Blank Pages

Blank pages are all you have
With time is something you don’t
So pinch harder and stay awake
No caring arms will wrap your shoulder

What’s the point of having a point
When the point is often not what it should be
And sadly the point doesn’t matter anymore
Not when the pages are still blatantly empty

A cruel, cruel world it has always been said
Unforgiving, mean and harsh all the same
Sadly still understanding that won’t help you
To fill up the blanks on the pages in front of you

No point is worth those blank pages
No point is worth draining your time
With the blanks getting louder and bolder
No point is worth your screams and cries

Whatever it takes just fill the pages
Go ahead, kick and scream until it's beaten
And whatever it takes push those arms away
If they pretend to care all of sudden

So pinch harder and stay awake
Remember no caring arms will wrap your shoulders
Remember time is something you do not have
Remember no point is worth all the troubles

Don’t know how I get to this point really
And still the pages are blatantly empty

Little Grasshopper

Little grasshopper gives lesson
Hopping here and there in no time at all
Good or bad he keeps on hopping
Without hesitation avoiding the fall

Little grasshopper won’t stay long
Guess he feels too long brings harm
Conscience is clear though he may be wrong
He fears overstaying his welcome

He probably does what he is supposed to
Hopping on the tall green grass for reasons not clear
He probably does it really good too
But overstaying his welcome will only bring tears

Sometimes he gets cozy and wants to linger
Staying on the tall green grass is what he wants
At the same time he can’t help but wonder
Why the tall green grass keeps bowing down

Little grasshopper needs to keep hopping on
As it’s clear he’s weighing the grass down
He hops off the grass for one last time
Straight on to the bare dusty ground

Maybe he’ll be back on the tall green grass
Maybe he will stay on the bare dusty ground
Whichever way he will keep hoping on
As overstaying his welcome will only bring harm

Simple Together

You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
Cause we’re off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can’t stop bumping into things

I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You’ve been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew god’s face was handsome
With you I suffered an expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can’t stop dropping everything

I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
I thought we’d have children together
I thought we’d be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be healing together
I thought we’d be growing together
Thought we’d be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

*Beautiful, beautiful song..

Garbage

Now where do I start?

How about this; I hate myself.

That says it all right there. If I stop right there, right after ‘I hate myself’, it will still be enough to show how I’m feeling right now. I’m not feeling good. I’m feeling terrible. I feel shit actually. Things have been happening for the past week, with today the worst of it all. Today better be the peak because I don’t know if I can handle anything worse.

The thing is, this shitty feeling I’m feeling now comes from the disappointment of not being able to handle even the slightest of mishap. That’s why I hate myself. Just barely a month ago I feel like I’m on top of the world with everything going great. Like everything is in order, going the right way. Now I feel everything is falling apart. You see how stupid that is? The only place I belong to is inside a cotton wool wrapper.

Just a month ago I feel like I have completely ‘healed’, 100%. But I was mistaken. I wasn’t ‘healed’. How can you heal from something that you are? This is just me. I thought I changed because of the things that happened to me a few years back. When I really think about it though, nothing changed me. Nothing changed me into something that I thought I could heal from. This is just me. Right from the start of the time, this is me. The real me. Sometimes I managed to disguise the real me really good, even from myself. Right now though, stripped to the bone, it is becoming clear to me that how I am right at this moment is the real me. I didn’t change a few years back. I have always been like how I am now.

Realising that makes me hates myself. And if I fail to love myself, how can I love anyone else?

The Good Boy

I have come to the conclusion that men are a far more superior being compared to women. It’s a proven fact, both scientifically and theologically. There is absolutely no denying that. Since the beginning of time this fact has been proven. The cavemen knew this, the Jahiliah knew this, the Dark Ages knew this. However, somehow, we the modern day men managed to forget about this.

The cavemen treated their women like possessions; familiar with comic strip of a caveman dragging his woman around by the hair? That is brilliant. Straight to the point, put women to their rightful place. Shame we fail to continue that. The Jahiliah, well, they simply tried to get rid of women by killing baby girls, or keep women to the absolute minimum, for entertainment purposes and also to bear their child only. However Islam came and rightfully put an end to it. The dark ages were the same and the emergence of the ridiculous chivalry concept changed everything. The only good thing about the chivalry was that it stopped the killing, that’s it. Women do not deserve any form of chivalry at all beyond that and should…

Sigh. I love writing. The problem is I’m too lazy I can’t seem to find anything worthy to write about. So I came out with stuff like above. It is entertaining to me. I've written loads like that, maybe one day I'll compile them all and publish it in this blog. It will be under ‘I couldn’t care less’ tag, the stuff where I write whatever I have in mind without sugar coating it or without thinking about the repercussion that could come from it. That would be fun, wouldn’t it? And I will put a disclaimer, “I may or may not mean what I write here”, just so no one could use it against me.

Anyway, like I said I love writing. If only I had more drive in me I’d probably be writing seriously right now. If a guy who tweets about his 70 year old dad ramblings can have a New York Times best seller and a sitcom under his belt, I like to think I’m in with a good chance as well.

But I’m still here in this blog, writing about nothing with hardly any readers at all. Don’t worry, I’m fine with it. The reason I started this blog was so I can channel out whatever I feel inside. I’m a very private guy, I don’t really let my feelings out even to the people dearest to me. This blog is my ‘wall punching’, my ‘covering face with pillow and yell your heart out’ thing. It has served me pretty well so far.

I do feel proud of this blog. Looking back and reading back from the very first entry on here, I think I’ve done a good job 'recording' my life journey so far. There are entries that I’m really proud of, that put a smile on my face reminiscing. There are entries that bring tears to my eyes and there are also entries that make me cringe. Can’t believe it has only been three and a half years since I started it. The things I wrote in here are like a very distant memory, things that happened to me a long, long time ago. To that, I’m thankful.

I can’t say I have changed much, but I have changed. Things around me have changed. People around me have changed. The way I see things definitely changed. The most important thing that I have realized is people are idiots. Right left centre you have idiots coming at you from every direction. People who play the victim cards are the biggest idiot, and the most dangerous. The most selfish people are the people who appeared as the most unselfish at first. In short, people are hypocrites, even the nicest of people. And I think in my own way, I’ve learned how to deal with them a lot better.

I’m still not where I’m supposed to and want myself to be. However now I see that as a good thing because I feel only corpses should be where they are supposed to be. Very few things should be where they are supposed to be.

I will keep using this blog to pour out what I feel inside. The entries will be a lot less frequent and far in between but I don't think I will ever abandon it. This blog is something that is precious to me and I hold it very dearly.

Here's to another three and a half years of The Good Boy...