. I’m still working on getting my friends to name their daughters that.

2. Where were your parents born?
Don’t know. I don’t know anything about my parents. How old they are, the year they got married, etc2. I should get an award for being the most useless son ever.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Mariah Carey’s Butterfly. The best album ever. Brings back the memory.

4. What's your favourite restaurant?
Don’t know. I don’t think I have one. KFC maybe… Shut up!

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
3-4 years back maybe? Bad news for all you girls out there, I may never again swim in a pool.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yes, in this slapstick Ultraman play. Do you know the version of Ultraman where it needs a guy and a girl to combine to become one? That was me! Err, as the guy I mean, not the girl.

7. How many kids do you want?
Two. A boy and a girl.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Dangdut. Funnily enough I recently referred to my style of writing as ‘the dangdut of writing’.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes. Voted for the opposition even though I’m a supporter of the government.

10. Are you homesick?
I wish. Trust me, I wish I am. :-(

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Now why would I want to do that?

12. Ever prank call anybody?
Stop giving me ideas!

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Yes, and I ain’t paying.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Only if my life depends on it.

15. Furthest place you ever travelled?
Anfield. On a big European night, with the Kop going all out with the flag day (through the idiot box of course).

16. Do you have a garden?
I used to have one of those little cacti in the little pot. Does that count?

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Calvin & Hobbes, Baby Blues, Dilbert.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
I even know Rukun Negara, Negeri Sembilan anthem and that ‘Setia’ song.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, morning and night, all the time. Because I'm lazy.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I love you man.

21. Favorite pizza topping?
I don’t know. But I sure don’t like the Tandoori topping. Ridiculous.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Popcorn.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Err… This is what I get for answering 'chicks' questions.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
I didn’t even know it was possible.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
I’ve been in a ‘Pakaian Beragam’ contest while in kindergarten, dressed as a baby. Complete with botol susu and puting. I lost. Stupid judges.

26. Orange or Apple juice?
Apple I guess.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
With my friend from Subang. Dinner at uptown SA.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Snickers. By far!

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
The last election.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
How about never?

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes. My biggest trophy (literally) has got to be the one I won in my school tennis tournament. It was only a school tournament, but my god our coach really like to glamorise us, hence the very huge inappropriate trophy.

32. Are you a good cook?
I roasted grasshoppers a few times when I was a kid. Then I fed them to the ants. I guess the ants would say I was a good cook.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Yes. It’s not rocket science.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
I think I ordered one thing for my mum. Can’t remember what it was.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
Are there any difference?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
No. But I have a friend who does. Loser!

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
A brush you use for showering. A God sent!

38. Ever throw up in public?
Yes, when I was a kid. Think I get car sick back then.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Millionaire. Then I can buy love. Who cares if it’s true love or not.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, but I also believe in Santa Claus.

41. Ever call a 1-800 number?
Hmm, I don’t think so..

42. Can exes be friends?
Why? We should all want our exes to die horrible deaths.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Thankfully a friend who gave birth.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I’ll ask my mum later.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
Standard message that the telco provides. I have stupid voice. And I can't pronounce words properly. Instead of leaving messages people would just laugh.

46. What's your all time favourite cartoon character?
Homer J Simpson – “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems”.

47. What was the name of your first pet?
I never named my pets.

48. What is in your purse?
I don’t have a purse thankfully.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
You don’t wanna know.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That I can still ‘feel’. Seriously, I’m grateful for that. That's what I prayed for a few years back and now I 'feel', full blast!

My Life

My life,
It doesn’t have a sweet voice narrating it
No loud trumpets announcing victories
No gloomy days accompanying my tears.

My dreams,
They are filled with your faces
When the lids are closed I can hear you clearly
In every motion, in every emotion.

My wants,
A constant struggle against what I need
Greedily trying to grasp too much wrong
When I can’t even grab the simplest of right.

My words,
No more than just worthless broken records
I continue asking all the wrong questions
While scouring for the right answers.

My vengeance,
It’s spreading wider than I dare to admit
Like a time bomb dangerously ticking away
With only a few more seconds to spare.

My sanity,
It has been tested ever so vigorously
With every calamity a piece is taken away
While no rapture can mend it back together.

My Life,
A sorry reminder of the power above.

Outside

It's hard to explain
Inherently, it's just always been strange
Neither here nor there
Always somewhat out of place everywhere
Ambiguous
Without a sense of belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway
Feeling there's no-one completely the same

Standing alone
Eager to just believe
It's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

Early on, you face the realisation
You don't have a space
Where you fit in
And recognise you were born to exist

Standing alone
Eager to just believe
It's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

And it's hard
And it's hard
And it's hard

Irreversibly
Falling in-between
And it's hard
And it's hard
To be understood
As you are
As you are

Oh, and God knows
That you're standing on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You're thrown
Where you're never quite the same
Although you try
Try and try
To tell yourself you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside
You'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

Mariah Carey
Butterfly 1997