Oh Yes!

Oh yes it is wonderful!
Oh yes it is beautiful!
Rainbows, roses, candies
Everything's absolutely dandy.

Of course it is bumpy!
Of course it is tricky!
All part of a greater plan
To get to ever after in the end.

Oh sure it is true
They said it, it must be true!
Oh sure quit worrying
Feel the love and you’ll be laughing!

Oh yes!
Oh sure!

Snap!
...oh crap!

White Flag 2

Uncertainties, life is full of those, isn’t it? We can plan everything right to the last details but in the end, more often than not, nothing goes to plan. Things will end differently, better or worse, they will be different.

Life, it is all about the uncertainties. I admit to that. Life is about taking the uncertainties as a challenge. I bow to that. Life is all about the sweat and the tears, along with the laughter. I applaud that. Life is all about the struggles, the comebacks, the strives. I understand that. Uncertainties are just a norm in life. I know that.

But not my life. No more uncertainties. I know where I’m heading and I don’t like it.

I had dreams not so long ago about how my life would be. Right now I only have nightmares. No, ‘nightmares’ is not the right word. Nightmares aren’t real. Nightmares are not based on real world. What I have now are pointy clues, based on facts, calculated with logic. And the facts are not good. The logic is not flattering.

Quite ironic really, I’ve spent a big chunk of my life being depressed because of the uncertainties, but right now it is the certainty that is killing me.

I’ve been told that I’m too negative, that I tend to over analysed. ‘Stop thinking too much’ & ‘stop being a miserable pessimist’. If I had a penny every time I heard that….

Those lips telling me I’m too negative, they know nothing about me, or they are just quite plainly wearing rose tinted glasses. If only they take the glasses off, they would see what I’m seeing. They would know the only reason I’m still here is because I’m too scared to take the other option. And they would see my future and they will never utter those words to me again.

Uncertainties used to scare me, now it is the certainty that is killing me. And finding the way out from something so certain is impossible.

Take the glasses off and you will see.




**DISCLAIMER - THIS ENTRY HAS NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE, DEAD OR ALIVE**

FAO Angel

I hear whispers, on every glorious morning
Like a promise in the book
In each and every tick of the clock
The rain is ready to wet the parade
No matter how bright the day I open my eyes to
Even with your sweet lips smiling
I will soon see it upside down

I don’t know how it started
Don’t know how it got so twisted
But I do know though clouded, it is real
Like a reflection on water, it is real
One day the questions will need answering
No more vague words, no more deceptive rhymes
Just cold hard facts stripped of excuses

Angel beware
Some sins just cannot be erased
Some dirt just won’t be scrubbed off
Some bend just cannot be straightened
Angel beware
This journey will go round and round
To the damned doom

Angle leave
For I have fallen in love with you

Random Thoughts 6 - Raya Edition

Raya! Woohoo!! Really? Woohoo?
If I have to describe how my Raya holiday is so far, I would say it is blissful. Not happy, not joyfull, but blissful. I’m happy that I get to spend time with my niece and nephew, especially now that I don’t get to see them as much as before. I’m happy that I get to spend a few days at the place where I grew up (well close to it anyway). I’m happy that I have a reason to eat lemang as much as I want. And I’m especially happy that I get to stay away from work, or should I say office, for 12 days. And that’s the problem. 12 days. How can 12 days be enough when what I really want is forever? So amidst the Raya mood that I’m feeling right now, there is a tiny bit of restlessness in knowing that with every second I’m enjoying myself, I’m getting a second closer to work. And I hate that, so I’m trying hard to ignore it. I’m trying hard to be blissful.


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So what is the best way to spend your first night of Raya? Watch football of course! Football, football and football. Well that was what I thought anyway, until a certain Michael Owen ruined it for me. He scored the winner to give his new ‘beloved’ team a priceless win against their local rival. When Owen came on as a sub late in the game, there was a voice inside me that said ‘Oh I bet my bottom ringgit that he is going to score the winner here’. Worse, there was a stupid part of me that actually WANTED Owen to score the winner because believe it or not I still want to see him do well. And you know what? He did. I just cannot believe it. Not so much that he scored, because I know very well what he can do, but I can’t believe I still want him to do well after everything that has happened. After everything that he did. I’m a big idiot!
I guess this is how it will always be, the mix feeling I will have every time I watch him play. And that sucks!


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Speed trap! I hate speed trap! I just got two summonses for speeding. RM600 to be thrown away just because I drove a little bit faster than the limit. In one of the areas that I got the summonses from, 90km/h is the speed limit. 90km/h! That is just painful. They might as well ask drivers to stop driving and push their cars instead. I mean c’mon, even 110 is too slow for me. We are talking about highways here not kampung roads that are full of potholes and cows crossing all the time. On my way to Seremban for my Raya holiday, I got no choice but to drive within the limit set because of the strict ‘Ops Sikap’ that they enforced on every holiday season. And my God it was a painful, boring drive.
I admit our accident rate is atrocious, but to blame it on speeding is just wrong. It’s the attitude of the drivers, not the speed that is causing all the accidents. I really hope they will revise the speed limit and I think 130 is ideal. There were talks about increasing the speed limit not so long ago but all we got is reduced speed limit during holiday seasons. What happened?
RM600, I could get a decent mattress for that much. Whatever, I ain’t paying!


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I’m resigned to the fact that for me to have a chance to quit smoking, I will have to fast a whole year long. I was totally fine without cigarettes during the just finished puasa month (during the day that is), but as soon as it ended my smoking habit shot back to normal. Why? I just don’t get it. This happens every year.
I guess it makes sense though. I’m so lacking will power, I need someone or something to always ‘govern’ me in everything. I’m so weak and lack discipline. So the same goes with smoking. I know I can’t smoke during the day in puasa month so I don’t entertain the thought of smoking at all. Now that I can smoke, all I can think about is smoking. I am so weak!


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I’m watching the movie Hancock while I’m writing this ‘Random Thoughts’, and I just have to say that Charlize Theron is pushing every pleasure button that I have in me. Like seriously, she is so yummy I feel like m……..
Ergh, dang! The satans are unchained!

Going Away To College

Please take me by the hand
It's so cold out tonight
I'll put blankets on the bed
I won't turn out the light
Just don't forget to think about me
And I won't forget you
I'll write you once a week she said

Why does it feel the same
To fall in love or break it off
And if young love is just a game
Then I must have missed the kick off
Don't depend on me to ever follow through on anything
But I'd go through hell for you and

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me

I'll think about the times
She kissed me after class
And she put up with my friends
I acted like an ass
I'd ditch my lecture to watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture still hanging in her locker?

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me

Blink 182
Enema Of The State

Honest To God

I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to
I even tried to convince myself
That I need to

I wish I could smile
And say with bright eyes
I can already taste ever after
With my arms wide open
This couldn’t get any better

But it is me with all my puzzles
That's what I write and scream about
All along all through out
The barrier of all barriers
It is me and me only

What can I do to stop the resentment
What more should I say to appease
When it is as crystal
The cure can be nothing else
Of which what was first asked

I guess I can only say
I’m sorry it has to be this way
That I understand it thoroughly
That I know all this will end
For I was in the same blurring shoes

I wish it will get simpler
I wish it will be clearer
I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to

Random Thoughts 5 - I Love My Country Edition

There are so many things happening to our beloved country right now. For the deluded type, let me make it clear to you. When I say ‘so many things’, I mean BAD things. BAD, TERRIBLE things. Bad things that make me wish we let the communist rule the country back then. Sigh.
But nevermind, like most Malaysian, I am ch…… wait, I have to rephrase that. Like most MALAYS, I am choosing to bury my head in the sand, pretending everything is ok, and occupying myself with my personal life instead. The love (Malays got to have love), the relationship, the tears, the DRAMAs (and Malays definitely need dramas!), I’m choosing all that over everything else because they are most convenient for me. Who cares about the rest of the things, right?


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Well well, it is almost that time of the year again. It is almost budget time, Belanjawan! I love Belanjawan. I used to follow the live telecast every year. Not anymore, because my favorite part of it has now gone. It was the part when Anwar introduces new words to the masses. It’s like he will say “Listen up peasants, from now on I want all of you to use the word ‘XXXX’ in every single cycle of your life. Why? Because I’m standing up here, and you peasants are way below down there, so you have to listen to me!”
Then all of us will clap our hands, praise him for his brilliance in shoving himself into our faces, then we laugh, then we praise him some more. Then the next morning, in every single newspaper, the words he chose for us got printed on every page, so we will never forget. Then everybody praises him and laugh some more.
Good old times, let's bring it back!


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1Malaysia – People first, Performance now!
Now where do I start?
Let me try to make it short and simple. I think 1Malaysia is a spectacular example of ‘one way re-branding / PR’ effort (Does that term exist?). I have never come across something that on the surface, and by ‘surface’ I mean the mainstream media, have no words except for lavish compliments towards it; but just underneath the surface, and by ‘underneath the surface’ I mean regular people on the street, have no words except for spiteful criticisms. How can anything be so contrasting, I do not know. Now I’m not against controlled and moderated media, in fact I’m a firm believer of it, but on this 1Malaysia deal, it is just super-zealously ridiculous. Thank God for the internet, if not I would come to the conclusion that 1Malaysia is perceived by the people of this country as the best thing since sliced bread.


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Ok, on to serious stuff now. Yesterday while driving back from work, I think I heard on the radio that the government is mulling over an increase of cigarettes tax by 20cents per stick. Or maybe someone suggested for the government to do that, but that’s not the point. The point is, increase of 20cents per stick?!!! Are you crazy? Our government might be evil, our government might be stupid, but I don’t think they are crazy. So most probably, I heard it wrong. I mean, it can’t be 20cents per stick! That’s RM4 increase! Yes, I definitely heard it wrong.
Anyway, when it comes to cigarettes price increase, it is not whether it will happen or not. It is inevitable, only a question of how much, because for Belanjawan, it comes with the territory. (I remember only once the price remained, and that only because the price was increased just before budget).
I’m still waiting for someone in the parliament, or anyone important for that matter, to stand up for the smokers. I want someone in the parliament to say out loud that smokers are the most marginalised group in the country. I’m still waiting for that special someone that can give smokers the respect they lost, the respect as a human being. If people can defend gays, can make sure drug addiction becomes safer, can say wearing tudung is not wajib, surely it won’t be too much to ask to do the same for smokers. Surely?


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Below is something I found on the net. Probably it is from a standup show from some angry funny guy. I just find it really interesting. So read on, especially all you non-smokers. This guy talks sense. I’d vote for him as our prime minister!

I smoke, if this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you. I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks. My biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong. How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready? NON-SMOKERS DIE EVERY DAY. Sleep tight. See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed." I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man.

Isn’t he fabulous? One of the great minds in our era for me!


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Last but not least, I have a message for what it seems the most popular couple on the planet right now. In this age of time where people pretend to care about the environment, I suggest you two built a statue on every corner of the streets in this country. You know, so we can save a lot of pages in our newspapers from having to feature your pictures every single day (and by every single day I mean EVERY FREAKING SINGLE DAY!). I bet this way, in 365 days, we can manage to save more trees in our rainforest than our anti illegal logging enforcement team can in 3650 days.
You know it makes sense!

Cracked

Tell me what you see through your pretty eyes
Your honest unbiased, pretty eyes
As it’s hard for me to look past it all
The thick cloud hovering over my head
The layers of shadows blocking away the path

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel
To end my weak steps stumbling in the dark
Is there a rainbow waiting to guide me
To the precious pot you keep telling me about
I dare not conclude what my blind eyes is telling me

And what do you hear from all this violent vibe
With the endless chaos thundering threateningly
To me the rain only pours sombre reminder
Of what I am and where I’m going
A non-entity, to a place so empty nothing matters

Your accusing screams are drowning my calling
Should there be any at all, that is
In the middle of it all, trying hard as I can
I can only hear my heart being sliced to pieces
That accompanies the sharp pain I feel deep inside

Head down, I’m on my knees
With my fingers stuck in the mud
Believe me I’ve tried to stand up
Believe me I’ve tried to look up
But the shoulders are just too heavy
And the eyes are just too fiery

Doom merchant, naysayer?
To hell with you
It just doesn’t matter anymore

Speed Perception

Perception is a tricky thing. How you see things might be the complete opposite to what the realities are. How you tell things might be seen in the reverse of the very meaning you intended it to be.

I should realise this by now, I should have this planted deep inside my mind but unfortunately it is not. Time and again I was made to realise this fact but still I’m so easily intimidated and wowed when I met someone new. They will tell me about themselves, give their views about things and more often than not I will go ‘wow!’.

I’m so different from most people. I will instead stress to them that I suck at everything so no one will have high expectations on me. No one will give me too much attention and that way I can hide from the spotlight. I hate being the center of attention. But of course because of that no one take me seriously as well. I will look so pathetic to them. I think I am how I am because I lack confidence. I need to change I know, and trust me I am trying to change.

They say the first step to change is admitting the need to change. So I guess I’m on to the 2nd stage now, imagining and planning about how I’m going to change.

Here goes. I have always wanted to try speed dating. I think it might be fun! It sure looks fun in the movie Hitch. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m expecting to find my soul mate there. I just want to see how it will be like. But I don’t want to go alone though. So if any of you out there interested to go, just let me know and I’m in!

Ok, getting off track a bit there. Let’s get back to the point I’m making. I’m going to imagine myself in speed dating, telling a complete stranger about myself and wowing them so they will find me interesting. That’s the whole point right?

So imagine me seating in front of a girl who knows nothing about me. And I’m telling bits about myself to impress her.

Me : Hi there Scarlett. Nice to meet you. My name is GB.

Girl : Hi GB, nice to meet you.

Me : Wow, you are so pretty and sexy. I like your messy hair.

Girl : Err, you are supposed to tell me about yourself.

Me : Err, ok. You are not supposed to talk though. Just listen.

Girl : ......

Me : Ok. Let’s start again. My name is GB. I’m staying in Rawang. I’m the youngest of four. I work in PJ, with one of the leading company in its field as a PR exec. We have projects all over Asia, in particular Indonesia where they look so highly of us.

Girl : Wow...

Me : Yes, I know! Wow, right? But hey, you are not supposed to talk, remember?

Girl : Sigh...

Me : Ok. Hmm, what else? Ok I guess on to my interests now. I like to write. I mean I LOVE to write. I have a great beautiful blog where I publish all my writings and poetry... I know! Wow again right? I mean, I write poetry. You got to ‘wow’ that.

Girl : ......

Me : Poor you, I’m making you speechless. Don’t worry, I know I am so interesting it’s intimidating, but inside the fabulous-ness, I’m just a normal humble guy. I’m not done yet though, so be prepared for further wow-ness... Ok, let’s continue. My other interests. Let see, I like tennis, I played tennis and I was a very good player during my school days. I was the champ for 3 years running. But I don’t play anymore though, too busy with my career nowadays. Well what you gonna do right?... I also like football. I’m a big fan of Liverpool. You know that famous Istanbul game, I watched every single minutes of it live. Can you believe that? Even when we were down by three goals, I stuck with my beloved team and in the end I celebrated a miraculous win. Good times. Do you like football?

Girl : Yes, I’m a fan of Man Utd.

Me : Are you serious? Whyyyyy? You screwed up there love. You couldn’t have made a worst choice. But don’t worry. It’s not too late for you to repent. I can guide you. You can switch to being a Liverpool fan. Don’t worry ok? I will help you. What do u say to that? Do we have a deal?

Girl writes something on a piece of paper and hold it up for me to see. “I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK”

Organiser : Ok everyone, time’s up. Now let’s move on the next person.

Girl : THANK GOD!

See, I can be interesting too. It’s not difficult at all. I can 'wow' strangers. I can totally pull it off. So let’s speed date and turn reality upside down!

A Sticky

I just want to disappear
Or reverse my existence
So I can end it all
Without pulling the trigger

Am I being weak
For not hanging on
To that tiniest of hope
Abandoning everything
Instead of manning up
And brace through it

I can’t get my head around
At how simple it is
For the precious to let go
Like it was never anything
Like it was never real

I can’t stand the worthlessness
By the hundred rhymes
By the thousand days
By the million tears
So I wish to fade away
Without a trace

The nightmare I built my own
No longer masks the blows
The barrier of four corners
Now closing in on me
I guess the never ending beating
Is here to stay forever

One Day / Satu Hari Nanti..

When I was a little boy, a sweet innocent optimist stupid little boy, I told everybody that one day I want to be an accountant. My Along was studying accountancy at that time so because I looked up to her, I wanted to follow her footsteps. At that time I remember thinking,

“Well why not, she is going to be one, and accountant sure sounds like fun. Counting money can’t be that hard. I mean how hard can it be, I can count to a million and more!”

Then of course I started learning the basics of accounting in Form 1 and got the shock of my life when I found out being an accountant was so much more than just counting money. I immediately fell out of love with it and almost flunked the paper in my SPM.

I also remember telling everyone, “One day I’m going to work in one of those high rise buildings, with big glass windows in my office so I have beautiful views and I can look out to the beautiful scenery whenever I feel the need to take a break.”
A bit of pointless wish and I think I managed that, but I stupidly let go of it.

When I was in ITM, still clueless about what I want to do (because I dumped the idea of being an accountant a few years before that), I jokingly told my friends, “Aku nak buat PR lah, and satu hari nanti aku nak buat PR untuk Siti Nurhaliza.”
Sigh, PR it is now, but not quite Siti Nurhaliza. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

I guess like every other person in this planet, I have said lots of ‘one day’ and ‘satu hari nanti’, especially as a little boy.

One day I will drive expensive fast car
One day I will own a nice cosy little house
One day I will travel all over the world
One day I will teach my kids to play tennis
One day people will name a street after me

Things looked so simple back then, so easy, so do-able. Well things don’t look so simple anymore. What was ‘one day’ back then, it’s ‘today’ or maybe even ‘yesterday’ right now. The ‘one days’ have passed. What I am now is what I will be in the future. No more potential, no more possibilities, no more growth.

Ok, I’m not dying from any disease (not that I know of anyway) and I’m not OLD old, so I admit maybe it’s premature to say all these things. But being realistic, I can’t see any of my boyhood’s ‘one days’ happening at all. At my stage of life right now, there should at the very least some signs that point out I’m heading in the right direction. Unfortunately I can’t see any signs at all. I don’t even have a proper job!

I’m not being negative, I’m not being pessimistic and I’m not being a drama queen. I’m just being honest and maybe a little bit blunt. Anyone who says ‘Don’t worry things will fall into places soon’ or anything like that, is either trying foolishly to be nice or just plain simple deluded. So for anyone who pins their hope to me for whatever reason, stop kidding yourself.

What you see is what you get. Maybe even less.

Scary thought.

Whatever!

Patches

The night is hitting the dawn
And I just said I love you
To a girl I’m not in love with
To a girl I might even hate
All because I have the time
And she has the freedom

Told her to put the glass down
‘Cause in killing the mess
She is killing the sweetness
Though I know fully well
There is nothing sweet at all
In something so tragically fake

I’m seeing through it all now
I’m seeing past all the shows
All the tears all the dramas
The ‘look at me but stay away’ plea
The desperate loony in her thinking
Tragedies make life interesting

But all that are too late
For I still wish I can do more for her
I still wish I can rebuild the world
So it won’t hurt her anymore
I wish I have it in me to take her
To where her heart can smile again

And I still think we can heal each other
Help steer each other’s path ahead
Safely away from the threatening storm
I still think we’ll be happy together
That we will be lovely together
Simple, brilliant, perfect together

The day is hitting the dusk
And I just said I love you
To a girl I’m not in love with
To a girl I might even hate
Probably because I have the time
While she has the freedom

My Friends

My friends are so depressed
I feel the question of your loneliness
Confide...'cause I'll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will

Ex-girlfriend called me up
Alone and desperate on the prison phone
They want to give her seven years
For being sad

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

My friends are so distressed
And standing on the brink of emptiness
No words I know of to express
This emptiness

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

Imagine me, taught by tragedy
Release is peace

I heard a little girl
And what she said was something beautiful
To give your love no matter what
Is what she said

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

Red Hot Chili Peppers
One Hot Minute, 1995

A Different Twist

I failed you didn’t I
When you turned to me for help
Expected me to stand in front
And I failed you

Hope can be a burden
You put the full weight of it on me
And I crumbled
Like a quicksand like a sinkhole
Sucking you down
Deeper into the twilight

Maybe it would have been different
If I were the anchor
Stopping you from drifting further
Not the deceptive wind
Who blew you aimlessly away

You were free
Only to be caged again
You were running
Towards the wrong direction
And I failed you

And with that
The rage grew bigger
To conceal the guilt
To place the blame
Just so the finger pointed away
The bitterness shadowed the reality

Forgive me precious
For I have failed you
Forgive me princess
So I can let you go

A Man Called Ma

Some saw him as evil. Some said he was sadistic. Some thought he was nothing but a bully. Most of the time he was so mean and cold, and my best friend absolutely hated him. However, there were some who told me he was a great friend. Many more acknowledged his brilliance in his work. As for me, until today, I still cannot make up my mind on how I feel about him.

A hard man to please, he set a high standard for his staff to follow and demanded ridiculous amount of effort to make sure everything goes to plan. One thing I can say, he was certainly full of character.

He was my boss at my previous job. The latest happenings in my current work place, coupled with a quick look at my life right now brings my memory back to him. I see my relationship with him as quite strange. On the surface, I didn’t like him too much and he didn’t seem to like me too much either. However, and I don’t know if I am just imagining it, I felt that he for some reason genuinely really wanted to mould and guide me in my work, in his own sadistic and mean way of course. I’m not saying the normal guidance a superior gives to his staff. I think it was more than that.

I don’t really have any incidents to share to show why I feel the way I feel. There were a few incidents of course, but I can only vaguely recall them. They will mean nothing if I try to tell it here.

But one of the few things that I do remember was that one of the highest compliments I got for my writing was from him. He very rarely complimented anyone personally and directly, and true to form (and ironically as well), I got that compliment from him when he berated me about my work, about a newsletter I wrote. He clearly wasn’t happy with it and while shaking his head with angry face, he said, “Hazri, when you are good, you are really good. But when you are bad, you are really bad. I have no time for work like this.” He then proceeded to strike off the newsletter I printed with his red pen, jotted down a few pointers and asked me to re-do it.

Forgive me when what he said there made me feel like I was floating. Forgive me because I only focus on ‘when you’re good…” part and completely ignoring the “when you’re bad…” part, because coming from him, that was as big a compliment as it gets.

Another incident I had with him, which I don’t think I will ever forget, was during my appraisal. At that time I was a real mess. Work pressure and the pressure from being in a relationship with a ridiculously demanding girlfriend really got to me. My work suffered, badly. And I guess he saw that. And what made it worst was my contract was almost finished. With my bad work performance, plus the restructuring of my department that was happening then, I expected my contract to not be renewed. Hell, I myself won’t even renew my contract! I was that bad!

So I filled my appraisal form as honest as I can and in the end I can only gave myself a ‘3C’, with the worst possible rating a ‘4D’. ‘3C’ was a big decrease from my previous agreed rating, a ‘2B’. At first I wanted to change it so it can at least hit ‘3B’ but because I just couldn’t care less at that time, I just let it be.

So when my turn came to face him for the appraisal, I did so emotionless, like a zombie. I sat in front of him, passed him my completed appraisal form and sat quietly while waiting for him to go through it. I fully expected an earful lecture from him about how my performance dipped terribly. About how I’m not meeting his lowest acceptable standard. But to my astonishment, he suddenly burst into a big laugh.

“3C huh? I couldn’t agree more!” he said.

Then, to my bigger astonishment, he put the form aside and asked me, “Hazri, kenapa you ni?”

He looked me straight into my eyes and told me to forget about the appraisal.

“Let’s talk about you,” he said. “Do you have anything to let me know?”

Still astonished, I kept seating in my seat quietly, motionless, meeting his eyes with a blank stare.

Seeing that I’m not saying anything, he said, “Ok then, let me do the talking. You listen to me and listen well!”

So off he went. He told me about getting my priorities right. About doing things at the rate that I can handle. Do not rush things. Think about what I want. Know what I want. Don’t bite more than I can chew.

I remember seating there, horrified, because I knew exactly what he was saying and where he was going. He was talking about my personal relationship. He was telling me that he can see how I was suffering, how my relationship with my girlfriend was killing me and everyone in the office can see it! I was so embarrassed, I felt so pathetic. I never thought anyone could tell that I was suffering.

He continued on talking until he told me about how he made his choice (he didn’t elaborate on what exactly the choice was), about making sacrifice and how his ex girlfriend was not happy about the choice he made. Then he stopped and let a loud sigh out. That part about his girlfriend was a slipped, that was clear. But whether the slipped was because he didn’t mean to let anyone know about his past experience with his girlfriend; or because he didn’t plan to use the word ‘girlfriend’, in fear I would think he crossed the line by intruding into my private life, I’m not sure. But what he said next, almost made my tears flowed out.

“Listen to me Hazri, take it from me who has been through all this before. Trust me, this is not that difficult. This is not that complicated. You might think that it is now, but later in life you will see it differently. All you have to do is make your choice now. Make a firm choice. Think this through. Decide what your priorities are. Delay things that you can delay for now. Forget about other people, think of yourself first.”

“Don’t worry about your contract. I’m offering you a new one. I want you to stay but you will have to improve from here. And go fill a new form. Make it a 3B…. Ok we are done here.”

With that, I quickly got up and walked out from his room. I didn’t want him to see me cry…

Fast forwarded a couple of months later, my girlfriend became my ex, my work suffered even more, I looked terrible all the time, and my boss disappointment in me hit an all time high.

And one night, staying back to finish a newsletter, I said fuck off to his face.

Long story short, it was approaching 10pm, I’ve done a newsletter but I had to wait for him to come back to office so he can approve it that night, because the newsletter needed to go out first thing the next morning.

And he was being his normal ass self, making me wait for so long that night just to wait for his approval. And when he came back to the office, he ridiculed my work (which was so clearly unjustified because I did well, but I’m not getting into it right now), and ask me to re-do it. That’s when I said, “Fuck off, I’m sorry but my brain is not working tonight.” Then I stormed out.

The next morning, I gave him my resignation letter.

He might think I resigned because of what happened the previous night, because we never talked about it. But the truth is, I’ve planned to resign on that day two weeks earlier. I have even sought advice on resigning from my HR friend earlier than that, and he told me to resign on that day. It got nothing to do with the ‘fuck off’ incident. But I bet until today my boss still thinks I resigned because of it.

So those were my experiences with him. Maybe I could’ve gone into more details, especially about the ‘fuck off’ and the resigning bit but writing this is really draining my energy out and I’m so tired right now. Maybe I’ll add more on those bits later. For now, I just hope in reading this, no one will jump to a conclusion on who was right who was wrong. That’s not my intention in writing this. I just want to share my experiences that I had with him because my current work situation is making my mind going back to all this.

I said earlier that I still couldn’t make my mind up on what I think of him, but that is not important. Whatever he was, there is no denying that a large chunk of what I know about my job today came from him. I met him when I was zero, he gave me a chance, I took it and I learned a lot. So for that, I thank you, Mr Ma. I hope I will be able to apply the lessons about work and life that I got from you better. I hope I will not let it go to waste.

Thank you for everything...

Hey, How Are You?

It’s hard to go on when deep down you feel the same ache for years. It’s not a pain anymore, it’s an ache. An ache derived from many things, but born from the same source, hopelessness.

I’ve felt it for so long that I don’t even have the energy to talk about it anymore. No point. When I am seen, I smile, I laugh and I talk about my plans tomorrow. I tell them what I want to do, what I want to get, and where I want to go. And while all that, smiling and telling them my plans, I feel the ache so deep inside that it won’t and it can’t reflect through my expressions any longer. My smiles are genuine. When I laugh I’m not faking it. But the smiles and laugh are entangled with the ache. I can smile and laugh all I want but they will never be enough to lessen the ache.

When I am not seen, when I am all alone, I still laugh and I still smile. But they are directed to myself, at how I am now. And the ache remains there. I can’t even get down on my knees with head in hands, crying my heart out, without feeling I have no right to all that anymore. That I’m just bullshitting myself.

So this, what I’m doing now is the only thing I can think of that can cushioned the hit from the ache. I’ve written a lot of things that I can’t get myself to actually put it out, because they are too blunt and they will come across as too dramatic. But in this one I hope I managed to pour out how I really feel without the drama. I’m not asking for sympathy from anyone. I’m not even asking for help. I just need to let it out so I will be understood, and not be looked upon strangely. I just need to let it out and I like to think of this blog as my amnesty, no matter what I say.

Anyway, I’m writing this because today I was asked “Hey, how are you?”. The genuine ‘how are you’, from a friend who I talk to (chat with) everyday. To a friend that I tell all my problems and feelings to (well most of it anyway).

I was told that I didn’t sound too good, and this was through a chat session. I don’t sound too good from a chat. “What’s wrong,” she asked. Out of the blue, when we were chatting normally, while she was telling me about her work, while I was trying to help her with her work. I could’ve sworn I was being my normal self. Not even once I complaint or whine about anything but still she said I didn’t sound too good. Still, out of the blue, in the middle of our conversation about her report she has to do, she asked “Hey, how are you?”.

I guess what I’m trying to do here is to thank her for asking me the simple yet heartfelt question, and at the same time I’m trying to answer her because I didn’t say much when she asked me . I appreciate it very much and it did make me feel better.

So the next time you ask someone 'how are you', mean it, because it can really make a difference.

Deserted

Allow me to hope
You will be in my dreams
As my reality is taboo to you
You are becoming elusive
When once I had you
Firmly in my grips

If I’m allowed one question
Why are you staying away
Even on my sunniest of days
I resent seeing you with them
While I’m standing on the side
Struggling with the tide

I cannot go on without you
All I’m asking for are moments
Not eternity, not without ends
How can you be there for them
Even when they are crying
Yet not me, even when I’m laughing

So allow me to hope
You will be in my dreams
As my reality is taboo to you
And if it's not too big a dream
One day I’ll have you again
Firmly in my grasp.

Filtering Idiocy

So, porn filter for our internet huh? Should I cry, or should I applaud it? It seems that many, many people are against it. They have their reasons of course and one of the reasons (the most valid reason imho) is because they fear the government would use the filtering for more than just porn. DS Dr Rais Yatim swiftly responded by giving assurance that the filtering will strictly be for porn, and porn only.

Now if we leave it at that, then we will all live happily ever after. Our children (ehem) will be safe and guarded from the bad influence that is porn. We will be free from pornographic culture, say DS Dr Rais Yatim. The problem is though, not many people will leave it at that, because the problem here is about trust. People do not trust government anymore. Whatever they do or say will be met with skeptical feedback. In this case, even though DS Dr Rais Yatim has given his assurance, people still think government will use the filtering system to suffocate everyone and everything that is against government. This is what I feel the government just doesn’t get. The trust is gone, completely! The sooner they realise this the better. The sooner they realise it, the sooner they can fix the dwindling support they receive. Maybe then they will stop losing elections.

Anyway, I’m not going to talk about our government here. And I’m not going to talk about the filtering plan. Instead, I’m going to talk about getting your message across without losing your class and without losing respect. See below.



Now if you need pointing out, I have a problem, a very big problem, with minute 2.10 until 2.45.

What in the world is that? Seriously, what in the world is that?

I am a supporter of the government. It pains me to see DS Anwar Ibrahim getting so much support. It pains me to see how it is fashionable to hate government now. You want to be cool, you support DS Anwar. That’s how bad things are right now.

And I’m a supporter of our national language, Bahasa Melayu (or is it Bahasa Malaysia? Sort it out DBP, and stick with it. Don’t keep changing it!) If you don’t believe me, ask my friends. Ask my family. Some of them will even tell you I’m a nationalist! And read one of my postings, Random Thoughts. Trust me, I’m very unhappy with the status of our national language now.

So I am not being a one eyed biased opposition when I feel he was way out of order there. He has a point, I couldn’t agree with him more. My problem is with his arrogant, classless approach to it.

I just cannot understand why he chose to be so arrogant. His facial expression, the look of disgust. The “Where were you educated?” question. The way he ridiculed the reporter by mimicking ‘mat saleh slang’. Absolutely no need for all that. Couldn’t he just tell the reporter in a polite but firm way to speak in Bahasa? He is after all our current Information, Communications, Culture and Arts Minister. He should at the very least know how not to look like a twat in a press conference.

Now I understand he might hold Bahasa very close to his heart and because of that he reacted emotionally and irrationally. He was one of the very vocal voices that didn’t agree with PPSMI and I respect him for that. So I’m guessing here he wants what is best for Bahasa. But pushing people away is not the way. Making people hate you is not that way. How will people listen to you if they hate you? It's common sense. You can be firm and classy at the same time. In that press conference he was so classless I'm actually ashamed to admit I see him as the better leaders out there.

I have said it many times, too many people talk about ‘English’ but no one talks about ‘Bahasa’. Bahasa is being (deliberately?) left to die. It’s getting worse and worse but still no one talks about the need to revive Bahasa. No one talks about the need to give back the respect that Bahasa deserves. So if DS Dr Rais Yatim really cares about it, he needs to do something about this. He is one of the senior, more respected figure in our government, surely he can act on it. Acting the big man like he did in that press conference won’t do any good.

So what can anyone do for a dying language that many claimed to have no relevance in the world today? I admit it is a difficult subject to get into. But no pain no gain right? I was told that foreigners who want to work in Sweden must enroll in Swedish class (or is it applicants for citizenship?). It is the law there. Honestly I don’t know how it is with us here but I bet we don’t have any laws or rules similar to that. (If I’m wrong I stand corrected).

I’m sure there are other ways that we can use to revive Bahasa. And I’m sure our smart leaders can think of the ways, if they put their efforts in. To be or not to be, that’s how I see it.

I don’t expect miracles in all this but I want to at least see some one who matters, in our world class government, to start making noises about Bahasa, not just English.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Love Poetry

Sometimes you are the definition of simplicities,
To think what I write is my exact reflection,
When my little fingers tapping the keys,
Often only to fill the void, as a relaxation.

Now you don’t always get it wrong,
As your hunch can be eerily accurate,
But in this you can’t possibly be more wrong,
Because they are just made ups, things I create.

So say it no matter how many times,
You can spin it in any ways you want,
Point your fingers to me until they are numb,
The fact is I’m just having a bit of fun.

And just to prove that I’m right.
I’m not going to write her love poetry,
Not now, not this time, not tonight,
Simply because you expect me to, sweetie.

I’m not going to write her love poetry,
‘Cause you want me to,
As you expect me to..
:p

Inspired by 'Love Song', Sara Bareilles...

The Beautiful Ones

Baby, baby, baby
Whats it gonna be
Baby, baby, baby
Is it him or is it me?
Dont make me waste my time
Dont make me lose my mind baby

Baby, baby, baby
Cant u stay with me tonight
Oh baby, baby, baby
Dont my kisses please u right
U were so hard 2 find
The beautiful ones, they hurt u everytime

Paint a perfect picture
Bring 2 life a vision in ones mind
The beautiful ones
Always smash the picture
Always everytime

If I told u baby
That I was in love with u
Oh baby, baby, baby
If we got married
Would that be cool?

U make me so confused
The beautiful ones
U always seem 2 lose

Baby, baby,
Baby, baby,
Baby, baby,
Baby,
Whats it gonna be baby?

Do u want him?
Or do u want me?
Cause I want u
Said I want u
Tell me, babe
Do u want me?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Do u want me?
Baby, baby, baby
Listen 2 me
I may not know where Im going (babe)
I said I may not know what I need
One thing, one things 4 certain baby
I know what I want, yeah
And if it please u baby
Please u, baby
Im begging down on my knees
I want u
Yes I do
Baby, baby, baby, baby
I want you

Yes I do

Mariah Carey
Butterfly 1997

Random Thoughts 4

Above is the mental note I made to myself because although I know I’ve gained a lot of weight, I still look for my previous size when I’m trying out clothing. Stupidity to the max. Stupidity that leads to indescribable frustration when I’m in the dressing room. Stupidity that was born out of denial. So I hope after this when I’m choosing clothing off the rack, I’ll look straight for my new undesired size, because I’ve made that mental note for myself.


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I’m thinking to get a new car in the near future. I’ve made a shortlist of the cars that I would like to have. Caldina, Hyundai i30, Peugeot 407 and Volkswagen Golf. Unfortunately I can’t afford any of those so I tossed the list away. Looks like it will be either Persona or Neo. I LOVE Neo when it first came out but I think I’m too old for it now (sigh). So Persona it is then. I’ve already browsed a few forums to see what people think of it and although complaints about stupid poor quality of Proton interior still dominated, surprisingly quite a few people claimed Persona drives better on highway than Honda City. Hmmm…..


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Do you know the saying ‘Love the one who loves you’ ? (Or something like that). I think it is an incredibly stupid saying. If everyone follows the saying, no one will be in love. Everyone will only wait for the others to fall in love first. So everyone will stay single. Do you see how stupid it is?

“Why aren’t you in love?”
“Because no one loves me. We can only love the one who love us, remember?”
“But they are also waiting for you to love them first!”
“Yup, that’s the problem.”

Incredibly stupid!


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I wanna quit smoking but I honestly don’t know if I can do it. It’s getting worse for me, I’m now depending on it to make sure my day doesn’t suck. (Hmm, I have to rephrase that, I’m now depending on cigarettes to minimize the suckiness of my day). I read somewhere that one of the steps to quit smoking is that you need to gradually reduce the frequency of it, that every time you feel the urge to smoke, try to delay it for as long as you can. Well I’m trying that now, but my god, I got really grumpy when I delay it! I seriously cannot control how angry I get. I know that it is the urge that making me angry but still every little thing just make me feel like headbutting the wall! I’m worried about how I’m going to cope with it this coming puasa. It was bad for me last year and now that I’m getting worse, this year promises to be a torture. Wish me luck!


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The show ‘Secrets of Magicians Revealed’ is a bit like a reflection of my life right now (dramatic I know). What I mean is, every time they play the teaser for that show I really can’t wait to watch it. How magicians make the girl floats and then cut her into 2, how magicians make an elephant disappear right in front of our eyes and how magicians do that ‘magic door’ trick where suddenly out of nowhere a whole group of people can come out from behind the door when just seconds before there was nothing behind it. So the teaser always make me wait for the show excitedly and when I finally get to watch it, when I finally understand how magicians do their tricks, I got bitterly disappointed. Suddenly those tricks seem too simple too stupid. The mystery is gone and I regret watching it. It’s the mystery that I want, figuring it out is what attracts me. Once the mystery is gone, once I figured it out, I lost interest, I got disappointed and I feel stupid. Once I have it it my hands it bores me to death.
I need to be carefull about this.

Endless

*To fully appreciate this poem, read it to the tune of the song that kids sing when they are playing jump rope or something like that. I hope you know what I mean...

Round and round and round it goes,
How it will end well no one knows,
Bigger higher deeper it grows,
Stronger and faster down to the toes.

Been holding on to what they told me,
Keep believing and surely you’ll see,
Nothing to worry it will be easy.
Hold your ground and don’t act silly.

So wait and wait and wait I did,
Head down brave face gritted teeth,
Smiling laughing full of wit,
But in the night is when it hits.

Deep in the night it hits me in waves,
The tide that swept me to the edge of the grave,
And deep in the night I’m nothing but a slave,
Of my own memories that I once craved.

But humbly still I wait and wait,
And humbly still I’m keeping the faith,
One day all will be fully paid,
Like they told me like they said.

Round and round and round it goes,
When it will end well I don’t know…

50 Questions

Shamelessly stolen from Reading Ayu...

1.Your name spelled backwards.

Irzah. Pretty name. I’m still working on getting my friends to name their daughters that.

2. Where were your parents born?
Don’t know. I don’t know anything about my parents. How old they are, the year they got married, etc2. I should get an award for being the most useless son ever.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Mariah Carey’s Butterfly. The best album ever. Brings back the memory.

4. What's your favourite restaurant?
Don’t know. I don’t think I have one. KFC maybe… Shut up!

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
3-4 years back maybe? Bad news for all you girls out there, I may never again swim in a pool.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yes, in this slapstick Ultraman play. Do you know the version of Ultraman where it needs a guy and a girl to combine to become one? That was me! Err, as the guy I mean, not the girl.

7. How many kids do you want?
Two. A boy and a girl.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Dangdut. Funnily enough I recently referred to my style of writing as ‘the dangdut of writing’.

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes. Voted for the opposition even though I’m a supporter of the government.

10. Are you homesick?
I wish. Trust me, I wish I am. :-(

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Now why would I want to do that?

12. Ever prank call anybody?
Stop giving me ideas!

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Yes, and I ain’t paying.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Only if my life depends on it.

15. Furthest place you ever travelled?
Anfield. On a big European night, with the Kop going all out with the flag day (through the idiot box of course).

16. Do you have a garden?
I used to have one of those little cacti in the little pot. Does that count?

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Calvin & Hobbes, Baby Blues, Dilbert.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
I even know Rukun Negara, Negeri Sembilan anthem and that ‘Setia’ song.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, morning and night, all the time. Because I'm lazy.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I love you man.

21. Favorite pizza topping?
I don’t know. But I sure don’t like the Tandoori topping. Ridiculous.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Popcorn.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Err… This is what I get for answering 'chicks' questions.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
I didn’t even know it was possible.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
I’ve been in a ‘Pakaian Beragam’ contest while in kindergarten, dressed as a baby. Complete with botol susu and puting. I lost. Stupid judges.

26. Orange or Apple juice?
Apple I guess.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
With my friend from Subang. Dinner at uptown SA.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Snickers. By far!

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
The last election.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
How about never?

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes. My biggest trophy (literally) has got to be the one I won in my school tennis tournament. It was only a school tournament, but my god our coach really like to glamorise us, hence the very huge inappropriate trophy.

32. Are you a good cook?
I roasted grasshoppers a few times when I was a kid. Then I fed them to the ants. I guess the ants would say I was a good cook.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Yes. It’s not rocket science.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
I think I ordered one thing for my mum. Can’t remember what it was.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
Are there any difference?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
No. But I have a friend who does. Loser!

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
A brush you use for showering. A God sent!

38. Ever throw up in public?
Yes, when I was a kid. Think I get car sick back then.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Millionaire. Then I can buy love. Who cares if it’s true love or not.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, but I also believe in Santa Claus.

41. Ever call a 1-800 number?
Hmm, I don’t think so..

42. Can exes be friends?
Why? We should all want our exes to die horrible deaths.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Thankfully a friend who gave birth.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I’ll ask my mum later.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
Standard message that the telco provides. I have stupid voice. And I can't pronounce words properly. Instead of leaving messages people would just laugh.

46. What's your all time favourite cartoon character?
Homer J Simpson – “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems”.

47. What was the name of your first pet?
I never named my pets.

48. What is in your purse?
I don’t have a purse thankfully.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
You don’t wanna know.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That I can still ‘feel’. Seriously, I’m grateful for that. That's what I prayed for a few years back and now I 'feel', full blast!

My Life

My life,
It doesn’t have a sweet voice narrating it
No loud trumpets announcing victories
No gloomy days accompanying my tears.

My dreams,
They are filled with your faces
When the lids are closed I can hear you clearly
In every motion, in every emotion.

My wants,
A constant struggle against what I need
Greedily trying to grasp too much wrong
When I can’t even grab the simplest of right.

My words,
No more than just worthless broken records
I continue asking all the wrong questions
While scouring for the right answers.

My vengeance,
It’s spreading wider than I dare to admit
Like a time bomb dangerously ticking away
With only a few more seconds to spare.

My sanity,
It has been tested ever so vigorously
With every calamity a piece is taken away
While no rapture can mend it back together.

My Life,
A sorry reminder of the power above.

Outside

It's hard to explain
Inherently, it's just always been strange
Neither here nor there
Always somewhat out of place everywhere
Ambiguous
Without a sense of belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway
Feeling there's no-one completely the same

Standing alone
Eager to just believe
It's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

Early on, you face the realisation
You don't have a space
Where you fit in
And recognise you were born to exist

Standing alone
Eager to just believe
It's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

And it's hard
And it's hard
And it's hard

Irreversibly
Falling in-between
And it's hard
And it's hard
To be understood
As you are
As you are

Oh, and God knows
That you're standing on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You're thrown
Where you're never quite the same
Although you try
Try and try
To tell yourself you really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside
You'll always be
Somewhere on the outside

Mariah Carey
Butterfly 1997

Random Thoughts 3

I love driving. Be it short or long distance, through the jam or through the highway, I would want to be the one who drives. This doesn’t mean I drive with a smile on my face all the time though. Like a normal person, I will still complaint about the jam, about other idiot drivers, about being tired, about being lazy to drive and also if my co-driver just sit on his or her ass doing nothing, not even helping to look for parking. Why do I like driving so much then? I think a big part of it is because driving puts me in control. In fact I think driving is the only time where I feel confident and in full control of myself and my life. Plus, there are very few people that I trust to drive me. What can I say, there are too many idiots in this life so you can never be too careful. I prefer to put my safety in my own hands.

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Siti Nurhaliza knows CPR! I’m quite impressed with that. She tried to help Yasmin Ahmad with CPR when she collapsed. Wow, I guess being the ambassador of Red Crescent really paid off… I don’t even know what CPR stands for. To think about it, it is important to learn CPR. You can never know when you will need it. I guess it is in our culture to ignore these kind of things. Hmm, maybe I will start learning it. Maybe Megan Fox can be my CPR dummy. Just as an added incentive..

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Have you heard about the dog, Chiko? Or maybe Kiko? Not really sure about the name but the dog was from Japan, famous for being very loyal. In fact, the dog’s loyalty is legendary. I first heard about the dog’s story in Mix.fm, in one of those advertisements/campaigns narrated by Jojo something (a VJ I think). And then I heard that the story of the dog will be made into a movie with Richard Gere in it. Wow, not bad for a dead Japanese dog. Apparently, a lot of people are touched by the story of this dog. The dog waited for his master/owner/whatever to return from work at a train station everyday, at a specific time without fail. One day the master died and obviously never come back ever again. But this dog kept on waiting as usual everyday at the same place until it died. And because of that the dog gained the status of legendary. Wow, loyalty huh? Will it be so twisted if I see it as stupid? Because I do see it as stupid. And I can’t believe anything would gain legendary status for their stupidity. Except for Forest Gump of course…

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Being mysterious is not the same as being cool. Having secrets is not the same as being cool. Some people think it is though. They want to be cool so they go as far as faking it. Can you imagine faking about having secret and being mysterious? It’s fine if you have secrets. Everybody has secrets. But the thing is, a secret is a secret. You don’t want other people to know about it, that is why it is called secret. Duh! But for the people who think it’s cool having secrets, they think it’s cool to make everyone else wonder about them having secrets. So they will be like “Ooh I have a secret, but I can’t tell you. I’m so cool because I have a secret that you don’t know”. If you have a secret and you don’t want anyone else to know about it, keep it to yourself. Why would you go around telling people that you have a secret? It’s stupid.
There, I’ve said it! Phew…

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I can’t wait for Mix.fm Dearly Deported to start. It’s the latest in the line of potentially cruel inhuman reality show to hit our country. The show offers you to be reunited with your love ones who you haven’t seen in at least 5 years, provided you managed to answer questions about that person correctly. While you answer these questions, you will get to see that person through a glass wall. But that’s all, you cannot go hug that person or say hi. You can only watch. After you’re done with the questions, depending on how you did, they will let you spend time with your love ones, with two weeks being the maximum. If you failed to answer any question, you won’t even get to say hi, they will send the person back to where ever he or she was from. Now you know what I mean by ‘potentially cruel inhuman’ show? But it is ok, we like to watch other people suffer and I’m sure Mix.fm will make a lot of money from this. That is why the show is ok, that is why the show is allowed.
One thing for sure, it will be fun!

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Something terrible happened to me last night. Until now I cannot believe that it actually happened. It was something that you read in the news, something that I always feel will only happen to somebody else. But it happened to me, and I cannot believe it. I’m actually lucky to be able to blog about this. That’s how unbelievable it was. But I can’t tell you, because it was just too amazingly unbelievable so I better keep it to myself as my deepest secret.
You see, now I’m cool, because you know I have a big secret but you can never know what it is. Boo hoo…

The Untold

It is a terrible feeling isn’t it, when you have to run away from happiness. You certainly don’t want to, but you have no choice, you just have to. A terrible, terrible feeling.

Imagine being happy in the moment with that warm tingling feeling, feeling appreciated, feeling that you belong. So you smile and laugh, your eyes bright and sparkle reflecting the warmth. Then you allow yourself to go deeper in the bliss without a care in the world. And you allow yourself to dream. You convince yourself that you can make it work and it is working, that you have a lot to give and can make it better, and that you are needed.

But somehow, in the middle of all that, when you are right at the peak of the happiness, when you are convince that this time it is for real, somehow, you manage to snap out of it. Sense comes rushing in. Logic and reality take their places. And you crash down so violently.

That’s when you feel it, the first of the terrible feeling. The pain, like a dagger through your heart. You feel it deep, the feeling of reality, and it just hurt so badly. You feel worthless and defeated.

Immediately you want to chuck away the feeling. You want it gone straight away. And because of that, you resort to anger. You cry foul. You choose to point finger. By any means, you want the feeling to go away.

And again reality takes place. The realisation of the truth hurts you more. The realisation that the finger should only point to you. It is unfair to be angry. So you keep on smiling. You try to maintain the bright sparkling eyes even though inside you are sinking.

You force a smile for the root of it all when it is right in front of you. You have no choice but to control the feelings you feel in the first place. You allow yourself to indulge in it for a little bit and at the same time you built up walls around you so you won’t get lost in the happiness. And it’s hard, so hard to pull yourself out every time you get too deep, but you just have to. Every time the happiness gets too overwhelming, you run away from it but only to be pull back in. And this keeps on happening, keeps on repeating. The longer it goes on, the more it keeps repeating, the harder it gets. And it is so hard.

The thought of saying goodbye for good cross your mind but you lack the strength to do it. You can’t muster enough courage and will power to say it out loud. Why? Because although you know it’s impossible, you can’t help but continue to hope that someday you won’t have to run anymore. Although it is ridiculous, your heart overrules your mind. You keep on hoping that one day you won't be allowed to run.

So you stay guarded within the walls you built to taste a bit of the happiness again, although you know well it is going nowhere. Even when you fully understand you will have to keep running, even when you know you have to keep disappointing your heart every time it gets too much.

And that's when the misery complete, that's when the terrible feeling complete. The terrible, terrible feeling.

All because the root of it all is so precious to you.

And it is so hard...

Awakening

I met an old friend this afternoon. I knew him from my school days, during this one tennis tournament. He beat me in a close match and we got along well after that. We stayed in touch and became quite close, until we lost contact a few years back. Never thought I would ever saw him ever again but it is a small world after all.

He didn’t change much. I recognised him instantly when I saw him. He was with this very pretty girl which I thought was his girlfriend. She was carrying a few plastic bags so I guess they were in the middle of their shopping.

Seeing me, he sent his girl away, telling her he wanted to do some catching up with me. She didn’t look please at first but after a few firm words from him, she obeyed.

We ended up having a drink, laughing at old stories and telling new ones to each other. One conversation led to another until he told me he has never been happier than he is now. The reason, he said confidently, “I made the best decision I have ever made. After I broke up with my long time girlfriend, I decided to stay single. And I've been single ever since.”

I asked him about the pretty girl and he told me, “No, she’s not my girlfriend. She is just one of the girls I’m having fun with right now.”

“Er, does she know that? She seems madly in love with you,” I asked him.

“That’s not my problem,” he said without any hesitation. “She’s a great girl and all, but I’m just looking for some fun. She makes me happy in more ways than one, if you know what I mean, but in the end she is just a girl.”

He then continued telling me, “You must be wondering what the hell happened that made me this way right? Actually nothing happened. I just woke up one morning feeling girls should be enjoyed and nothing else. So enjoying them I am!”

“And this really is making you happy?” I asked.

“Yes, happier than I have ever been,” he answered firmly.

“Are you going to call me a big bastard now?” He asked looking straight at me.

I looked straight back at him, paused a few seconds. Then I smiled and said, “Well, yes, you big bastard......well done...”

He smiled back, “I knew you would understand.”

We continued our conversation until the pretty girl came back, excitedly telling him, “Sayang, look what I got you. I bet you will look great in it!”

And we kept on smiling...

White Flag

Volatile heart is mine,
And true enough only volatile hearts linked to mine.
A curse or simply order of the world,
In the end we all get what we deserve.

My downfall is I remember too well,
The colours and the scent, all too well
All planted deep in my memory, unforgivingly,
Anchored by my hatred and wrapped in self pity.

I don’t mean to hang on to it too much,
But they keep on playing in my mind like a chant.
And no longer I know the right from the wrong,
Addled by bitterness my judgement is gone.

Oh how I long for the lost times,
When the heart was still smiling and calm,
How I’m tired of the lonely rainy days,
When even the mind has nothing to say.

I’m giving up, because I can’t see the point anymore.

Random Thoughts 2

I love Evanescence. I really like Amy Lee’s vocal, I like their lyrics and I like their style of music. I used to listen to them all the time. Not anymore though. I haven’t listened to them in quite a while, until last night when I couldn’t sleep and was bored to the bones. And last night, as soon as I heard the first note of one of their songs, I remembered why I’ve stopped listening to them. They remind me too much of the ‘happenings’. The pain, the fear, the loneliness….the craziness. Such a pity. Well I hope they will come out with a new album soon so I can link new memories to their songs.
But, do they even exist anymore?

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Puasa is coming soon and then raya. A bit of a cliché but I really feel it was only yesterday I grumpily woke up for sahur and then contemplating whether to go to terawikh or not. Like it was only yesterday I went to buy baju melayu at Semua House, where the salesgirl laughed at me because I can fit the baju well, but not the pants. Stupid girl. It will be interesting this coming puasa to see if I dare to come out with any resolutions like I did last year. Yup last year, when I spectacularly failed all my resolutions.
I think I’m going to spend a bit for this year’s raya. Not too much though, I have to save some money for Bruce, another major service is coming up. The last time I sent Bruce for a major service, I ended up paying over 1k!!

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My family always takes time out for a holiday at least once a year. We used to go more often than recent times, understandably as now everyone got busy with their own lives, so it’s really difficult to gather everyone at the same time. I’m hoping to get my way if we were going for another holiday. I want to go to Tasik Kenyir! I’ve been there once, when I was 7 I think. And until now I can remember how I was in a real awe with Kenyir. What made me so in awe was that I can’t believe how they had almost everything in the lake. At that time they had jungle tracking, waterfalls, and big islands. They had all kind of animals and I remember when during the jungle tracking we found an ‘elephant alley’. The guide told me elephant only uses their alleys to move around, they won’t just wonder and roam randomly. And the guide told me that’s why we can’t stay at an elephant alley for too long because of course, being in the way of rampaging wild elephants is never a good idea. But then again, the guy might have been bullshitting me, seeing how I was so eagerly interested and gullible.
Anyway, ever since then I’ve been dreaming to go back to Tasik Kenyir and hopefully I can go there soon. I heard that place is now ‘developed’ with resorts and more activities. I just hope they haven’t ruined it yet.

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Pre-season football is starting soon. Really, really can’t wait. I haven’t watched TV in a long time because there is no football (no Liverpool anyway). And when there is no football to watch, TV is just not worth it anymore… I hope Rafa will get it right this season. The way we played towards the end of last season was unbelievable. I will be very disappointed if he changed back to his defensive play. And I’m still hoping for David Silva. Slim chance I know, but he is what we need. Just get him in and we will be in for a shout again. The new season can’t come too soon for me!

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I cannot understand why ‘The Shield’ is not getting the recognition it deserves. For me, it is the best TV series ever, bar none. The script, the plot, the acting are all superb. It got a lot of hype and awards during its first and second season but then what happened? Don’t tell me they are just like the other series where the stories and plots got really messy. The Shield stayed consistent right till the end. I’ve finished watching the final season (season 7) and the ending was amazing. Looking back on it now, it’s incredible to see how they managed to control the story to still be realistic and not be over the top with the plot. And the acting in it is by far the best I’ve ever seen in a TV series. Nothing will ever come close to it, mark my word.

Random Thoughts

Do you know the saying ‘doing things religiously’, as in ‘he goes jogging religiously’? It means doing it very frequently. Well I think the phrase now has the opposite meaning. People all over the world have increasingly put religion in the back seat, with money in the front seat. Doesn’t matter who you pray to, or claim to pray to, religion no longer tops the priority list for many people. So really, I feel the original meaning of the saying doesn’t apply anymore. Maybe we should change it to ‘he goes jogging businessly’. Businesssically? Businesially?

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I have always wondered why a fly cannot, or does not, fly at night. In fact, they turn sluggish and stupid. If you want to kill a fly during the day you will really need to put your efforts in. At night however, you can even catch a fly alive, and that with your eyes closed. It won’t fly away, instead it will just try to crawl away pathetically. I just don’t get it.

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My boss went to a function the other night that had all the top dogs from both political and corporate world. Our chairman, chairman of GUP, was the host apparently. And my boss told me that our chairman in his speech didn’t mention our name even once! I feel that was astonishing especially after he told us that he and the rest of the board of trustees are working hard for the survival of GUP. The function was a great opportunity for him as the chairman of GUP to let all those VIPs know about GUP and he didn’t. Why? To make it more unbelievable, he mentioned a project we are involved it, one of our most successful project I have to add, and he didn’t mention our name. He mentioned our partner’s name, the partner WE FUNDED for the project, and he didn’t mention our name! I can only come to one conclusion, he is embarrassed with GUP.

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I like P Ramlee, not as much as a lot of other people seem to be, but I do like him. I don’t know the lines from his movies like I know the back of my hands and I don’t think I will laugh that much anymore watching his comedy, but I do appreciate him and I agree that he was a true genius. However, I just don’t get it when our comedians today try to copy his style and use it in their performances. They look so stupid doing it. His style was the best during his time and his time only. If you want to keep his work and style alive as a tribute to his greatness, of course you can but change it to suit it to today. Keep it fresh. Don’t be lazy and unimaginative idiots by doing it exactly like he did because like I said you will look stupid and classless. And worst of all, you will tarnish all of P Ramlee’s brilliant work. So if you can't do much better than you are doing right now, please stop doing it. It's better to start creating your own style and be original. Leave P Ramlee alone.

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English this, English that. We need to allocate more time for English in school. Let’s teach math and science in English, hell let’s teach Bahasa in English. In the mean time, just let Bahasa rot to die. It doesn’t matter that no one can speak proper Bahasa anymore, doesn’t matter that the written version is completely different from the spoken version. Let’s leave it that way because Bahasa is not relevant anymore. Right now I’m just waiting for an ‘expert’ to suggest we should change our official language to English, much easier that way.

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I have a deep ‘disliking’ towards Sharifah Aini. Yup, The Sharifah Aini, the one who her adoring fans call Biduanita Negara. I can’t quite put my fingers to why I dislike her. I’m sure she is a nice person and all but still I just don’t like her. It was not that incident where she claimed she was ‘abducted’ and injected with a virus or a poison or something, I’ve started to dislike her way before that. Maybe it’s her big hair. I have always hated big hair. Maybe it was the constant talk about her moles, how many she has, how many of them are new. That just annoy me to the limit. Or maybe, I just hate the way she talks. Do you notice how she talks? It’s like she is the most important person in the world. And I hate her big laugh as well. “Hahaha me Sharifah me biduanita me important!”
Sigh….

My First Crush

I still remember this girl I met when I was about 10 I think, not really sure. (Actually ‘saw’, not ‘met’, and from far!). I was at a hospital then somewhere in Terengganu, visiting my grandma. The girl was at the hospital for a woman who looked to be her mum. She was probably my age or maybe even younger. The first time I saw her, she was in her cute blue baju kurung.

I don’t know what it was, but I just can’t take my eyes off her. She was cute for sure, but I don’t think that was the reason I can’t stop staring at her. Maybe it was because she impressed me. While I, as a brat, shadowed my mum all the time, she was doing stuff for her sick mum. She basically took care of her mum and she did it without looking awkward at all. And I could’ve sworn she did it alone because I cannot remember seeing anyone else with her at any point of time. (Admittedly, I didn’t remember anyone else probably because I just focused on her and ignored everyone else).

Anyway, we visited my grandma everyday for a week and although I felt hospitals were creepy at that time, I just cannot wait to go there because of the girl. I just wanted to meet (I mean see) the girl again. So the whole time I was at the hospital, I stared at her. Watching her getting water for her mum, watching her towelling her mum, watching her helping her mum to eat, watching her…

And she noticed me watching her. Of course she did. A few times she looked back at me, and one time she even gave me a smile. And I was in love…

I wish I could say here that I managed to gather enough courage to finally go talk to her. That we became friends. That we stayed in touch till today…

I didn’t do anything. Every time she looked back at me I looked away, pretending I didn’t even notice her. Guess what I did when she smiled at me that one time? I frowned.

Well I was 10. You can’t expect a 10 year old to pick up a girl at a hospital (who was taking care of her sick mum by the way), can you? I don’t even know how to pick up a girl right now and I’m already 30! So I guess it was understandable that I didn’t do anything about that girl.

But I managed to do one thing though, I know her name. It was Ana. Or Ena. Or maybe Nana. I heard her mum called out her name and it had something with ‘Na’ in it, so I think most probably her name was Ana. What a beautiful name!

I saw her every single day for that week, didn’t do anything about it and I never saw her again after that.

Thinking about it now, I’m convinced she is my soulmate. We are meant to be with each other. That’s why I’m single right now, to wait for her to come back to me, to wait for the moment for us to be re-united (although we never were in any sort of forms being united).

So Ana (or Ena/Nana), if you are reading this, you know what to do.

Loser's Log

I went out on a date last Friday night,
With this girl so hot my jeans got tight,
I tried to kiss her under the moonlight,
Got kicked in the nuts but don’t worry I was alright.

I wanted to call you right after she left,
Wanted to tell you ‘bout the beating I just had,
But I went against it because I was scared,
What would you think of me and colour me bad.

I planned to go jogging Saturday morning,
Well I had to really, my tummy is ballooning,
Wearing my all new gears I started stretching,
One simple move later I heard sound of bones breaking.

So I spent the rest of the day nursing the pain,
Thought of calling you to whine and complaint,
Didn’t do it though for a reason I won’t explain,
I felt my whining isn't something you would entertain.

Stayed at home the whole of last Sunday,
Read a book about this guy who turned gay,
And secretly in my heart I hoped and prayed,
One day you will love me and stop me going that way.

Later that night I dialed your number,
Wanted to ask you to go out for supper,
But you were probably out with your friends so super,
You won’t even remember my name, so I thought why bother.

You see,
I want to share so many things with you,
Call you all the time, talk about what’s new,
In everything I do, I think of you,
No exaggeration there, believe me it’s true.

Maybe one day I will let you know,
Maybe someday I will try again,
Until then I guess you can pretend you don’t know,
And save me the embarrassment from the rejection again.



** Inspired by Blink 182, the funniest band ever! **

Open Letter to Mr Owen

Hi there Mr Owen,

How are you? How did you enjoy your summer holiday? Holiday is over right? I mean, pre-season is starting soon and most players are already backed with their team doing their fitness right now.

I wonder where did you go for your holiday this summer. Some exotic island maybe? Or probably you went to one of those fitness farms as you were just recovering from your injury? I’m probably far off here. Maybe you didn’t travel anywhere at all. Maybe you just spent time at home with your gorgeous wife and your beautiful kid instead. And golfing. Or maybe, yeah I think this was it, you ‘spent’ time with your race horses, one of your biggest passions, right?


I’m just playing the guessing game here. There are 1001 things you could have done and 1001 places you could have gone to during your holiday. Anything is possible, because you are Michael Owen. You have the name and you certainly have the money. You could even go to space I think, had you really wanted to.

For me, life is as usual. Actually right now it’s a bit boring to be honest because, yeah you’ve guessed it, it is the off season. No football, nothing really to look forward to. The closest I can get to football is by reading all the transfer gossips. Also I keep looking out for your news, keeping an eye on your next step and secretly hoping you would come back to Liverpool. Yes, Liverpool. I’m a big fan of Liverpool Football Club, Mr Owen. I’m obsessed about the club.

Do you know how I started supporting Liverpool? Well I have always told people I’m a fan of Liverpool since as far as I can remember. But I was one of those glory hunters then. I don’t know much about the team at all, but I wanted to be associated with them because at that time they were very successful. And I mean VERY SUCCESSFUL. (Of course you know all about it). But you know what made me a real fan? It was the 1996 FA Cup final, Liverpool vs Man Utd. We lost 0-1 in that game. I’m not going to go into the details, but the unfortunate way Liverpool lost that game made me a real fan.

But still after that game, I was nowhere near as big of a fan as I am now. It took another factor that elevated my interest to Liverpool Football Club to a near obsession. Took me another factor that made me learned everything there is to learn about the club. The tradition, the history, the success, the failure. I read up and learned all that. And that factor was you, Mr Owen. You made me the fan that I am today. My obsession with Liverpool Football Club started with you.

Like I said, after that game I started to learn more about the club. I took more interest, and that was when I learned about you. A young player making waves in the reserve team. Everyone spoke highly of you. At that time all the experts said you were the next big thing. At that time you broke every scoring record there were to break on the reserve level. Naturally I got very excited. A young player from Liverpool’s own academy on the verge of breaking through, to continue the tradition of the club in having great players playing for the team. People were dead certain you were going to take the world by storm.

And you proved them right. You took the world by storm. Just minutes into your debut you scored what would be your trademark goal - playing off defenders’ shoulder and using your perfect timing, anticipation and pace to break free from your marker and calmly slot the ball home. You announced your arrival perfectly to the world in that debut game against Wimbledon. 1997, the year a young 17 year old Michael Owen made his debut for Liverpool.

From then on you never looked back. After an excellent first full season with Liverpool, you went to the world cup and scored THAT goal. THAT goal everybody still talks about till this day. You became the most feared striker in the world. And I was really proud of you, a product of Liverpool Youth Academy. I was really, really honoured to be supporting you, to cheer for every goal you scored. At that time I was convinced you were going to play for Liverpool until you retire. At that time I cannot imagine Liverpool without you. To me, you were almost as big as the team itself.

And your personality, you were the perfect model pro. You conducted yourself perfectly on and off the pitch. People called you Mr Clean, to reflect your professionalism. In short, you were almost ‘unreal’. One of the best football players in the world with the best attitude; humble and down to earth. Like I said, you were almost unreal.

That doesn’t mean you didn’t face any problems though. Like any other mortals, you too had to face your fair share of crisis and controversies. Human nature right, we like to create heroes and then destroy them. Your style of play and your injury problems became the focus of the world. Critics said time and again you were too one dimensional. Every mistake you made on the pitch got pounced on. And I defended you time and again.

When you won the prestigious Ballon d’Or in 2001, I was so happy for you. You were officially the best player in Europe that year. How cool was that? That shut up a lot of critics didn’t it? And every time you got your injury, especially when it was your hamstring, they say you were finish. And again I defended you every time, and of course you came back with style after each injury. Way to show it to them, Mr Owen!

You gave me so many great memories, so, so many. The FA Cup final against Arsenal for instance, when you scored both goals to win the cup. I will never ever forget that. There are many more great memories from you, Mr Owen, too many to list them all here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Mr Owen. You were my hero.

And because you were the hero I used to look up to, today is so hard for me. Because you were my hero, I’m feeling deeply betrayed by the news I heard today. How could you?

I think every Liverpool fan thought you were going to stay with Liverpool forever. When you ditched Liverpool to sign for Real Madrid, there was this unbelievable outrage against you. They called you a traitor. They called you Judas. But not me Mr Owen. I was on your side. I defended you. Make no mistake, you leaving Liverpool devastated me. But still I defended you. I told everyone you were entitled to look after yourself, that you were entitled to go pursue your ambition because Liverpool quite frankly couldn’t fulfill the ambition that you had. I said you didn’t owe the club anything because you have given so much. In fact I felt you have given the club and the fans more than they deserved, so no one can question your decision to leave Liverpool.

Even with the way you left Liverpool, the coldness in the way you make the move to Real Madrid, still I defended you.

When things didn’t go to plan for you at Madrid, the fans that you left ridiculed you. They said that’s what you get for leaving Liverpool. “Suits him right, the Judas!” Still, I defended you.

When Liverpool won the Champions League on that glorious night in Istanbul, the fans mocked you by chanting “Michael where were you in Istanbul?”. Every time I heard that I always snap back “Get off his back, I have no doubt he was cheering for us because he is one of us.” I defended you.

When you chose freaking Newcastle over us they all say you were a money grabbing bastard, that you never cared about Liverpool. You only cared about yourself. “See, didn’t I tell you, he is nothing but a selfish bastard who only cares about money.” You practically spat on our faces, Mr Owen, when you chose Newcastle instead of coming back to us. But still, I defended you.

When Newcastle got relegated, again the insults they directed towards you were thick and fast. They laughed at you, Mr Owen, and still I defended you! After all that you’ve done, I still defended you.

From the height of that treble season you had with us, winning Ballon d’Or, you are now a has been out of contract who got relegated, who is the butt of jokes, who lost all the ability that once made you the most feared striker in the world. Who lost all the respects that you had. AND STILL I DEFENDED YOU!

But no more Mr Owen. Enough is enough. Your latest betrayal is too much for me to take. How could you?! Man Utd? How could you even consider this? Doesn’t Liverpool mean anything to you? You use to wear Liverpool’s jersey and kissed the club crest proudly; didn’t that mean anything to you? You really are the money grabbing cold bastard people were talking about. And to think that I’ve defended you all the time before this. You make me sick, Mr Owen! From now on I couldn’t care less about you. From now on I will never wish you well anymore.

At the time I’m writing this, your move to Man Utd is still pending the medical. But whatever happens in the next few hours, either you pass or fail the medical, either you officially become a Man Utd player or not, you are already tainted.

The bridge is burned, Mr Owen.