Random Thoughts 6 - Raya Edition

Raya! Woohoo!! Really? Woohoo?
If I have to describe how my Raya holiday is so far, I would say it is blissful. Not happy, not joyfull, but blissful. I’m happy that I get to spend time with my niece and nephew, especially now that I don’t get to see them as much as before. I’m happy that I get to spend a few days at the place where I grew up (well close to it anyway). I’m happy that I have a reason to eat lemang as much as I want. And I’m especially happy that I get to stay away from work, or should I say office, for 12 days. And that’s the problem. 12 days. How can 12 days be enough when what I really want is forever? So amidst the Raya mood that I’m feeling right now, there is a tiny bit of restlessness in knowing that with every second I’m enjoying myself, I’m getting a second closer to work. And I hate that, so I’m trying hard to ignore it. I’m trying hard to be blissful.


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So what is the best way to spend your first night of Raya? Watch football of course! Football, football and football. Well that was what I thought anyway, until a certain Michael Owen ruined it for me. He scored the winner to give his new ‘beloved’ team a priceless win against their local rival. When Owen came on as a sub late in the game, there was a voice inside me that said ‘Oh I bet my bottom ringgit that he is going to score the winner here’. Worse, there was a stupid part of me that actually WANTED Owen to score the winner because believe it or not I still want to see him do well. And you know what? He did. I just cannot believe it. Not so much that he scored, because I know very well what he can do, but I can’t believe I still want him to do well after everything that has happened. After everything that he did. I’m a big idiot!
I guess this is how it will always be, the mix feeling I will have every time I watch him play. And that sucks!


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Speed trap! I hate speed trap! I just got two summonses for speeding. RM600 to be thrown away just because I drove a little bit faster than the limit. In one of the areas that I got the summonses from, 90km/h is the speed limit. 90km/h! That is just painful. They might as well ask drivers to stop driving and push their cars instead. I mean c’mon, even 110 is too slow for me. We are talking about highways here not kampung roads that are full of potholes and cows crossing all the time. On my way to Seremban for my Raya holiday, I got no choice but to drive within the limit set because of the strict ‘Ops Sikap’ that they enforced on every holiday season. And my God it was a painful, boring drive.
I admit our accident rate is atrocious, but to blame it on speeding is just wrong. It’s the attitude of the drivers, not the speed that is causing all the accidents. I really hope they will revise the speed limit and I think 130 is ideal. There were talks about increasing the speed limit not so long ago but all we got is reduced speed limit during holiday seasons. What happened?
RM600, I could get a decent mattress for that much. Whatever, I ain’t paying!


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I’m resigned to the fact that for me to have a chance to quit smoking, I will have to fast a whole year long. I was totally fine without cigarettes during the just finished puasa month (during the day that is), but as soon as it ended my smoking habit shot back to normal. Why? I just don’t get it. This happens every year.
I guess it makes sense though. I’m so lacking will power, I need someone or something to always ‘govern’ me in everything. I’m so weak and lack discipline. So the same goes with smoking. I know I can’t smoke during the day in puasa month so I don’t entertain the thought of smoking at all. Now that I can smoke, all I can think about is smoking. I am so weak!


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I’m watching the movie Hancock while I’m writing this ‘Random Thoughts’, and I just have to say that Charlize Theron is pushing every pleasure button that I have in me. Like seriously, she is so yummy I feel like m……..
Ergh, dang! The satans are unchained!

Going Away To College

Please take me by the hand
It's so cold out tonight
I'll put blankets on the bed
I won't turn out the light
Just don't forget to think about me
And I won't forget you
I'll write you once a week she said

Why does it feel the same
To fall in love or break it off
And if young love is just a game
Then I must have missed the kick off
Don't depend on me to ever follow through on anything
But I'd go through hell for you and

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me

I'll think about the times
She kissed me after class
And she put up with my friends
I acted like an ass
I'd ditch my lecture to watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture still hanging in her locker?

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me

Blink 182
Enema Of The State

Honest To God

I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to
I even tried to convince myself
That I need to

I wish I could smile
And say with bright eyes
I can already taste ever after
With my arms wide open
This couldn’t get any better

But it is me with all my puzzles
That's what I write and scream about
All along all through out
The barrier of all barriers
It is me and me only

What can I do to stop the resentment
What more should I say to appease
When it is as crystal
The cure can be nothing else
Of which what was first asked

I guess I can only say
I’m sorry it has to be this way
That I understand it thoroughly
That I know all this will end
For I was in the same blurring shoes

I wish it will get simpler
I wish it will be clearer
I wish I can give more
For I really want to
Honest to God, I really want to

Random Thoughts 5 - I Love My Country Edition

There are so many things happening to our beloved country right now. For the deluded type, let me make it clear to you. When I say ‘so many things’, I mean BAD things. BAD, TERRIBLE things. Bad things that make me wish we let the communist rule the country back then. Sigh.
But nevermind, like most Malaysian, I am ch…… wait, I have to rephrase that. Like most MALAYS, I am choosing to bury my head in the sand, pretending everything is ok, and occupying myself with my personal life instead. The love (Malays got to have love), the relationship, the tears, the DRAMAs (and Malays definitely need dramas!), I’m choosing all that over everything else because they are most convenient for me. Who cares about the rest of the things, right?


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Well well, it is almost that time of the year again. It is almost budget time, Belanjawan! I love Belanjawan. I used to follow the live telecast every year. Not anymore, because my favorite part of it has now gone. It was the part when Anwar introduces new words to the masses. It’s like he will say “Listen up peasants, from now on I want all of you to use the word ‘XXXX’ in every single cycle of your life. Why? Because I’m standing up here, and you peasants are way below down there, so you have to listen to me!”
Then all of us will clap our hands, praise him for his brilliance in shoving himself into our faces, then we laugh, then we praise him some more. Then the next morning, in every single newspaper, the words he chose for us got printed on every page, so we will never forget. Then everybody praises him and laugh some more.
Good old times, let's bring it back!


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1Malaysia – People first, Performance now!
Now where do I start?
Let me try to make it short and simple. I think 1Malaysia is a spectacular example of ‘one way re-branding / PR’ effort (Does that term exist?). I have never come across something that on the surface, and by ‘surface’ I mean the mainstream media, have no words except for lavish compliments towards it; but just underneath the surface, and by ‘underneath the surface’ I mean regular people on the street, have no words except for spiteful criticisms. How can anything be so contrasting, I do not know. Now I’m not against controlled and moderated media, in fact I’m a firm believer of it, but on this 1Malaysia deal, it is just super-zealously ridiculous. Thank God for the internet, if not I would come to the conclusion that 1Malaysia is perceived by the people of this country as the best thing since sliced bread.


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Ok, on to serious stuff now. Yesterday while driving back from work, I think I heard on the radio that the government is mulling over an increase of cigarettes tax by 20cents per stick. Or maybe someone suggested for the government to do that, but that’s not the point. The point is, increase of 20cents per stick?!!! Are you crazy? Our government might be evil, our government might be stupid, but I don’t think they are crazy. So most probably, I heard it wrong. I mean, it can’t be 20cents per stick! That’s RM4 increase! Yes, I definitely heard it wrong.
Anyway, when it comes to cigarettes price increase, it is not whether it will happen or not. It is inevitable, only a question of how much, because for Belanjawan, it comes with the territory. (I remember only once the price remained, and that only because the price was increased just before budget).
I’m still waiting for someone in the parliament, or anyone important for that matter, to stand up for the smokers. I want someone in the parliament to say out loud that smokers are the most marginalised group in the country. I’m still waiting for that special someone that can give smokers the respect they lost, the respect as a human being. If people can defend gays, can make sure drug addiction becomes safer, can say wearing tudung is not wajib, surely it won’t be too much to ask to do the same for smokers. Surely?


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Below is something I found on the net. Probably it is from a standup show from some angry funny guy. I just find it really interesting. So read on, especially all you non-smokers. This guy talks sense. I’d vote for him as our prime minister!

I smoke, if this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you. I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks. My biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong. How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready? NON-SMOKERS DIE EVERY DAY. Sleep tight. See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed." I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man.

Isn’t he fabulous? One of the great minds in our era for me!


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Last but not least, I have a message for what it seems the most popular couple on the planet right now. In this age of time where people pretend to care about the environment, I suggest you two built a statue on every corner of the streets in this country. You know, so we can save a lot of pages in our newspapers from having to feature your pictures every single day (and by every single day I mean EVERY FREAKING SINGLE DAY!). I bet this way, in 365 days, we can manage to save more trees in our rainforest than our anti illegal logging enforcement team can in 3650 days.
You know it makes sense!

Cracked

Tell me what you see through your pretty eyes
Your honest unbiased, pretty eyes
As it’s hard for me to look past it all
The thick cloud hovering over my head
The layers of shadows blocking away the path

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel
To end my weak steps stumbling in the dark
Is there a rainbow waiting to guide me
To the precious pot you keep telling me about
I dare not conclude what my blind eyes is telling me

And what do you hear from all this violent vibe
With the endless chaos thundering threateningly
To me the rain only pours sombre reminder
Of what I am and where I’m going
A non-entity, to a place so empty nothing matters

Your accusing screams are drowning my calling
Should there be any at all, that is
In the middle of it all, trying hard as I can
I can only hear my heart being sliced to pieces
That accompanies the sharp pain I feel deep inside

Head down, I’m on my knees
With my fingers stuck in the mud
Believe me I’ve tried to stand up
Believe me I’ve tried to look up
But the shoulders are just too heavy
And the eyes are just too fiery

Doom merchant, naysayer?
To hell with you
It just doesn’t matter anymore

Speed Perception

Perception is a tricky thing. How you see things might be the complete opposite to what the realities are. How you tell things might be seen in the reverse of the very meaning you intended it to be.

I should realise this by now, I should have this planted deep inside my mind but unfortunately it is not. Time and again I was made to realise this fact but still I’m so easily intimidated and wowed when I met someone new. They will tell me about themselves, give their views about things and more often than not I will go ‘wow!’.

I’m so different from most people. I will instead stress to them that I suck at everything so no one will have high expectations on me. No one will give me too much attention and that way I can hide from the spotlight. I hate being the center of attention. But of course because of that no one take me seriously as well. I will look so pathetic to them. I think I am how I am because I lack confidence. I need to change I know, and trust me I am trying to change.

They say the first step to change is admitting the need to change. So I guess I’m on to the 2nd stage now, imagining and planning about how I’m going to change.

Here goes. I have always wanted to try speed dating. I think it might be fun! It sure looks fun in the movie Hitch. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m expecting to find my soul mate there. I just want to see how it will be like. But I don’t want to go alone though. So if any of you out there interested to go, just let me know and I’m in!

Ok, getting off track a bit there. Let’s get back to the point I’m making. I’m going to imagine myself in speed dating, telling a complete stranger about myself and wowing them so they will find me interesting. That’s the whole point right?

So imagine me seating in front of a girl who knows nothing about me. And I’m telling bits about myself to impress her.

Me : Hi there Scarlett. Nice to meet you. My name is GB.

Girl : Hi GB, nice to meet you.

Me : Wow, you are so pretty and sexy. I like your messy hair.

Girl : Err, you are supposed to tell me about yourself.

Me : Err, ok. You are not supposed to talk though. Just listen.

Girl : ......

Me : Ok. Let’s start again. My name is GB. I’m staying in Rawang. I’m the youngest of four. I work in PJ, with one of the leading company in its field as a PR exec. We have projects all over Asia, in particular Indonesia where they look so highly of us.

Girl : Wow...

Me : Yes, I know! Wow, right? But hey, you are not supposed to talk, remember?

Girl : Sigh...

Me : Ok. Hmm, what else? Ok I guess on to my interests now. I like to write. I mean I LOVE to write. I have a great beautiful blog where I publish all my writings and poetry... I know! Wow again right? I mean, I write poetry. You got to ‘wow’ that.

Girl : ......

Me : Poor you, I’m making you speechless. Don’t worry, I know I am so interesting it’s intimidating, but inside the fabulous-ness, I’m just a normal humble guy. I’m not done yet though, so be prepared for further wow-ness... Ok, let’s continue. My other interests. Let see, I like tennis, I played tennis and I was a very good player during my school days. I was the champ for 3 years running. But I don’t play anymore though, too busy with my career nowadays. Well what you gonna do right?... I also like football. I’m a big fan of Liverpool. You know that famous Istanbul game, I watched every single minutes of it live. Can you believe that? Even when we were down by three goals, I stuck with my beloved team and in the end I celebrated a miraculous win. Good times. Do you like football?

Girl : Yes, I’m a fan of Man Utd.

Me : Are you serious? Whyyyyy? You screwed up there love. You couldn’t have made a worst choice. But don’t worry. It’s not too late for you to repent. I can guide you. You can switch to being a Liverpool fan. Don’t worry ok? I will help you. What do u say to that? Do we have a deal?

Girl writes something on a piece of paper and hold it up for me to see. “I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK”

Organiser : Ok everyone, time’s up. Now let’s move on the next person.

Girl : THANK GOD!

See, I can be interesting too. It’s not difficult at all. I can 'wow' strangers. I can totally pull it off. So let’s speed date and turn reality upside down!

A Sticky

I just want to disappear
Or reverse my existence
So I can end it all
Without pulling the trigger

Am I being weak
For not hanging on
To that tiniest of hope
Abandoning everything
Instead of manning up
And brace through it

I can’t get my head around
At how simple it is
For the precious to let go
Like it was never anything
Like it was never real

I can’t stand the worthlessness
By the hundred rhymes
By the thousand days
By the million tears
So I wish to fade away
Without a trace

The nightmare I built my own
No longer masks the blows
The barrier of four corners
Now closing in on me
I guess the never ending beating
Is here to stay forever

One Day / Satu Hari Nanti..

When I was a little boy, a sweet innocent optimist stupid little boy, I told everybody that one day I want to be an accountant. My Along was studying accountancy at that time so because I looked up to her, I wanted to follow her footsteps. At that time I remember thinking,

“Well why not, she is going to be one, and accountant sure sounds like fun. Counting money can’t be that hard. I mean how hard can it be, I can count to a million and more!”

Then of course I started learning the basics of accounting in Form 1 and got the shock of my life when I found out being an accountant was so much more than just counting money. I immediately fell out of love with it and almost flunked the paper in my SPM.

I also remember telling everyone, “One day I’m going to work in one of those high rise buildings, with big glass windows in my office so I have beautiful views and I can look out to the beautiful scenery whenever I feel the need to take a break.”
A bit of pointless wish and I think I managed that, but I stupidly let go of it.

When I was in ITM, still clueless about what I want to do (because I dumped the idea of being an accountant a few years before that), I jokingly told my friends, “Aku nak buat PR lah, and satu hari nanti aku nak buat PR untuk Siti Nurhaliza.”
Sigh, PR it is now, but not quite Siti Nurhaliza. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

I guess like every other person in this planet, I have said lots of ‘one day’ and ‘satu hari nanti’, especially as a little boy.

One day I will drive expensive fast car
One day I will own a nice cosy little house
One day I will travel all over the world
One day I will teach my kids to play tennis
One day people will name a street after me

Things looked so simple back then, so easy, so do-able. Well things don’t look so simple anymore. What was ‘one day’ back then, it’s ‘today’ or maybe even ‘yesterday’ right now. The ‘one days’ have passed. What I am now is what I will be in the future. No more potential, no more possibilities, no more growth.

Ok, I’m not dying from any disease (not that I know of anyway) and I’m not OLD old, so I admit maybe it’s premature to say all these things. But being realistic, I can’t see any of my boyhood’s ‘one days’ happening at all. At my stage of life right now, there should at the very least some signs that point out I’m heading in the right direction. Unfortunately I can’t see any signs at all. I don’t even have a proper job!

I’m not being negative, I’m not being pessimistic and I’m not being a drama queen. I’m just being honest and maybe a little bit blunt. Anyone who says ‘Don’t worry things will fall into places soon’ or anything like that, is either trying foolishly to be nice or just plain simple deluded. So for anyone who pins their hope to me for whatever reason, stop kidding yourself.

What you see is what you get. Maybe even less.

Scary thought.

Whatever!