The Dream

One night a few months back I had a dream.

I was in my school musolla. While everyone was praying at the front, I got distracted by something glowing and shining at the back. It was like a shrine, something you find in a temple. Instead of me joining the prayers, I just sat at the back watching the shrine. The shrine appealed to me more.

I wish I had woken up sweating with my heart beating fast n violent, but I did not. I woke up in a daze, confused by the dream but then went back to sleep immediately. I wish the dream would have bothered me a whole lot more but it didn’t. I have forgotten all about the dream until last night while I was listening to the tazkirah.

The dream itself might be nothing more than just a dream but the fact that I can just forget about it worries me. It kind of reaffirms my fear that I have strayed too far.

I am just too fickle. Time and again I have asked forgiveness from God only to keep doing the same mistakes. When I repent, if I can call it repent, I really meant it. I promised to never do it again, but it keeps on happening. No matter how strong the will I had I will just keep doing it. No matter how much I regretted it, it will recur. And now it has become something that I ruefully accepted, it will never go away and I can never change.

Just imagine asking for forgiveness, repenting, but at the same time knowing it will surely happens again. It’s like there is no more hope.

And for this one mistake that I once did, I have never really regretted it. I mean the regret was there, the terrible feeling is felt until today and I told friends that it was the biggest mistake in my life but I have never regretted it the way that I should. I truly realised the magnitude of what I did, but what I felt wasn't really guilt. It wasn't remorse. It was relief, because I got away with it.

And last night while listening to the tazkirah, I thought about the dream that I had a few months back. And I thought about that mistake. And tears were dropped but not because of the guilt. It was because I can’t feel the regret.

I feel dead inside.