Garbage

Now where do I start?

How about this; I hate myself.

That says it all right there. If I stop right there, right after ‘I hate myself’, it will still be enough to show how I’m feeling right now. I’m not feeling good. I’m feeling terrible. I feel shit actually. Things have been happening for the past week, with today the worst of it all. Today better be the peak because I don’t know if I can handle anything worse.

The thing is, this shitty feeling I’m feeling now comes from the disappointment of not being able to handle even the slightest of mishap. That’s why I hate myself. Just barely a month ago I feel like I’m on top of the world with everything going great. Like everything is in order, going the right way. Now I feel everything is falling apart. You see how stupid that is? The only place I belong to is inside a cotton wool wrapper.

Just a month ago I feel like I have completely ‘healed’, 100%. But I was mistaken. I wasn’t ‘healed’. How can you heal from something that you are? This is just me. I thought I changed because of the things that happened to me a few years back. When I really think about it though, nothing changed me. Nothing changed me into something that I thought I could heal from. This is just me. Right from the start of the time, this is me. The real me. Sometimes I managed to disguise the real me really good, even from myself. Right now though, stripped to the bone, it is becoming clear to me that how I am right at this moment is the real me. I didn’t change a few years back. I have always been like how I am now.

Realising that makes me hates myself. And if I fail to love myself, how can I love anyone else?