Hey, How Are You?

It’s hard to go on when deep down you feel the same ache for years. It’s not a pain anymore, it’s an ache. An ache derived from many things, but born from the same source, hopelessness.

I’ve felt it for so long that I don’t even have the energy to talk about it anymore. No point. When I am seen, I smile, I laugh and I talk about my plans tomorrow. I tell them what I want to do, what I want to get, and where I want to go. And while all that, smiling and telling them my plans, I feel the ache so deep inside that it won’t and it can’t reflect through my expressions any longer. My smiles are genuine. When I laugh I’m not faking it. But the smiles and laugh are entangled with the ache. I can smile and laugh all I want but they will never be enough to lessen the ache.

When I am not seen, when I am all alone, I still laugh and I still smile. But they are directed to myself, at how I am now. And the ache remains there. I can’t even get down on my knees with head in hands, crying my heart out, without feeling I have no right to all that anymore. That I’m just bullshitting myself.

So this, what I’m doing now is the only thing I can think of that can cushioned the hit from the ache. I’ve written a lot of things that I can’t get myself to actually put it out, because they are too blunt and they will come across as too dramatic. But in this one I hope I managed to pour out how I really feel without the drama. I’m not asking for sympathy from anyone. I’m not even asking for help. I just need to let it out so I will be understood, and not be looked upon strangely. I just need to let it out and I like to think of this blog as my amnesty, no matter what I say.

Anyway, I’m writing this because today I was asked “Hey, how are you?”. The genuine ‘how are you’, from a friend who I talk to (chat with) everyday. To a friend that I tell all my problems and feelings to (well most of it anyway).

I was told that I didn’t sound too good, and this was through a chat session. I don’t sound too good from a chat. “What’s wrong,” she asked. Out of the blue, when we were chatting normally, while she was telling me about her work, while I was trying to help her with her work. I could’ve sworn I was being my normal self. Not even once I complaint or whine about anything but still she said I didn’t sound too good. Still, out of the blue, in the middle of our conversation about her report she has to do, she asked “Hey, how are you?”.

I guess what I’m trying to do here is to thank her for asking me the simple yet heartfelt question, and at the same time I’m trying to answer her because I didn’t say much when she asked me . I appreciate it very much and it did make me feel better.

So the next time you ask someone 'how are you', mean it, because it can really make a difference.