That Morning...

Do you remember that morning when my car got clamped?

I still remember it clearly, I had to pay RM50 to the guards! You had to come down to deal with them. I was already late, so you had to rush down. No time to take your shower, your hair was all messy but you were so beautiful that morning. So beautiful!

You came down, smiling sheepishly. You told the guards that we were engaged. Haha, not that it mattered. You wore the pink sweater, your face clearly showed you didn’t get enough sleep. Actually both of us didn’t get much sleep..

One regret that I have about that morning, I didn’t tell you how beautiful you were. Rushing to work, all I can think about was what I’m going to tell my boss for being late. But really, I should have told you that. I should have said that you made my heart skiped a beat, that was how beautiful you were. Well, I don’t think I even kissed you goodbye…

Memories, aren’t they wonderful? Memories are all I have now.

I miss you so much…

The 'Big Ifs'

If only I was stronger, if only I held on more firmly, I wouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling now. Miserable, good for nothing, lost…

Am I any better than the killers out there? Am I more human than the monsters that always hog the headlines? The sadistic animal that exist, am I much different than them?

Throw me into the world without any cotton wool wrapper and I drifted hopelessly. Reckless, thoughtless….stupid. It’s like there was no limit for me. Broken homes, bad childhood, rough poor life, at least they had their excuses. What were mine?

So much trusts and hopes were pinned on me by my loved ones, and I broke every single one of it. Naively or not, it doesn't matter. I screwed up.

Now I cry at night, the pain is like nothing I ever imagine before. The hate and anger just won’t go away, bitterness and sadness alike. And yet I miss her terribly.

The scariest thing is, put me in the same situations, give me the same choices and there is not a tiny doubt in my mind that I will go down the same way all over again. With what I’ve experienced, I will do things just as bad, if not worse.

God, please don’t give up on me…

If only I did things differently, if only...

Luis Garcia - A Leg!

A letter from Lil Luis, a little player with a big heart...

Dear Reds, First of all I'd like to apologise for not having been back in touch sooner, but I needed to take some time to take on board all the recent changes and then to put down these words for you. I'm sure you will understand.

I would rather this be a letter of thanks and gratitude, not simply a goodbye. Yes, thats right, gratitude, because that is the word that best sums up my feelings for you all. Taking the decision to change clubs hasn't been easy. Not easy at all. I've experienced three fantastic years at the club and in the city. Three years in which together, the fans and the team, we have accomplished some fantastic achievements, and I'm sure that these successes will continue to be repeated in the near future.

You know that I like a challenge and that I don't just settle for second best. Back then Liverpool Football Club gave me the opportunity to be part of an ambitious plan to put the Reds back at the summit of the game. I think that together we managed to achieve that.

As I said, I do like challenges and in spite of the fact that at that time I was playing for my home town club, one of the biggest in the world, I wanted to be a part of that project that was being presented to me by Liverpool, and so I accepted the challenge. Now, after three seasons in the Premier League and having won some major trophies, the chance came up for me to return to La Liga and be part of a new project at a club I already knew. The idea of enjoying things in a Spanish club like we experienced together at Liverpool over these last three years appealed to me, and thats why I accepted the offer.

I want to thank everyone working at Liverpool Football Club for how well they have treated both my family and I, making us feel at home from the very first day to the last. I also want to thank the management, coaching staff and directors for the opportunity they gave me back then to be part of such an important and well-loved club as Liverpool. A club which has helped me to grow as a footballer and where to date I have enjoyed the biggest success of my career.

Without a doubt, this success has been possible thanks to the outstanding group of players with whom Ive been able to share a dressing room over the last three seasons. I'm not going to mention anyone specifically, because I think that the secret of this team's success has been exactly that: nobody wanted to stand out above the rest and there has always been a great togetherness in the squad, which made it into something more than a group of players, it was a group of friends. Thanks to all of you for your help and your friendship.

I've left until last the thank you which for me is the most important: Thank you to the supporters. Your support allowed me to settle quickly at both the club and in the city, and you made me feel really at ease with you all right from the word go; that's the kind of help that you notice most of all during the difficult times, of which there have been a few during my time here. I'd like to especially thank you for making up a song for me and you should know that every time I heard you singing it, it was like an extra injection of strength and motivation, even helping me to overcome pain occasionally during a game. Your unconditional support is the thing that ensures that this team manages to pull through in the most difficult circumstances; and I can assure you that the whole squad is aware of this and thanks you for it.

A football club isn't just made up of players, coaches and directors. More than anything else it's the supporters who make a club, and that perhaps is the ingredient which best distinguishes Liverpool Football Club from every other team. The supporters. Because if one thing has remained obvious to me after these few years, it's that with supporters like you, Liverpool Football Club will never walk alone. I really hope that the club wins lots of major trophies in the future; I'll be following it all from a distance, with the pride that you can only get from having been a Red and played for the home team at Anfield – a ground that every football fan must visit at least once in their life. Thank you for everything.

Yours most sincerely, Your friend, Luís García.

Shankly for you...

From Ron Yeats, Liverpool's longest serving captain

I know a story about him. Tommy Lawrence was frightened to death of Shanks. He as just a young boy. He had been there since he was 16-year-old. He got his chance in ’61. I’ll always remember we were playing Arsenal for the first time in 8 years because Liverpool had been in the 2nd division. We were winning 1-0 with 10 minutes to go and I thought, ‘what a good win this will be at Arsenal.’ I can’t remember the Arsenal’s striker name that hit the ball from 25 yards. I am not joking, but he stubbed his toe first and then hit the ball. It trickled by me and I went ‘it’s yours, Tommy’. Tommy was on the line and opened his legs and the bloody ball went right through him. I couldn’t believe it. They put the pressure on us for the last five minutes, but we held out.

I am thinking to myself all this time, ‘when we get into that dressing room I am going to get into the bath before Shanks come in the door.’ Little did I know that the ten players I was playing with thought the same thing. When the final whistle went...if we had sprinted that much during the game we would have won it easily. Everybody was trying to hurry into the dressing room but it wasn’t quick enough. The door opened and in came Shanks. His face was blue and I am thinking, ‘here it goes.’ He went, ‘where is he?’ I didn’t realise but big Tommy Lawrence was behind me. I was three inches bigger than him and didn’t know where he was. His finger went up and he said, ‘I am here, boss.’ ‘Where?’ ‘I am here, boss.’ He said, ‘before you say anything, boss, I want to apologize to you and the lads. I should have never opened my legs to that ball.’ Shankly went, ‘it’s not your fault. It’s your fucking mother who should have never opened her legs.’

Aston Villa match report

Final Score: Villa 1 – Liverpool 2
MOTM: Dirk Kuyt

Finally, after 5 fucking years, we won our opening match!!!!!!!!
Ok, I’m gonna keep it short and simple.

I’m happy with:
1- Torres – He looked really good. Movement were excellent, his pace were scary. Need to score on one on ones though.
2- Kuyt – He is as lively as ever and his first touch has improved a lot…
3- Partnership Kuyt & Torres – V happy with this. They were born to play together. But still too early in the season. Hope they can keep it up.

4- Babel – Well I think he will be the first choice right winger. V athletic and have good technique. Should have taken his chance better and score though.
5- Gerrard – Wonderful freekick. Refreshing to see he put some curl on it rather than just hit the ball as hard as he can. Saved us yet again.
6- Our movement and passing improve. Nice triangles, one touch passing. Before we got the lead that is.

Not happy with:
1- The chances squandered. We need to convert chances into goals if we were to really challenge this season.
2- Same old story, we played badly after we got the lead. We should really go for the kill, not sit back and let the other team get back into the game.
3- Risse – He looked lost in this game. Buck up quick!
4- Defense – We really struggled to cope with Carew. What would happened if it was Drogba yesterday?
5- Rafa – Should have brought on Hyppia, IMHO. Replace Risse with him and push Agger to left back. That way we could have cope with Carew better.

Anyway, v happy with the 3 points and very happy when the players immediately pushed for the winner as soon as Villa leveled the score. Keep up the good work.

Now bring on Tolouse!

My Guardian Angel

***About 3 years back, ground level Hell's Hole headquarters, KL***

Finally, a little room to breathe…

My day started at 6.45am with 60 minutes drive all the way to the Hell's Hole, braving myself through 60 kilometers and the notorious KL traffics just so I can play slave to my sadistic boss n co. And after 5 hours of rushing, mental torture & abuse, it was finally time for lunch. Thank God!

I just need to get out from this place for a while and I'll be fine.

Wishful thinking, just as I started walking to the nearest mamak place, I saw her standing there. Alone and looking lost.
She was my colleague at Hell's Hole, seated right behind me at our office. We rarely talked because she intimidates me a whole lot.

Shite, it's too late. She saw me looking at her so I can't hide now. Quick, think of something to say…

"Ermm, hi. What are u doing here?"

"It's lunch hour, so I'm thinking to go to lunch," she replied. Silly me, of course….

Paused, one second, two second…

"Wanna join me?" I asked. Not because I wanted her to, but as a decent human being, that was all left for me to do.

Say no, please say no. Say u are waiting for someone. JUST SAY NO!

Cheerfully she said, "OK!!"

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

So off we went to lunch. And it turned out to be the best lunch I had since working there. We clicked, just like that. And the rest, they say, is history. She is now my guardian angel, one that I'm so proud to have.

It was a great mystery to me how we can get along so well. We are so different, came from different backgrounds and we certainly have different perceptions on things. We argue a lot on practically everything and we annoyed each other most of the time (in a good way, I guess).

They say opposites attracts. Well it's very true in our case. She has this aura of class around her; I have an aura of pathetic-ness around me. She is cool, I'm sad. She is 'happening', I'm boring all the way. She is tall, I'm short. She is old, I'm young (hah!). Her English is excellent, mine is awkward. Her Malay is cute, mine is ok (Pheww. Finally, something I'm better at than her).

Well, how we get along is not a mystery to me anymore. Her openness, her sincerity and her willingness to accept me for who I am bring us close. I can tell her anything and I do. There is no one else on earth who knows all my dirt except for her. She listens to my problems, and helps me get out from most of it, in her own unique way. To this one particular problem that I had, all she said was, "Hazri, u have a brain. Use it!" And that was all that I needed. She freed me from my stupidity (long may it last).

I am forever grateful to have her in my life, and I hope she feels the same way too. A wonder of a guardian angel…

Thank you for everything……

Blind, deaf & mute

Ok, I’m going to sound like an old man here. My pc is having some problems (well, it’s basically dead) and I can’t use it. I find myself with nothing to do at all. Can’t do my work, can’t go online and I’m bored to the bone.


But being bored is the least of my concerns right now. I’m supposed to get this thing done by today but because my pc is not working, I can’t. Well, stupid me for not having any back up files.


It’s just amazing how much we depend on that thing. If only we were using papers, hard copy of photos and a pen or a typewriter instead of this piece of machinery, I will be happily (not) doing my work right now.

Oh well what to do. At least now I have a valid reason to just sit on my arse all day. Wonderful.

Funny Ass Monkeys

Welcome to the Funny Ass Monkeys, where the powerfuls toy with the people’s number one interest, ass kissing knows no limit and doing the honorable thing perceived as being a coward.

He is a big fan, passionate and deeply cares about it.
Well, about a gizillion others are big fans, passionate and really care; does this mean we should have a gizillion life president?

He has bring millions into the game.
Trust me, there are others who can do that. And I’m sure there are others capable of doing this without twisting the arms of these sponsors, and surely manage the money better.

We will appeal for him to reconsider his resignation.
Please, stop your ass kissing and just follow suit with the resignation. You sound ridiculous.

I’m not a coward.
Don’t insult us and show your class. If you don’t have any, this is a good time to start having one.

Seriously, why are we even surprised at the outcome? Did we go into it with all guns blazing?
And stop blaming lack of patriotism, lack of spirit, we were just not good enough!
The sooner we accept that fact the better…

Feverish anger

How can anyone feel they have a god given right to be loved? Fuck it, are you really that thick?! “No matter what I do, love me, adore me, be there for me. Don’t expect anything from me, cause you are irrelevant. It is me, and only me that matters. JUST LOVE ME!”


Unconditional love? It exists but don’t expect it. You can hope, pray & dream but don’t you ever expect it, especially when you have done nothing to deserve it. You destroyed everything, you manipulative, 2 faced parasite!

You don’t deserve to be happy, ever!

Never again will I be so stupid.

Never again will I be so weak.

Good riddance, wish it had happened sooner!

Good or bad

Are you a good or a bad person? Try giving an honest answer…No, don’t give me that ‘we can’t judge ourselves’ crap. Answer it, as honest as you can. And give it some thought. Don’t just blurt out the answer for the sake of answering it... Got it? Ready with the answer? Now hold that thought…

When you do something good, let say for argument sake, helping a blind cross a road. Do you feel good about yourself? If you do, do you feel guilty for feeling that way? Should you feel guilty about feeling good over a good deed?

Why do you help that blind person in the first place? There could be a million reasons. Responsibility, sympathy, empathy. Which one? Or it could also be you don’t want to be seen as a bad person, or you won’t be able to stand the guilt if you don’t help. The guilt will kill you. Maybe you help because you were afraid God will punish you if you don’t. Is it wrong to do something good just because you are afraid of God’s punishments?

Something similar (or opposite, I’m confused) happened to me recently. I went to pasar malam without any particular purpose, just trying to calm myself. If I don’t calm myself, I might hurt someone (with my words, not physically… I just don’t do that). Being grumpy and moody. My family will be worried if I keep feeling down or whatever. I feel that walking around and watching other people will do me good. So I can say going to pasar malam was a good deed (can I?).

Anyway, I saw this one boy, maybe 5 or 6 years old. He was crying, loud. A classic case of a kid left behind by parents in a crowded place. Now I pity that kid because he was crying really hard. He was scared and angry at the same time. Scared of being alone and angry for being left behind. I really pitied him. And what did I do? Nothing. I ignored what happened and walked away.

Heartless? Maybe, but you see, I wanted to help the kid. Really, I do. But just as I about to walk over to him, my messed up brain start to think the way only a messed up brain do (refer to paragraph 2&3). Duh!!

There were so many people there. None of them did anything, they just watched. No one try to calm the kid down, talk to the kid or offered any help. They were just watching, same as me, and like me, I know they were all hoping that the kid’s parents will come back looking for their child. Just give it sometime and it will be alright. No need to be the centre of attraction, I don’t like being the centre of attraction.

I walked away partly because I don’t think there was much I can do. I don’t know who the parents were and from the looked of it the kid won’t be able to tell me either. I remember thinking “nothing bad going to happen to him, in a few minutes the parents will turn back and found their crying child”. So I walked away. 10 minutes later, I walked by the same place and there was no sign of the kids, I can’t hear any crying and everyone was busy with their own thing. So there, problem solved!

I guess what I’m trying to say here is if I saw a blind man trying to cross a road, I will not be the first one rushing to help him. Instead, I will wait and hope that others will. If, let say, in 5 minutes he is still hopelessly on the same side of the road, maybe then I will offer my help.

Like I said, I don’t like to be the centre of attention. For me, doing things like that will attract attention and I don’t want that. I get flattered way too easily. Just the thought of people seeing me doing nice things will wreck my good conscience (presume I have one). I read somewhere that feeling ‘riak’ (get a dictionary u lazy bum!), no matter how small, is a big sin. So being me, always looking for the easy way out, I tend to avoid all these things.

Messed up, I know. Maybe this is the work of the devil, doing their thing on me brilliantly. Whatever it is, this is me….

And to answer your curiosity, no, I don’t think I’m a good person. Mind you, I’m sure I’m not evil either…

How about u?

My so called life (it's corny, I know)

What do you make of your life? Wonderful? Sad? Non-existing? Well whatever it is, it’s your life. You have no choice but to accept your fate. Just get on with it…hmm, on second thought, maybe you do (have choices).

My life started out fine. The first 17 years, that’s what I thought. It was not extraordinarily good or bad, it was just…safe. Nothing to worry about, nothing to care about. The key word here is nothing. I certainly didn’t think enough about it at that time. They say ignorance is bliss. Well that is true, but when it turn around and bite you in the arse, you know you are screwed.

Like I said, at that time I thought my life was fine but looking back now it certainly wasn’t. It was sad. My motto at that time was, ‘when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose’. (My Along once added, “and you will have nothing to gain either”. And she’s right…not because I gave it a lot of thought, but because she’s always right, always!). I was a spoiled brat (maybe still am), ultimate original brat. The word brat was created for me. Pampered by my family, my family’s friends, teachers, and even my seniors and friends at school (weird!).

I got most things that I want, I was satisfied with everything I have, no goals, no ambitions. Spoon-fed all the time. I just sit still in my comfortable safe little world. I don’t take risk, I don’t take opportunities, I did nothing at all. I stayed out of trouble, behaved well most of the time (once got caught for not going to assembly and thought I was so cool). While my friends go here and there, do this and that, I just sit at home reading comics, daydreaming and playing mom’s favorite little brat. And the best part is, at that time, I thought I was the most ‘self-aware’ human being on the entire planet. I thought I was smart!

Now 10 years on, the feeling is still there. That uncontrollable ‘self-aware’ feeling. Only this time it makes me sad, because I know it’s not true…